Divorce in USA.

[just M.E.]

I am sure you can get primary custody but you will have visitation schedules. You cannot fight that unless you can absolutely prove he is unfit, and that ususally require drug/alcohol and mental instability. A lot harder to actually prove to a court.

 

I have been told that mostly pre-nups and post-nups hold up very well unless there are unusual circumstances. I would doubt his contesting would work but it can drive up the legal fees. Get a Settlement Agreement ASAP and be very sensible.

 

I recently got mine finalize but the numbers are brutal. There was a post nup but he argued about my tax refunds and kept that going for nearly a year. I would have given him $30-$40K in Sept of '07 and he ended up with $20K in July of this year .... BUT my legal bill went from $30K to almost $55K. It didn't matter what I said or did, if one party wants to delay and play games, you can only do so much. You can try push through court but the other side can delay and send your side on trivial searches for irrelevant information.

 

If you get something as a settlement that is close to what you expect, take it, not worth fighting over small things.

[thejigsup]

Infidelity has absolutely no bearing on who gets physical custody. It really doesn't matter to them. In fact, it has no bearing on the divorce. Be warned, the court will probably ask you to go to either school or work. They will say it is your husband's responsibility to support his daughter, not you. Things have really changed in that area. My bf does family law and he has had several clients lose custody of their kids to the cheater, just because the cheater has more money and has an income. They say "it is in the best interests of the child." If you want to be home for your daughter, you will get spousal support for a very short time and then child support till she's 18. And remember, custody battles never end. Every six months or so he can go back to court and request the days be changed. I know people with money who have bankrupted the exes doing this. Hang on to your hats!

[healthseeker]

Cadence, hope your doing allright amidst the stress. Check your PM file...I sent you one. Keep your head up, look how many people here are pulling for you!!

[John Bendix]

jigisup,

 

I do not know the family court procedures in the state in which you live, but in Texas, adultery and alleged adultery can be brought into the divorce hearings and trials. It can be written right into the suit and countersuit when alleging someone is a unfit parent.

 

In the case of Alex Rodriquez, of the NY Yankees, and his wife, it seems to be a huge deal.

 

Just a legal question. Your BF discusses his cases with you? His clients do not seem to mind?

[healthseeker]

Hey John,

 

I am in Texas too and that sounded strange to me, as well. I have seen many wealthy families break up and among them - many women that had their cheating husband's character work to thier favor in more ways than one!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Yes, adultery does matter when it comes to custody of young children, and can influence judges when awarding spousal support and deciding how to split property.

 

Marriage is a contract where it is implicit in the contract that the spouse is supposed to be faithful, and in many states adultery still is grounds for divorce.

 

I have never heard of cases where the custody of the child is given to the adulterous parent because they have more money... if one parent is an adulterer and the other is a drug addict, the custody might go the adulterer's way.

 

When a child is very young, it is usually not separated from a stay at home mother. The father is frequently ordered to pay rehabilitative alimony for at least a few years, and sufficient child support based on income, and the home usually stays where the child is until the mother is able to support herself.

[DN]

This may help - it is about Connecticut law.

 

I don't see anything about adultery being taken into account.

 

link removed

 

 

[karvala]

But as it also states, the court is not limited to the consideration of those factors, and in practice judges (in the UK at least; I can't speak about Connecticut) are wary of handing custody to an adulterous parent over a faithful one. Most often, a decisive factor is the child remaining in the familial home, and that is typically left with the faithful parent while the other moves out. There also remains, like it or not, a bias towards children remaining with the mother, especially when they're still quite young. I think in this case, the combination of being the victim of cheating rather than perpetrator, the one still living in the familial home, and being the mother, means custody of the children is almost inevitable, unless the children themselves raise an objection.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Yes, it is the entire divorce that takes adultery into consideration.

 

For example, the judge sees that thru no fault of her own, a woman is left by an adulterous husband. The judge is more likely to award the wife the home than the husband in the property settlement, and to award rehabilitative alimony to the wife for several years (or permanently depending on age and other factors), and to award sufficient property such that the wife can keep the house. Then when the wife keeps the house, they award custody of the children to wife because she is in the house and has been the primary caretaker.

 

So adultery is not directly relevant, but it influences a judge's decision in general in terms of division of property, support payments, who gets primary custody etc.

[DN]

A lot depends on the jurisdiction. Don't forget that many places have 'no fault' divorce. Obviously judges can have their own opinions but in many places they are expressly forbidden to take marital conduct into consideration when awarding child custody. The best interests of the child and as much contact as possible with both parents is considered desirable.

