Trying to move on, and my confession

[_free_]

I broke up with my girlfriend about two months ago.

 

Please excuse if this is a garble and messy and all over the place. That's pretty much what my mind is like at the moment.

 

I'm feeling very regretful, sad, lonely and also ashamed.

 

 

While we were together my girlfriend often did and said a lot of things that hurt me very much. She reacted very easily out of her emotions. She would sometimes say things to me that just didn't make sense and were not true. E.g. that I did not love her, that I was looking at other girls, or that I actually wanted to be with my X.

 

It really hurt me a lot. I kept going because I loved her, and I believed we could make it work, and I always "understood" that what she said was because of deeper rooted feelings. She was also very alone and unhappy at the time. She had no friends and she'd moved back in with her mom.

 

We were in a LDR until the beginning of this year, so I always thought - as soon as we're together things will be different.

 

Last year she started pressuring me into getting married. I was working on a very stressful contract, and we were still in a LDR, seeing each other about once every three months when I took leave.

 

I did not feel ready to get married, and I thought we should at least live in the same town for a few months before deciding for sure.

 

Eventually, after she just couldn't let it go, I agreed to get engaged. My condition was that we give it a year or two before getting married.I was also happy to do this, because it was my heart's intention to marry her. I just wasn't ready to do it right away, and I knew my contract was almost up and that we could then be together. At first she was satisfied.

 

However, two days after we got engaged, she broke it off. I couldn't believe it. We were on holiday together at the time. I had just finished an incredibly stressful stretch of work, and I was looking forward to seeing her so much. But she was in a bad way from the start, complaining about everything, and she really gave me a hard time.

 

Getting engaged was a really big step for me - I'd never been engaged before. And after all her nagging about us getting married, and me taking one of the biggest steps in my life, she breaks it off within two days!! It really really broke my spirit.

 

She told me that her reason was that she thought I was not serious about getting married. Sigh...

 

Skipping ahead a few months, I finally finished my contract, and got back home. We moved to a new town together, hoping to build a life and our relationship from scratch.

 

She was under financial pressure, because she'd quit her job, and did not find anything before we moved. Within a few months things turned really bad. She was completely dependent on me financially, and she was trying to get a business started that just didn't want to work. She finally found a job, but by then I was used up, stressed up, and just wanted out.

 

So I gave her enough money to survive for a month, and broke off the relationship.

 

It's been about two months now. I feel very lonely, sad, and angry. I also realized that I also did a lot of things wrong. Some of the ways I was thinking was selfish, and focussed on myself. Being honest with myself I must also admit I did not treat her in the way a man should treat and take care of the woman he wants to marry.

 

For example, I did not do a lot to make our dates special. I would take her to a smart restaurant, but I wouldn't dress up, or get her a flower, or show her that she is the prettiest girl in the world. It just lost that touch of specialness.

 

During the last few months when I had to support her financially, I also got real stingy and put a lot of pressure on her to cut costs and live cheaply. I now wish I'd cut her some slack.

 

A lot of her financial stresses were because of her own bad planning. It was also jumped on me - like I found out three days before month end that she was broke, and wouldn't be able to make her payments beginning the next month. I wish she'd told me earlier, so that at least I could have prepared myself better - if only mentally.

 

But on the other hand, I had plenty of money, and I didn't need to make such a big thing of it. I could have just told her to warn me earlier next time, helped her and supported her. I mean I had the money... it was not like I was under pressure myself.

 

I think a lot of it was out of what I did wrong was out of my own hurt and anger. But I was also blinded by pride and selfishness.

 

 

When I realized all of this, I tried to contact her again.

 

I just wanted to apologize, to tell her how sorry I am. And I wanted to try again.

 

But she's moved on. She doesn't want it anymore.

 

The funny thing is, NOW she seems to have done all the right things that she should have done a year ago when she was unhappy and pressuring me all the time.

 

Now she's making new friends, getting involved, and thinking about her own goals and passions.

 

I just feel it is so * * * * ing unfair, sad, avoidable, stupid. I feel all my life energy and enthusiasm was drained by this relationship, and that it was just so * * * * ing unnecessary. And I want to kick myself for the things I did wrong, and the mistakes I made.

