Is venting to an outside person ok???

[reovi]

Ok, so I am beginning to think I'm old fashioned in this regard... I was always a proponent of the 'don't air your dirty laundary' school of thought.

 

So if he vents about bumps in our relationship to his brother/friend/co-worker whomever is that acceptable?

 

I always thought complaining about your relationship to someone else was a sign of immaturity. I figured good relationships involved sorting things out amoung yourselves. Am I not exactly correct anymore?

 

I honestly don't know if he does vent about us to anyone anymore(I know he has in the past to his brother), but just the thought that he might makes me feel a tad betrayed...please tell me honestly, am I being irrational and is my way of thinking waaay out of date?

[Excalibur]

There's a difference between venting about teh fact you do a certain thing and are a certain way - that nothing is going to change....and talking about a specific problem you two have and how unreasonable you're being, etc.

[ghost69]

i think just about everyone needs to vent sometimes. it's always best to do it to someone you know closely. but if it was him venting to your mom or something, then i think it would be a problem.

[tictactoe2006]

I think it depends. I definitely think that is it NOT appropriate to vent to a friend of the opposite gender, as it can then make things confusing. Also, the 'ventee' should listen, but also channel the 'venter' back towards reslving the fight/issue with the SO. OTherwise, the seeds of resentment take heart.

[Clementine orange]

It's wise to choose to choose your venting "victim" carefully. Someone who cares enough to listen and who has had some life experience to know what you are talking about and someone who can keep a secret.

oh, right, and no hidden agendas too.

 

having said that though, complaining about your g/f to some other guy is kinda of useless unless the guy is really enlightened. Girls understand girls.

[Clementine orange]

. I definitely think that is it NOT appropriate to vent to a friend of the opposite gender, as it can then make things confusing. .

 

I see your point but doesn't someone of the opposite sex generally able to see the other side of things? They have insight into what might be going on.

[DN]

I think things that are private between a couple should stay between a couple and that it is a form of betrayal to talk to family, friends and co-workers about them.

 

There are a number of reasons not to do this, including:

 

• It means that people will be reluctant to talk to their partners about issues and problems knowing that anything they say will be repeated to others and discussed.
  
• It prejudices others against the partner - if all you hear about someone is a litany of complaints and so on then they will look on that person in a bad way and usually not give credit for the good they do as well in the relationship.
  

If you need to talk to someone go for counselling, join a support group or come onto a forum such as this.

 

Only when a relationship is beyond repair should family members and so on be privy to the details.

[Clementine orange]

I agree, I guess it depends on what the venting is about. If it's "she keeps leaving the milk out" then that is fairly innocent I'm thinking. But if it's "she has problems with my sex drive" then that WOULD be a betrayal and should probably be dealt with differently.

[DN]

I agree, I guess it depends on what the venting is about. If it's "she keeps leaving the milk out" then that is fairly innocent I'm thinking. But if it's "she has problems with my sex drive" then that WOULD be a betrayal and should probably be dealt with differently.

Yes, I agree. Minor irritations are a little different so long as it isn't a litany of complaints.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I only complain to my very best friend and only her about small things like a guy forgetting to call or something that he said that I found hurtful. But, I only ask to get advice for the situation because I like how healthy her own relationship with her boyfriend is and has been.

 

However, I always talk things over with my boyfriends. I don't complain behind his back and then never try to fix the problem with him. I'll always say something when I have a problem like "this comment made me feel ____" and it "really hurt when you did this".

 

If problems aren't addressed, the relationship is bound to fail. Not to mention, I, as long as many, cannot be comfortable in a relationship where my partner keeps secrets or doesn't feel comfortable enough telling me things.

 

And if he does vent, ask him to only tell one or two people. I have asked my boyfriends not to tell some of their guy friends about parts of our relationship with their guy friends. I just rather not have a lot of people know that much about me.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I think you're NOT being irrational.

In past relationships I used to be one to go to close friends to vent out feelings of anger, frustration, wanting to know if I am wrong, etc.

I realised in the long run they don't even help much.

 

Secondly, it makes people respect you less as a couple I feel. If people don't know about all the small disagreements you have, they see only what you present. Once you're gonna start telling them all the small stuff which happens, it makes them think "oh sure they LOOK happy, but I know they aren't. They're always fighting/disagreeing."

 

Thirdly, if you vent to someone outside, it's pretty logical you're telling only the negative stuff. I mean who goes to tell the positive right? It can come accross as bragging.

So for instance, say he is telling his brother, his brother will have this totally negative image of you and wonder why he is still with you.

When something bad happens in the future it is very likely your the person you vent to will likely bring up all the negative stuff you vented about.

 

And last, I find it's best to just go to each other to talk it out. If you vent to others, you don't tell the person who it concerns what's wrong. You go to others instead.

Sometimes I come to ENA when I want to know if I am being irrational, sometimes I will ask someone in person too. But no real venting, on a regular basis.

 

(I'm referring to healthy relationships overall though.)

[bijoux27]

Don't we vent on this website, lol.

[reovi]

Hahahahaha. Good point. I try to just keep the venting about my own stupidity though...

[Jelina]

I think it's very bad to vent alot to other people. It's different to do it here and there. If your partner continues to vent to other people, they might get a bad picture of you. Once you've heard one side of a story enough you start believing everything the person says. Then those people will think your a bad person, they might even think your undeserving of him. People usually take the side of the venter.

 

It depends alot though on what he is exactly complaining about to these people, although none of it must be good if your venting on it.... In my opinion it's always best to keep away personal problems about your relation from people you know very well. For example you don't want to tell your mother all the bad things your boyfriend has done to you, because even when he does do something nice for you, it won't change all the things you've already told her about your relationship. Venting about your partner is a good way to get people to hate him/her.

[ghost69]

it's okay to vent outside the relationship. some people can get carried away with their issues and venting directly at their SO wouldn't be a good idea.