 

In any event the chances are that the mother of a child of 'tender years' will get primary custody providing she is a fit mother and it is very difficult to prove otherwise to an extent that custody would be affected. Additionally, statistics show that mothers get primary custody in the vast majority of cases anyway - hence the growing movement by fathers to get a fairer deal (from their perspective at least - Fathers4Justice is an example)

[John Bendix]

DN,

 

In Texas, which is a "no-fault divorce" state, it is not expressly forbidden for the judge to take marital conduct, such as adultery, into consideration when deciding custody issues.

 

I would be interested to know which places do forbid it? I could not find any states that do.

[DN]

link removed

[John Bendix]

DN,

 

Thanks for that link. But the descriptions for each state make no reference to what the family court is forbidden to consider.

 

I read through that and looked up few states, like the Conn one you included,

and still did not see anything remotely forbidding the judge to consider marital conduct in assigning custody.

[DN]

Let's not split hairs here - if a judge in those states where moral conduct is not a factor were to consider it overtly the judgment would be subject to an appeal.

 

But s/he doesn't have to consider it overtly - assuming that the evidence of adultery is allowed into evidence. S/he can base his official rulings on other factors.

 

But the chances of the OP losing custody to the father are remote anyway - the issue is going to be either joint custody or visitation and I very much doubt the father will be denied visitation because of adultery.

 

Also - this is an internet forum with members from around the world - not just the US. Since each country has different laws (and sometimes jurisdictions within those countries) it is really important that legal opinions are sought from lawyers in those places.

[avman]

Well being "no fault" doesn't mean that the conduct of the person has no bearing. It only means that you don't have to have grounds in order to get a divorce. Previously you had to prove fault in order to be granted a divorce in many of those locations. Now it's easier. You just state the marriage is broken and you can have the divorce.

 

Settlement of the issues is another matter entirely. And custody is another matter still. From what I've seen, you are pretty much at the mercy of the judge and their own biases and tendencies. Some will punish an adulterous spouse in the property settlement or custody phase. Others won't take it into consideration at all. Other times they punish the party that doesn't deserve it. It really is a crapshoot.

 

One would hope that justice and logic would prevail and I'm sure in many cases it does. But there are enough strange examples where sometimes you really have to wonder.

[John Bendix]

avman,

 

Some points well taken. I agree with you 100% that the judges in Family Court (in this country) have a huge amount of leeway for which to make their decisions.

 

Adultery used to be "grounds" for divorce. No-fault divorce has taken away the need for this action. But it still can have a bearing as to child custody issues. In Texas, even alleged (do not have to have prove it, just an indication) adultery can be put into the petition before the court. It can have an impact.

 

To carry it further, adultery can be used in the determination of being an unfit parent. Did the cheating partner have the best interest of the children in mind when they decided to step out of the legal agreement of marriage? I am not saying that this is right or wrong, but it often used.

[doyathink]

I agree. I know of one case where infidelity was made into a huge deal here (by the judge)....and this is also a 'no fault' state.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I also know of a case where the couple was only married about 5 years, but the man committed some blatant adultery (on the order of Cadence's husband's 'love nest') while their child was about the age of Cadence's baby, and the judge not only gave the wife custody of the daughter, he also gave the maximum child support and alimony for life, which is very unusual considering the wife had a job and was supporting herself.

 

The judge also made the husband pay all the legal fees and awarded the wife a large lump sum judgment more than half of the assets. He also gave the husband a very stern talking to about taking his responsibilities seriously, so in the case of adultery, especially when the wife has a baby/toddler at home, a lot of what happens is the judge's discretion.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

And speaking of this, Cadence, how did your day at the lawyer's go?

[avman]

I also know of a case where the couple was only married about 5 years, but the man committed some blatant adultery (on the order of Cadence's husband's 'love nest') while their child was about the age of Cadence's baby, and the judge not only gave the wife custody of the daughter, he also gave the maximum child support and alimony for life, which is very unusual considering the wife had a job and was supporting herself.

 

The judge also made the husband pay all the legal fees and awarded the wife a large lump sum judgment more than half of the assets. He also gave the husband a very stern talking to about taking his responsibilities seriously, so in the case of adultery, especially when the wife has a baby/toddler at home, a lot of what happens is the judge's discretion.

 

Yep, good example. Some awfully crazy things happen sometimes and awards get entered which are just way out of proportion. You just never know!