 

 

This is where I am. I'm confused, and I don't really know what is the right or wrong thing to do.

 

I feel very lonely. I'm starting to make new friends, joined a church and a running club, but I'm in a new town and especially feeling the way I am it doesn't happen overnight.

 

With this post I wanted to say to someone - to anyone - things I've been keeping inside myself because I don't have anyone close enough to share it with. I don't really know what I want from it.

 

But any advice / thoughts welcome.

[bfla]

This reminds me a lot of my own story. Especially the being afraid to spend money even though you have it part.

[chopperboy]

I've been where you are. I am actually in the same place right now (again). The most special relationship I ever had just cratered, and I'm left trying to put myself back together again. In our state of mind, we can always find ways to beat ourselves up. We find ways we think we failed our partners. We think things could be perfect had we just done this or that. This introspection is necessary for us to learn from the failure and to gain closure, but it's not really useful in reviving the relationship that failed. Let's face it - we didn't sink these relationships single-handedly. You tried to be good to her in the ways you knew how. I did the same. If things were really working, our partners would have appreciated our efforts, and would have put out efforts of their own to make us happy in return. Or they would have talked to us to tell us what else they need from us in order to be happy. That's what happens in working relationships. People work to mutually connect, and to be all that they can for each other. Working relationships just work. Ours didn't, but not because we didn't put out any more effort. Something fundamental was off, and thinking that extra effort would have changed it is futile. What you're doing with your life now is right. Take time to regroup and work on yourself. Internalize any lessons you can glean from this experience, and open yourself up to new ones. And look forward to that relationship that doesn't feel forced or one-sided. What you can't make right with one person will just come naturally with another.

[jenna981]

It sounds like you did alot of the right things, I wouldn't beat yourself up over not doing the romantic things like flowers or getting dressed up for dinner. It's not your fault her bad planning led to her financial problems.

 

Your relationship sounds like it had some similarities to mine.

At some point I lost trust in him and thought the same things your ex did, I thought he was looking at other girls, missed/wanted to be with his ex and if he really loved me as much as he said. I didn't pressure him to get married, he wanted to do that on his own, but I did doubt he was serious about getting married. It was really all my own insecurities though and being out of the relationship I regret not just trusting his words. He said me doubting him so much was stressing him out. We found an apartment to live together and he said the same thing you did, he hoped being together I would start believing him. He was supporting me till I found a job in the new area but he broke up with me before I even did find a job.

 

I think he did try, and I'm not saying nothing is his fault, but I do see how I did things wrong. Maybe she sees what she did wrong and thats why you see her getting her life together now?

 

Anyway, from the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong not giving her money. It's sounds like you regret breaking up during a stressful time. You don't know if you got back together with her if the the same situation would happen or if she's changed for the better would it still be the same?

[_free_]

@bfa: Yup, read your story, and yup, it sounds similar.

 

I became got quite obsessive. I even asked her to marry me again. But I know she wants space and me trying to push in now is not going to help my cause.

 

Thank God she's not having any rebound relationships. I can't begin to imagine how bad that must be for you dude. * * * * . Just imagining it makes me cringe.

 

 

@chopperboy: Perhaps you're right, but I can't help but feel our situation was unique.

 

I was working an EXTREMELY stressful job - based in Nigeria, on a 10 week on 2 week off cycle. During this time she went through some changes in her life, moving from London back to South Africa. Back in SA, she was suddenly struggling to make friends, she had a job she didn't like, and she made a lot less money. It was like going from independent back to dependent, and I could clearly see the changes in how she treated me.

 

@jenna: Yes, I do regret breaking up. I broke up RIGHT AFTER she finally found a job, and would be able to support herself.

 

It was like I told her: phew, now I won't have to worry about you surviving anymore, here's a month's worth of money, now just go I don't want you around anymore.

 

That is what I felt like then. I was beaten up, angry, still hurting, stressed, etc.

