i need some advice...

[ericanu]

Ok guys, here’s the deal…I’ve been in a relationship for a while, about 2 years, but it just wasn’t working. So, I broke up with the guy a few months ago, he just wasn’t right for me…he wasn’t a bad person or anything. In general, I think I definitely made the right choice ending a bad relationship…but…even though I think I did the right thing, I’m feeling kind of unsure about who I am right how.

 

I guess it’s just that all of a sudden I’m not anyone’s girlfriend anymore. On top of that, my ex said some really mean things to me when we were breaking up and they still upset me even though I know they shouldn’t. I love to go out and do nice things for people…I have a group of friends I’ve known for over almost 10 years that I enjoy spending time with and I often am the one that gets us together for things that everyone seems to have fun at, I volunteer at an animal shelter and I’m also heavily involved in teaching a creative writing class for inner city kids.. I think I’m a good, nice person, but my ex doesn’t seem to agree. He has told me he thinks I’m a heartless, cruel * * * * * and that he hates me. I tried to be nice when I was ending it with him, and I know it’s silly to be so upset still about what he said, but I’m worried that I’m not the good person that I thought I was. I just don’t know who this new single version of my self is going to be and it’s confusing. I want to stay a nice person.

 

Do any of you guys feel this way, or am I just weird? Do you have any advice for me? I could really use it.

[girl68]

Miss,

 

If what you say is true than you ARE a nice person... voluteering, getting your friends together, teaching etc. mean people typically just don't do those things.

 

Your and your ex had a bad relationship and you got out- sometimes that doesn't leave the other person feeling very good and when people don't feel very good sometimes they say mean things- to make themselves feel better.. you know that- you MUST know that.

 

When there is a person you were involved with for a long period of time, and you cared about (I assumed you cared at least a little bit about your ex...) you will always take what they say a little more personal than say your cousins, friends, sister (for example). If you did nothing to deserve those nasty comments from your ex as in you never lied, cheated or stole than you should completely right off those remarks as they are not validated by anything- other than his hurting pride!

 

Of course we've all taken a comment too seriously from time to time and what do we do to get over it? Remind ourselves of why you like yourself and why your friends, family, and co-workers like you too.

 

Honestly your ex seems like a * * * * - sorry. But if he can't come to terms with getting broke up with, that's slightly immatrue- your past that, surround yourself with your friends of 10 years... they're your friends for that long becasue they like you... people like nice people... get it?

[lapseinjudgement]

ya i agree dont take it to much to heart. You did hurt him by breaking im with him. theres no 'good' way to do it (granted there are bad ways). so he's hurting but he will get over it and move on. Things will go where they were destined to go.

 

Dont feel bad for now take what he said with a grain of salt we all do things we regret when hurting (ive done my share). you do sound like good person so keep at it

[Karmageddon]

He was mad at you and wanted to hurt your feelings b/c you hurt his by ending things. Mission accomplished! By the way IMHO most people who are jerks don't sit around and wonder if they are nice people...like you are doing now. They don't care, the fact that you even have the self awareness to question it, means you are a good person to me. So drop it and move on...he is just a little butt hurt. He'll be fine once he's had some time to think about it.

[nothanks]

Well, some people who treat others badly and still feel guilty about it. But this situation does not sound like that at all.

 

People DO say things when they are hurt. It is out of defensiveness or feeling hurt. What someone says in pain anger is not necessarily what the person believes. It's called lashing out.

 

The question, of course is: do YOU think you are a bad person?? Did you treat him badly? Sounds like no, but only you know! But, honestly you can let go of his harsh worsds.

[Lana0120]

Well, have you talked to anyone else about his points of view? If people around you open their eyes wide and stare at you agape, he's talking crap. It sounds like he's talking crap anyway though. The kind of comments he made sound like those of a bitter person, not constructive criticisms of your personal failures in the relationship, so I'd try and put them aside.

[ericanu]

hey everyone!

 

thanks for the encouragement. i know i shouldn't take it too personally, but sometimes people say things like that and they stick with you. i guess it's hard to love somebody and have it not work out and have them be pissed at you. breaking up was hard enough for me as it was without dealing with his issues.