Help!:cry:

[tina-rocks]

Hello! My name is Tina and I'm not sure where to start but here goes.

 

My husband who I have been married to for 12 years announced 2 months ago he no longer loves me. He said "It just died". I know we have had our issues over the years with lack of children and more recently my health but I have never faltered with my love for him.

 

Since this shock announcement I have been through every emotion possible and for the first 3 days I could not stop crying.

 

When I first discovered he agreed to move out of our bedroom into the spare room until he had time to think about what he wanted. This lasted 2 days and he came back to my room saying he just feels more comfortable there However, if I even accidently brush up to him during the night he flinches and moves to the edge of the bed. I can't sleep. He will not move back out. I have made every concession he has asked of me to try to make him happy and yet he is getting worse.

 

He will not leave our house as he said he has no where else to go and has announced last night he will not file for divorce now as he does not want solicitors taking our money. The valuation of our property came up a lot lower than he throught. He said I can file online

 

This morning! he shouted at me and blamed me for our entire marriage breakdown and will not accept responsibility for any of this. He is so angry all the time. He is hardly home at all and goes away a lot.

 

I'm sorry to be burdening anyone with this but not at all sure what is happening!

 

Please can anyone help!

[surfjon]

Aw, I'm very sorry.....

 

My wife of 20 years left me exactly 1 year ago, we've been divorced now since May.

It's so hard, I see it's your first post. Sadly, I still remember the day I found this site,I truly believe it may have saved my life, I was so devastated when she left.

 

He sounds like the "walkaway spouse", building a wall of blame and trying to get you to shoulder all the blame. Do not accept all the blame, it takes two.

 

Give him space, if this is what he truly wants then you should encourage him to leave.

 

Wouldn't he try counseling or anything?? It's so hard when one person wants out abruptly, if he is gone alot, are you sure there is nobody else? Sometimes this is the case when the husbands want to walk..........

 

I feel for you, everyone is here for you, we've all been thru some pretty hard times and this place becomes "sangha", a place of refuge.

 

I'm sorry you are here, but you found a good place.....

 

jon

[allypally]

What a terrible situation to be in - I am so sorry this has happened to you.

 

How old are you both if you don't mind my asking? do you think that he may be going through a mid-life crisis?

 

I think if I was in your shoes I would move out, regardless of the value of the house. Since he won't file a divorce as its costly and won't move out, in the meantime you are stuck with someone you have married to for 12yrs who doesn't know whether they want you or not??

 

I would move out and stay with friends or family and let him be lost without you. Since from what you've said the attraction has gone for him, one of the most common things to happen in long-term relationships, then hard as this may sound, re-start your life without him.

 

He has made this statement to you!

 

They say about the 7yr itch, well maybe this is the 12yr itch?

 

All I know is, I couldn't sit around waiting for my husband to decide whether he wants me or not, and yet he won't even file for a divorce.

 

Protect yourself, give him and yourself space and he'll soon realise what he's missing when you're no longer there. Maybe he is just taking you for granted and wants excitement in his life again.

[_free_]

Hi Tina

 

This must feel terribly painful for you, perhaps like you've been betrayed, and that your unconditional love for him is not being returned.

 

I'm ashamed to say that I've done similar things as your husband to the woman I loved most. Know this - it was not really because I did not love her. It was because I felt unsatisfied with my life and my own achievements. This made me very self-centered and I started looking for anyone and anything to blame but myself.

 

I stopped appreciating the good things in my life. And also the best things in my life: the people who love me.

 

If this is any comfort, if your husband is going through the same thing I went through - it is not because he doesn't love you - it is probably because he is so blinded by his own feelings of inadequacy and the resulting selfishness that he is unable to appreciate the one person who loves him more than anyone else - you.

 

The bad news is that unfortunately you cannot do anything to change his mind, or make him think differently. It has to come from himself.

 

I would put a time limit on it.

 

Allow yourself perhaps a month where you will give him space and hope he fights his demons, but still do things to show him you love him, and that you'd like to restore your relationship.

 

If after a month nothing changes, to protect yourself I think you should get away somehow to protect yourself. Either temporarily - if you'd like to give him more time - or permanently if you can't face it anymore.

 

Good luck, this is a really bad and difficult situation for you. I pray for the best for you.

[medievalady]

I'm still young, so I don't know if my advice really helps, but here it goes:

A friend of mine and her husband were going through a very similar thing. They weren't married as long, but suddenly her husband told her that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with her any more. He said that he didn't know if he still loved her and started to compare her to the women that he had been with before her. She was completely devistated because she wasn't sure what had brought all of this on, and he didn't want to talk about any of it. He left their home completeley for about a week to stay with his family, and in that time she let him have his space, she didn't call him or try to see him, and just went on with life as well as she could going to work and staying home with their dog. After a week he came back on his own because he realized that he had missed her and said that he really did want to be with her, and since then they have slowly built their relationship back up. Perhaps it would be best if you moved out and stayed with family for a while, cut off communication and just let him stew for a while so that he realizes that he misses and loves you. Good luck, I hope things work out.

[tina-rocks]

Thank you all so much for your replies it really helps to know I have people to talk too.

 

I am 36 and Karl is 44. We live in the UK and met when I was 19 and have been together ever since.

 

The only family I have are my parents but my father has been ill and so staying with them is not an option.

