Feeling low...

[chocolatstar]

Hi everybody, I'm new here. I found this site after searching for break up advice forums...and I guess I'm writing now because I just need some help.

 

I'm a 22 year old woman and I'm gay. I didn't fully realise this until I met my ex 10 months ago. She broke up with me the middle of last month. We were togethe for 9 months and the break up came as a complete and total shock to me. Seriously, we were so good I didn't see it coming at all. I thought that we were in it for the long run...and now, I just don't know how to handle it.

 

We had a few problems I suppose. She had issues with admitting her sexuality to anyone outside her close friend circle (including her family) and I am, though newly discovered, proud of my sexuality - so this meant restrictions on being affectionate in public because she could feel uneasy and that was a little difficult to take sometimes...but I didn't mind. I love her so much that I didn't care about that, and I thought I was helping her work through it - everday she seemed to be getting more confident and yet that was one of the reasons why she broke it off with me. Because she thought I deserved more. Deserved someone who was as proud as I was. ....I don't understand why she wouldn't let me help her. We were doing great and I love her despite that issue, so why wasn't that enough?

 

Part of me thinks that if she really wanted to make a go of it with me then she would have stuck though it. To tell me 'it's not you, it's me,' feels like a cop out. Why wasn't love enough?

 

When she broke up with me she told me that it was the hardest decision she'd ever had to make because she really did love me - so why wasn't that a big enough foundation to build upon?

We were so good together.

 

There were other reasons she said - she got busy sometimes which would limit the time we spent together some weeks and we had differing libidos - but I don't know. That stuff didn't matter to me.

 

My mind keeps focussing on the great memories - on the kisses and cuddles and dinners and walks and I just find myself crying all the damn time.

I wake up every morning with the same stab of pain realising that it was all a dream and she's actaully not with me.

It hurts to know that I'll never be with her ever again in that way.

 

We want to be friends. I can't imagine my life without her in it - even if it's just friends - but I find that everytime I see her I just remember what we had and it makes me sad. ....Is it possibly to build a friendship after a relationship? I'm finding it so hard. Should I give it more time?

 

She was my first love, my first girlfriend and I miss her so much. I don't even miss the romance side sometimes - just her and being around her.

I know she loves me and I know that she broke up with me for selfless reasons - but it's only of little comfort.

 

I keep wishing that she will come back to me.

 

I know so many people have been through this, but this is my first time with someone I really care about....a little advice? I'd appreciate anything you guys can give.

 

Thank you in advance.

[Haven]

It takes time. When my ex and I broke up a few months ago, it was awful. I would wake up every morning and just start crying because I felt so along. He was the first guy I'd ever cared about that much. I would be fine, and then sometimes would remind me of him and I would remember all the good things, and I'd just start crying again.

 

The main thing that helped me move on was focusing on all the ways he wasn't the one for me. You know? At some point you'll get tired of crying and being sad all the time, and it's then that you need to realize that your ex was the one to break up with you, she was the one to hurt you, she wouldn't even tell her family about you... you know? She was more concerned about social acceptance than you. Which can be understandable, but it certainly means that she was probably not the "one true love" or anything like that for you.

 

I know that right now, you can only remember the good things, but eventually you will hopefully realize that all the hurt you're feeling was caused by her. I didn't see my breakup coming either, but in hindsight I've realized that my ex had to have seen it coming... and thus a lot of things I had felt/thought were totally untrue.

 

Honestly, I have personally never been able to move on from a relationship unless I sever all contact with the person. It's just too difficult for me to be constantly reminded of how I was ultimately rejected, wondering "why wasn't I good enough?" or "why didn't he want to be with me?" If you're having difficulty moving on, you might want to consider going to NC for at least a little while, until you're over her.

