Looking for a outside view

[darklinglena]

This is my first post on here and the only reason I am doing this is cos it's anonymous and all. >.

 

I have been in this relationship 4 years. Two years ago he joined the military and since then we've been in a long distance relationship. I have always been faithful and far has I know he has too which I trust he has been. Last year he proposed marriage and I said yes. Ok so everything was awesome until we set the date. I guess I kinda pushed for one cos I was so excited to be getting married, living together, no more seperation and all that. *sigh* I started planning the wedding and making plans for the move and all.

 

The day I bought the dress something changed. I feel like that made things so real that he freaked out (cold feet) and we started bickering. First we bickered about stupid ass stuff then it got very serious and hurtful for about 3 weeks. I'm talking yelling on the phone, crying, bad, bad time. It was a very tense emotional situation. We worked through that but issues that happened in the past kept coming up with him.

 

He feels I love my father more than I'll ever love any other man and he just can't compare. Mmkay his family was the American dream basically, trophy wife, middle class family and such. Mine was broken, I didn't know my dad close until he was shot and almost killed 7 years ago. My dad and I began our relationship about 6 months after I started dating my fiance so he felt he was there first since my dad wasnt most of my life. * * * is what I am thinking cos it's MY DAD. C'mon. Seriously.

 

I say this cos we say eachother earlier this month and a tense situation happened between him and my dad. I was literally in the middle and both looked at me expecting me to pick sides. I just shrugged and ignored them both so my dad kinda took it for a win against my fiance. My fiance and I had a big blowup about that and he feels I betrayed him or his feelings over this. I try and understand but I CAN'T! I honestly 100% don't see how that is or was betrayal! After he left things have been sore...were both hurt over this.

 

I took the hit and told him I think we should wait on being married. My reasoning is I'd rather us wait and repair what is left of our relationship than go ahead into a marriage on these terms. He was needless to say, devestated. So am I...I really want to marry him but I'm so hurt by all this. I'm dreading telling my folks or his or anyone...our wedding was 2 and a half months away too. This being a long distance relationship makes it even harder.

 

Anyone have any advice? How can we repair this?!

 

Thanks.

[Excalibur]

The bottom line is that you shouldn't consider marriage until he's out of the military for a year or two, you two have lived in close proximity while both of you are going on with your independent lives - to see if there is anything "but the past" - there as a commonality.

[Maclauren]

The problem with your situation is the tense situation that happened between him and your father. I'm a firm believer that while your family should be important, your responsibilities and integrity belong to your spouse and your children above all others. You are planning to marry this man or at least you wanted to. This situation where you did nothing and shrugged them both off was probably not the best thing to do. It can mistakenly be seen by both of them that you have disdain for them both. It can translate easily as lack of confidence and integrity. It could simply be a message "LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!" But do they understand really?

 

Here's the gig, you need to show your husband to be (if in fact you do wish to marry him still) that you have respect for him and will stand by his side. The problem is I wish I could give you "GOOD" advice however it's just hard to do without the details. There's to much information about what this "tense situation" was and how it transpired.

 

The problem could be as simple as your spouse to be is feeling disrespected because you did not take a side at all, you shrugged everyone off preferring to be left out of it, which I'm not saying is the wrong thing here. It's probably the best thing to do in most situations where there are arguments between two people. The fact of the matter is you probably hurt him a little by not taking a side at all, and he was completely expecting you to take his side just as I'm sure your father was as well.

 

Best thing is probably having a sit down and hashing this one out. Explain to them both, look.. you're my dad.. I love you etc etc. nothing is going to change that. This is my husband to be, respect my wishes to marry this man and get along. If you can't then we can easily remedy the situation and segregate the both of ya's. I don't know if that's even a viable option but it could be the beginning to an end as well. Just to much information that is required you did not disclose about the "tense situation."

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why does he feel you love your father more? It is difficult to say anything without really understanding the dynamic between you and your father.

[Excalibur]

What it comes out to is when you met your fiance, and the majority of the itme you've spent in interpersonal contact vs. distance - you didn't have a relationship at all with your father, and your life revolved around the fiance, the marriage potential, the "future life with the husband">

 

He's in the military - he hasn't been there to see the progression of the relationship, how that has evolved you into a more diverse person than you were when you two met.

 

So he feels threatened by the person that YOU are...that is more diverse, outgoing, passionately interested in life beyond "your fiance"...and he attributes that to your dad, and therein is the jealousy manifested.

 

he's not really upset about your dad, ehs' upset that you're more of a complete person than the broken person he met and fell for. That was his "style".

[kuhl282000]

Don't hold grudges or resentments .....they only turn to anger and pain. Someone tell the other person they love them ....make up .....

 

Don't blow it because of something stupid.......you become one in marrige, don't let others creep in and destroy that....not ever......stand by your man.

 

Things will work out with your fathers in time....all a father really wants is to see their son and daughter really happy ....and no one is happy when your fighting.

 

You may have to be the bigger person here...I'm sure he is hurting to.

 

Go tell him you love him and want the wedding to go on as planned

 

Good Luck

Kuhl

[cavem4n]

You know, having a wife and a daughter, I have realized that girls don't love their husbands the same way that they love their fathers. If the father is not the girls hero, then he has done a poor job of being a father. The husband is not meant to be your hero, he is your partner. Tell him to get over his hero complex and be your partner. He is probably a great guy but it does happen a lot with soldiers. Marriage insists that you be partners, if you try and do it any other way, you will fail.

[tina-rocks]

Hi,

 

Just thought I would give you some support if not advice.

 

You came to the right place. I think the advice you have been given is spot on.

 

Take care!

 

Tina

[Circe]

You know, having a wife and a daughter, I have realized that girls don't love their husbands the same way that they love their fathers. If the father is not the girls hero, then he has done a poor job of being a father. The husband is not meant to be your hero, he is your partner. Tell him to get over his hero complex and be your partner. He is probably a great guy but it does happen a lot with soldiers. Marriage insists that you be partners, if you try and do it any other way, you will fail.

 

A father is not meant to be a hero either. And it really does not help the daughter create healthy relationships with men in the future if she sees her father has a hero figure. No man will measure up and while you seem to think that can be ok (because a husband is a partner not a hero) - in being a partner the husband is also the man making sacrifices for this woman (who is not even a person of his own blood, to whom he owes no responsibility or bond but that based on love for the person she is - not love based on having raised her and taken responsibility for her). If that love is rebuked because the "partner" just can't be as good as the "hero" father - it's just going to cause the woman to devalue the partner and cause the partner to feel resentment in return.

 

Personally I see my father as a man who did his best but has flaws - certainly didn't spoil me or pamper me and I think I lost a lot because of that - I really do wish we had been more close.

 

But as a result I appreciate and love my fiance like no other human being on Earth for what he is freely willing to give me. I don't think my relationship with him would be as good if I saw my father as some sort of hero ad I think I would then take my fiance's qualities for granted somewhat.