 

I lost all my own friends quickly after we met and the only friends left are now mutual. Makes for awkward conversation as they are not aware of Karl's revelations.

 

It is 23:19 hours here and I am sitting in the living room on the laptop wishing I was anywhere but here right now.

 

I will be seeing a solicitor next week about what my options are as you are right I know I can't live like this. Too....! painful. Just not sure how to move on when Karl has been my whole adult life.

 

You know that out of body experience? I'm still in it after 2 months or more. I do feel betrayed and am not entirely convinced of Karl's fidelity. He has said he has no one else but contradicts himself a lot and half the time his words just seem jumbled and your right he does seem very angry all the time and confusion does seem to factor also.

 

I am so sorry for burdening you all with this as I know you are suffering yourselves. But, your advice is greatly appreciated.

 

 

I will check in soon although it will be when you are all asleep or just waking. Need to get my timing better down. Practice makes perfect.

 

Tina x

[_free_]

Hi Tina

 

Firstly, you're not burdening anyone. All of us here have something in common - the pain and hurt. Just to know you're not the only one hurting is consolation on its own.

 

You must be extremely lonely and isolated. It sounds like the only people who know about your troubles are you and Karl? It must be so hard to keep all of that inside.

 

I think your husband may be feeling frustrated and guilty and trapped, perhaps because he is unhappy with himself as a man, perhaps because he was not faithful, and that is where the anger comes from.

 

If you have any hope left for your relationship at all, you're going to have to find a real person to confide in. Even if this means sharing what you're going through with some of your mutual friends, or your parents, or calling up one of your long lost friends and asking for help.

 

If your husband is to face his demons, it's up to him, and he'll have to do it on his own.

 

Your priority should be to take care of your own heart. You are valuable enough.

 

I'm praying for you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Just keep in mind that you have done nothing wrong! When someone behaves like this, where they blame their partner for their own distress, he is just beng selfish and self centered and certainly not very self aware.

 

This is actually a technique that some people use to exit a relationship. They know they want out, but are too guilty (or passive) to stand up and make the break themselves, so they behave badly until their partner gets sick of it and throws them out. That is what he is hoping, and this tactic may be conscious or unconscious on his part, but he is too much of a coward to do the break himself.

 

It is wise to go to an attorney and consider your options. No one should have to live with someone who is behaving in the hurtful way he is.

 

Best of luck, you will be fine!

[tina-rocks]

Hi,

 

I know what you mean about having someone to rely on. If it is alright with you all I would like to keep talking. I really don't have anyone else.

 

I have an appointment on the 31st for the solicitor. I am so afraid.

 

I got about 2 hours sleep last night. Can't concentrate. Everything is so blurry!

 

Karl went away this weekend again. He is a musician. Went on Friday for gig saturday to come back today. Dreading it!. Not sure I can cope today as I am having such a bad day. Keep crying and I know I need to stop.

 

God help me!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Honey, this will probably be the hardest thing you ever do, so keep that in mind, that is is a very hard time, but you will get thru it, and it will be easier once you actually start doing something rather than sit around having him treat you badly.

 

You need to grieve the loss, but it will be better to not have him around being nasty to you. You can heal, find yourself again, and move on with your life.

 

If you seriously have trouble sleeping, please consider going to the doctor and getting some medication if you need it to help you sleep. But also try to distract yourself by watching TV or doing other relaxing things before bedtime to help you sleep.

[tina-rocks]

Hi,

 

Thank you! I just logged on just in case and my heart warmed at your reply. Sorry! I just felt like giving up.

 

Up and down like a yo yo!.

 

I honestly do not know what I would have done without you all. Every little word you say keeps my sanity. Even when I am ranting. (I am really sorry for that) Not like me. Or, how I used to be since this happened I hardly recognise myself. Like I'm looking down on someone else.

 

Really frightening.

 

I will have to log off now as he will be back soon and I have to compose myself.

 

I will check back in and would really like to read some more posts and try to give support if not advice as I would not be the best for that right now.

 

Thanks again!

 

Your an angel!

[pickles]

Tina ... the same thing essentially happened to me. Unbelievable and devastating. Married for 10 years, together for 15, two young children ... ripped into shreds in a moment. I cried so hard, I had never experienced that sort of agony and darkness.

 

I read 1 book that turned everything around. "How to Get over the Loss of a Love" ... very simple handbook that helped me survive.

 

2 years later, I am happy, healthy, have found love again ... miraculous and possible.

 

Best to you,

Pickles

[fixyou_]

I'm sorry, that must be unbearable.

Don't ever let a man tell you everything was your fault.

I can't imagine what goes through your head; the man flinches...

Best thing you can do right now is to make a plan FOR YOU.

[Takotsubo]

I am so sorry for your situation. I know it hurts a lot and you will need to take it day by day...

 

One of the hardest situations is not having too many people to lean on, but now is the time to reach out to others. Can you seek professional help? No, it doesn't mean you're crazy, it just means you need an objective eye in which to see things. It is good to chat with people about it, and more importantly, some people will really reach out and try to help you.

 

Others, well, it's not their fault if they don't know how to handle this. I believe, though, if you can financially afford it, to perhaps go stay somewhere else for a few days. Do you have friends and family you can stay with?

 

You will get through this! I'll make sure we both do!

[whitto]

I agree, sounds like a 'walkaway' too. I am going through the same issue. My guess is, something/someone is on his mind!