 

I really hope at least some of this helps you. It will get better, if you want it to. Be strong - best of luck. *hugs*

[kuhl282000]

I feel your pain ...I just broke up with the love of my life after almost 5 years .....and like you I thought love was enough ....she however was looking for something else and maybe even someone else ......she said all the right things at times ........but I could feel the distance between us .......now shes gone and I feel the same exact way as you do .........its hard ....I cry....I'm sad ........I can feel her out there now over the tree tops and I just want to reach out and hug her ......but she is gone now........my reality now is totally different ......I have to now fill a void I'm having a really difficult time filling........because no one can fill it in really except her ..........can we be friends ......I say I would like that........but deep down ....I don't really just want to be friends because we were more then that we were lovers ......and we to wer going all the way so I thought ..........in the end it all changed ......sadness comes over me at times like a big blanket, and I sometimes just want to crawl in a deep hole and pull the dirt over me.............its painful ......not a day in these last 2 months have I not thought about her .......everyday I wake up, and its sort of not real but then it hits me ........and I don't think I've really smiled in 2 months .......do I want her back .....oh yes, and would take her back in a heartbeat .........will that happen .....I doubt it, but I grasp on to hope even if it is false hope .......and that is really not good .....so each day I try and accept a little more slowly that she is gone.......really gone. And each day I try and move forward in my now new totally different life without her .........I've actually thought about killing myself once, and that was a pretty scary thought because I've never done that before or would even think that way...but the pain at times seemed to much ......because it was like no one really cared. So you have to be careful and not isolate yourself to much ........I'm just now starting to get back out there.....and I really don't like it out there .....I have to watch the booze not to drink to much it only makes things worst ........time.. time... time .......the endless word...what will happen in time ....if we really only knew ........here is a special song for you ....your words will be coming from the guy Michael McDonald......it will make you cry ........get some kleenex but it will also make you heal ...I promise.

[Kahdeksan]

Chocolatstar, perhaps you should give her time and indeed yourself some time... she might be having issues with who she HAS to be. You did outline that she kept you away from her family and so forth. So perhaps there are outside pressures that come into play here that might delay her decision or inhibit them. She might be confused... speak to her about this, but don't pressure her, I think she's in a delicate situation here, and you, you're in a desperate situation. Then give the two of you some time off....

 

I'm actually going through the same phase where I wake up and it takes a second or two to realize that my special someone is gone, and not next to me anymore. It hurts.... but you have to focus on yourself, and prepare yourself for the worse... not much point hanging onto false hope - doesn't mean you have to give up completely though - just be prepared for the worse.

 

And hey, if things workout it's a pleasant surprise, right?

 

You lived your live before she came along, and you can live without her, it'll just take some time....

 

Sending you lots of love!!

[kuhl282000]

GOOD ADVICE ........from Hahdeksan

 

You lived your live before she came along, and you can live without her

[Kahdeksan]

I feel your pain, Kuhl, somewhat more than mine, because if there is such a thing as true love, I know you lived through it. You did the right thing, you LOVED her enough to let her go, it takes a tremendous amount of love to do that!

 

I feel your pain my friend.

 

I pray too that one day, just one day, she'll come to her senses... and see how much you loved her.

 

I pray... But I will not hope...

 

Sending you lots of love too, my friend...

[Dani0613]

I'm in a similar situation as well with my ex gf. I'm 31 and she is 24. We recently broke up b/c she feels the need to be alone in order to focus on herself. This was extremely hard for the both of us b/c she told me that she loved me, that I was her best friend, that she could see a future with me, etc...What it comes down to is that she is just downright confused with what she wants out of life. We were together for 1 1/2 years and in the last few months, I noticed her becoming more distant.

 

Her step father just passed away in April and it was at that time that I noticed a HUGE change in her behavior and demeanor. She's not depressed, but I think the loss has caused her to focus on herself and truly reflect on her life and where she's at. I dont' know. She's never really be alone; has always been in a relationship or catered to by family and/or friends. She needs this time, as hard as it is for me.

 

I let her go. It's only been a month but suffice it to say, it's been the LONGEST month of my life. We were best friends as well as lovers and the loss I'm experiencing as a result of this is a void I feel will never be filled again... I'm praying that she realizes how valuable our relationship was/is and comes to her senses. I can't force her to 'grow up' emotionally; she has to do that in and on her own time. In the meantime, I HAVE to continue to focus my energy on ME.