devastated from break up / does no contact apply here?

[daveymoore1]

i know there A LOT of similar threads to the one i just started here but i'm not sure what else to do and need some opinons on whether no contact is appropriate or not.

 

background / summary:

 

- had been dating this girl for 10 months. me - 31, her - 29

- things in my mind seemed to be going well - although a best friend of

mine had died and i was not very available the past 2 months or so due to

some work things going on. thus, i had not been able to spend as much time

with her during the week as usual - prob only 1 -2 times instead of usual

2 - 3 during week. ive also always had trouble expressing myself and this problem really screwed me w/ this girl.

 

about 2 weeks ago, she drops a bomb that shes miserable. apparently

the lack of time seeing her and a bunch of other things - not knowing how

i felt about her, her perception i didn't care that much about the

relationship, some smaller things i was doing (i can give details but in my eyes shouldn't be break up reasons alone), etc... had been building up.

 

i did not know she was unhappy as she hadn't said anything and i had been dealing with the death of my friend in may and the work issues recently.

 

when i heard this, i told her i loved her, that i cared about her very

much and the reasons for my recent detachment and general mood of gloom,

which is generally not me at all. i really felt so much better after

sharing my feelings w/ her and thought this would bring us closer together

 

instead, i got the 'i need time' speech which of course led to one week

of me agonizing what she was thinking and eventually leading into her

saying she couldn't be w/ me right now and needed to break up. she is saying the negative things built up to where she felt negative towards me. she wishes she could change this feeling but can't right now and my trying

to show her affection and fix things may not be good...

 

i was shocked it got to this point and i've been sick ever since (lots of same symptons classic to a break up). i feel like part of it was my fault obviously and i look back now and think maybe i did take some things for granted. i know i would be able to chnage these things if i was just given the chance.

 

i tried explaining this to her but she obviously had already made up her

mind. she broke up w/ me while i was away (over the phone). that pissed

me off but i left my vacation and drove 3 hours to see her just to make sure

she knew how serious i was about us. i wrote her a letter expressing

my feelings again, asking her to consider a future, and said i'd miss

her. i didn't want to try and convince her as she had made her mind up,

even though she definitely has "doubts" and "she wants us to work."

 

b/c the issue to begin with was me not showering her w/ enough affection,

would no contact still be the way to go here? would't that just allow

her to move on from me and not think of me at all? or allow her to think,

'well, he really doesn't want me that much'? i know she needs time (or possibly to date others although she said thats not why shes doing this), and I also don't want to push her away. she may also have just lost an interest level, in which case NC may be better to go, but

she is saying at least its the things above.

 

i really know this girl would be someone i'd want to move in with and possibly eventually marry so i want her back in the worst way.

[greensleeves]

I'd go complete no contact. She's saying "she wants it to work", but isn't putting much effort into making it work...she broke up with you over the phone while you were on vacation. Give her all the time she needs. During that time, give some serious thought to the type of person you want to spend your life with. I dunno, if my best friend died, I'd expect support and compassion, not someone whining that I wasn't spending enough time with them.

 

Alot of times when someone dumps another person, they use the "I need time" cliche as a way to keep someone on the hook. They can go looking for greener pastures while knowing that they still have you waiting on the sidelines. The reason NC works so well, is it gives you time to really evaluate the relationship and you eventually get over them. She may come back to you in time, but you may have already decided that you deserve someone who is going to be there for you through the ups and downs that life throws at you.

[lisa1126]

It sounds like you have already explained reasons for your actions, i.e. "lack of expressed affection" and mood of gloom and expressed your feelings about your GF to her. I think you made yourself clear. And she still wants to have time and space to think about it.

 

I'd say give her that time. If she was really serious about the relationship and wanted to make it work, she should have given you a chance. And that she is not willing to do so, says she may not be invested in this relationship as much as you do and that she's not that committed.

 

I think NC is a good way to let things sort out.

[daveymoore1]

i want to make known that she definitely was there for me when my friend died - she was great actually. i think its hard to explain, but my immersion w/ work (due to reasons out of my control) was making me miserable to be around. i think my friend's death subconsciosly also was a part of it, but i became less focused on things that really mattered to me (her) over the last several months and just lost sight of doing some of the little things that i really should have been doing (i.e. surprising her w/ things, seeing her more, making more of an effort to become close with her and share my feeligns with her based on the point our relationship was in).

 

I can understand how the lack of these things caused her to start to disconnect w/ me. I am beating myself up like crazy for not focusing more on her and losing what i really do believe is a good shot at being 'the one' for me.

 

i agree that her not willing to work through these things w/ me or give me a chance is a HUGE red flag. she was also in a previous 4 1/2 year relationship that essentially went on for 2 years too long. i think that the past few months likely reminded her that perhaps this isn't the guy for her and she should cut and run now b/f getting sucked into a longer relationship. But how do I convince her i want to see her every day when i'm in no contact mode? or do i just have to suck it up that i didn't do everything i could have, that she didn't voice that she was unhappy, and let her figure things out in the coming months? i'm really torn here as you can tell.

[daveymoore1]

by the way, i'm trying to decide right now between the following, but am completely open to suggestions. sounds like so far there are 2 votes for no contact (i would suppose that means until she contacts me). i can't thank you enough for how much i appreciate the feedback to the posts i've made above and/or your thoughts on the options below:

 

a) complete no contact for maybe 2 weeks

b) complete no contact for 30 days

c) complete no contact until she contacts me

d) sending her flowers and a 'thinking of you' message next week (but no

other contact)

e) calling her to see how she is doing next week

[greensleeves]

when i heard this, i told her i loved her, that i cared about her very much and the reasons for my recent detachment and general mood of gloom, which is generally not me at all. i really felt so much better after sharing my feelings w/ her and thought this would bring us closer together

 

instead, i got the 'i need time' speech which of course led to one week

of me agonizing what she was thinking and eventually leading into her

saying she couldn't be w/ me right now and needed to break up. she is saying the negative things built up to where she felt negative towards me. she wishes she could change this feeling but can't right now and my trying

to show her affection and fix things may not be good...

 

i tried explaining this to her but she obviously had already made up her

mind. she broke up w/ me while i was away (over the phone). that pissed

me off but i left my vacation and drove 3 hours to see her just to make sure she knew how serious i was about us. i wrote her a letter expressing

my feelings again, asking her to consider a future, and said i'd miss

her. i didn't want to try and convince her as she had made her mind up,

even though she definitely has "doubts" and "she wants us to work." /QUOTE]

 

Based on what you've already said to her, I don't know that there's much more you could add. Maybe she needs a chance to miss you. When someone asks for space, I think it's best to respect their request.

[daveymoore1]

I feel like today (day 4) is the worst day i've ever had. i tried going out and hanging with friends/new friends a little and every girl i see i compare to her immediately. i can't have a conversation without getting lost and unfocused. i'm trying to focus on me and keep her out of my thoughts but the memories and things that were great about her take over. i know things weren't perfect, but i can't help but think of the things i didn't do that put me in this position. i feel like i never want to be in a relationship again if its not w/ her.

[lisa1126]

It's very normal for you to feel that way. It's still very raw. You will feel that way for awhile. But stick to NC, give her time and space, and you need to move on as if the relationship is ending. If it is really really bad, you could tell yourself that you are still waiting for her to call you, but no matter what you need to think, stick to your NC.