is he going to leave me? advice pls!

[jammer180]

It's been awhile since I posted...

 

I got back together with my ex after being broken up for about 3.5 months. We broke up becuase he had so much going on in his life and he lived far at the time and it was just a really frustrating relationship that neither of us could deal with at the time. After 3.5 months we were both in a better place, and had been talking through email for a few weeks so decided to get together for dinner. It went amazing, and we were both still very attracted to eachother. We took it slow and I made him show me he was ready this time, he said he wanted a relationship and he was definitly ready. It's been two months now, and things are going strange.

 

I thought he was pushing away again, becuase he was becoming busy with other things such as sports and his friends. I thought maybe I scared him away but trying to talk to him about his lack of communication. He basically refuses to talk to me about serious stuff becuase he says that he's unable to communicate properly in relationships and isn't ready to talk about the serious stuff. I figured ok it's only been two months I'm not going to push him, he said he was happier than he's been in a long time and he thought things were going well, so I left it alone. I tried to talk to him on Sunday and he was more than willing to talk all of a sudden. I mentioned I noticed he'd been pushing away a bit and he brought up that we've known eachother almost a year now and he thinks its weird that he can't say I love you. He kept saying maybe this is normal you know maybe it's supposed to be this way and maybe we are supposed to build a friendship frist before the love comes, but in my past relationships (he's only had two that he said i love you that were his only long terms) i said it earlier and I know i rushed saying it but i just feel like i should be able to say it by now and i dont know why i cant. i said you can't becuase you dont love me it's that simple, so do you want to break up? he kept saying no, maybe i just need some time to think. i said ok what does that mean? he said i need to sort through my feelings but i still want to see you. i said no way, that's not going to help or change anything.

 

so, we decided he would take the week to think about whether or not he wants to take a break from our relationship. he kept mentioning maybe needing to talk to his married friends and see what they think. he kept saying maybe he's jumping the gun and maybe he's crazy for feeling this way. he said that there were a few times where he thought he could say it but couldn't cuz he didn't want it to be a lie. i told him i was enjoying how things were going and that i thought it was great that we don't see eachother every single day like most other couples do, and that we both had our own lives which was great, and that i felt he got all the time and space he needed as it was. he said he liked our relationship like that too and that it was different than any other one he'd had. he said he felt closer to me from just being able to talk about our feelings, he said it twice while we talked.

 

anyway, hes actually taking the whole week... i haven't heard from him at all. he said he was sad and how hard it would be to not talk to me all week. thing is, i just feel like we had a major breakthrough finally being able to talk about feelings. we've never talked about feelings, and we've never talked about the relationship, and this past 2 months is the first time we've had a real chance to be together and we only see eachother like 2 or 3 times a week as he likes his time and space and is busy with sports, and i never ever nag him about that or his time out with the boys. he said he likes that too. said he likes everything about our relationship, hes attracted to me and likes everything about me.....

 

so... is this break just him wanting out and not being able to say it? and if so, why didn't he just say so when i said we should break up then like 3 times i said it! and why does he keep saying hes worried he might be making a mistake if we break up, and how he doesnt want to be the fool 6 months from now that lost the girl from a hasty decision? why cant he see that we've only just started to get closer from this conversation and now we might have a real chance at something big? why can't he see that when he rushed into saying i love you with past gf's it obviously didnt work out, or they'd be together now... why cant he see all this?? i dont know what to do.. i feel like im just waiting for a phonecall saying im done. he said this week wasnt about him deciding if we would break up it was to decide if he wanted a break or not... im so confused someone please help me out with some advice please!!!!

 

thanks.

[elizmdavis]

I am sorry that his actions are making you feel so frustrated. I cannot tell you they mean. All I get from this is that he must really need time to himself or he wouldnt be acting this way. Whatever this time will do for him, then good. You have done nothing wrong, there is no one to blame here - just sounds like he is in a confusing place right now and this is how he is dealing with it. He doesn't seem ready to take on the responsibilities of a relationship. It is VERY IMPORTANT to communicate no matter what it is about. "I love you" is an expression - some say it, some don't (depending on what stage the relationship is in). This is just my opinion, but if he is hesitant to say it to you then he may not feel it. You mentioned that you have broken up for a period of time and there have been issues...how do you expect love to grow in an environment where it's not being celebrated?

 

You deserve to have it though. No matter the case with your current bf, I hope you find everything you are looking for.

[bellanicola003]

I think you should just give him some time to think about things. It's obvious he cares about you, but again, time is what he needs. I wouldn't be surprised if he needs more than a week, but give him the time to miss you...he's a big boy...he'll be ok.

 

Time is sometimes the best thing. He seems scared actually. So this time will help him and you, ultimately, your relationship.

 

Keep being strong!

[ljoy74]

I think this break is him seriously analyzing what's best for him at the moment. Pray that he keeps you and your feelings in mind as he sorts his feelings out.

I hope your situation turns out for the best and both of you are completely happy.

[jammer180]

thanks guys

i ended up calling him tonight, it was getting on my nerves just waiting. we talked for a bit. i got out of him that he is basically using the time to see if he misses me and how he feels at certain times when he would be doing something with me but he cant see me or be with me. hes tryingto sort through those feelings, while also wondering what he would say to me if he did decide he needed more time, and how he'd feel if i wasn't there when he came back if he asked for more time. i told him i cant wait forever and that its frustrating me becuase I dont know what he wants from me. he went out and bought an expensive car this week which is weird, becuase his work contract ends in dec so he doesn't even know what he's doing past then. seems strange to me, hes talked about the jeep for awhile and now that we are on a break he jumps up and goes and buys it after saying hes not sure about it for months because of all the gas prices and his job being unsure? hes a strange monkey this one... he's still going to call me after this weekend, from his one week of thinking. but im fairly certain he will be asking for more time, as I'm not sure he's getting enough from one week. he said its not about breaking up after this week, its just about him maybe needing more time... how do you give someone more time when they could be out dating. i wanna wait... but i know i shouldnt

[kuhl282000]

It could be a major break through ....the bottom line though is he either really does love you or he does not....I think he does myself .......don't play games with feelings though that is how people end up in here and ther get hurt ....

 

Good Luck

[jammer180]

I think there have been times when he has been falling in love with me, but I can also tell that at the times when we get close like that, he pushes me away and pulls back a bit. It's almost as if those feelings scare him, even though he has opened up about how he wants them. I've been doing some reading up on commitmentphobes, and he seems to fit the bill to a T! I know his past few girls between his last relationship and me (4 years) were all just a couple months long. I asked him about one and he said well it was just sex at first but I could see she wanted more and I didn't see it going anywhere so I ended it... Seems to be a pattern with him.

 

I guess there is nothing I can do. I thought if I said ok take all the time you need and showed him that I'd be there no matter what that it woudl show him he doesn't have to be afraid of getting hurt with me. But, that will just push him away becuase it shows I'm ready for commitment and I think that terrifies him. I thought about walking away and saying I don't have time for this anymore, but that will just get him out of having to make the decision to stay or go. He can't make big decisions about anything to save his life, he even admits it.

 

He's supposed to call tomorrow or monday after his week of thinking.... I don't know what to do as I'm fairly certain he's going to ask for more time. I love this man, I see a future for us.... I don't know how to walk away from this and how to show him that he can't have love and marriage like he wants with anyone if he can't let closeness happen.... Don't know what to do anymore