 

I do think her having to cut it on her own without me has finally also forced her to start taking care of herself, make her own friends, and basically - just take responsibility for herself. So yes, I do think she's changed for the better.

 

She's got a blog, so I can read what she's up to. She's joined a church, sorted out her relationship with God, made new friends, following some hobbies, and she's even blogging about finally admitting some of the things that she did wrong all the time we were together.

 

I also definitely had some wrong priorities - e.g. my big plans for business and pursuing sport goals. I'm ashamed to say this, but they were more important to me than the person I loved more than anyone else. That's partly why I got so uptight about my money (the other being that she really did not plan properly - it drove me out the wall), and couldn't show her how much I loved her.

 

Now I feel like, what was I thinking!?? What do all my achievements and success and money mean if it costs me my relationships with the people I love most?

 

I've known this girl since I was 13. I was in love with her all through high-school, but always too afraid to tell her or ask her out on a date. Then finally, many years and a few girlfriends later, we started talking again and I got the chance I never got when I was younger.

 

I just regret this whole mess. * * * * . And I feel ashamed for being so wimpy and soppy and broken about it. It doesn't look manly, and I'm sure it just makes me less attractive and will make people suspicious if I try to make new friends.

[CakeLove]

I had kind of the same situation, but I was the female in the story. There was lots of stress and changes...and he was off on his own tangent emotionally...and I couldn't take it anymore and we broke up. He wanted me back after he realized that he was a big part of it..but after all we had been through..I just couldn't. I think that if your relationship cracks and breaks under tremendous stress...and the two sides cannot hold it together...it wasn't meant to be..and eventually, it could have been worse, or you might have had children. Chalk it up as a lesson learned...and continue to move forward. Good luck !

[_free_]

@CakeLove

 

Thanks CakeLove.

 

I think that's probably what she's thinking - too much hurt to try again.

 

I can't help but regret it deeply - my dream girl - and all chances blown.

 

But you're probably right, the best thing is just to move on, or at least give it a few months before trying again.

[desiree81]

I understand how it's like for you to regret. I also did the selfish thing about putting my ambitions above my relationship with my ex. (but i try not to beat myself up by reminding myself that my ex never seemed to care that's why i had to take care of myself).

 

Also you have to understand that being in a new town has put a tremendous stress on you. It's difficult enough even without a broken relationship. It hurts worse to see your ex being able to move on without you while you're still all hung up.

 

It's not about who did wrong or what went wrong. Yes, it's good to learn from it and treat the person who you will love must better next time. However, sometimes there're lots of external factors that stressed your relationship out, such as finance and moving to a new town etc. You think you could have handled it better but looking back, really, you were who you were and there's no other ways. It's hard to accept but, it's just not meant to be.

 

I suppose that you believe in God. He's with you even during your darkest days now. It's difficult now but after the worst is over, things will get better.

[_free_]

@Desiree

 

Thanks for the encouraging words.

 

I have been beating myself up a lot. I'm starting to realize - ok, lessons learnt, no use destroying yourself any further because of this.

 

@Everyone

 

Thank-you so much for all the kind words and good advice.

[Clabs]

Hi free

 

It is good to look and see what you may have done to contribute to the downfall of your relationship, but I agree - I think you are way too harsh on yourself. What you say there makes so much sense - why destroy yourself any further?

 

Now start to think about all the great qualities you have to offer in a relationship - sounds to me like there are plenty. It didn't work this time around but you will be older and wiser into your next relationship.

 

Mark

[_free_]

Thanks Mark

 

I suppose the beating up stage is there for you to learn from for the future. It SUCKS, but it has its advantages.

 

But moving on from here forward. No more beating up. Confessed, repented & focusing on the good.

 

Francois

[Clabs]

Nice one Francois

 

The thing about relationships failing is that it is not always about what either of you did or didn't do - there can often be so many external factors - family - work - just crappy timing really.

 

The important thing now is to keep looking forward - focus not on what went wrong but what you can do right in life and what is good in your life. So many people waste so much time moping around but even if you are alone - so what? There is nothing to stop you being happy alone and appreciating all the other things in your life that you maybe take for granted.

 

Mark