Seymore Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 When I was single, I used to go to my parents' after work for dinner. We'd talk about the day, etc. Sometimes, we'd go for coffee after. So pretty much every night we'd go out together. I'm 29, so yeah, that's kind of weird. When I started dating my girlfriend, every night with the family became 2-3 nights a week. My girlfriend loves that I love my family, but wishes I'd pull away more and be my own person. I've been helping her move for the last week. Yesterday I told her that last night I would go to have dinner with my family and meet up with her after to help move. She was fine with that. This morning she asked what our plan was for tonight. I told her that maybe we could have dinner at my folks', since it's by where I have to pick her up from, and then we could go move more stuff. She made a comment saying "I didn't know you were going to have dinner every night with your parents still - you're going to the movies with your dad Friday, to church and brunch with your family on Sunday - you've got to let go a little". Does this sound normal or crazy? I mean, I brought it up at dinner once and my mom said that once my dad hit 25, he went to visit his parents once every other week to do laundry. They've both always told me that I need to have a life. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 do you really eat there every night? Link to comment
Seymore Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 do you really eat there every night? No. When I was single I used to stop there Mon-Thurs nights, now it's one or two nights a week. When SHE said "every night" it sounded a little sarcastic, like she was exaggerating. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 No. When I was single I used to stop there Mon-Thurs nights, now it's one or two nights a week. When SHE said "every night" it sounded a little sarcastic, like she was exaggerating. do you mention it a lot? maybe that's why she thinks that way or refers to it as 'every night.' Link to comment
Seymore Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 Well, it came out kind of snotty, like I still haven't let go and here I am wanting to see them every night again, which isn't the case. Either way, it's beside the point. My point was - do you see your family much when you have a girlfriend? Is 2-3 times a week still too much to be hanging with my brother/parents? Link to comment
DakotaSkye Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I don't think it's so weird to spend that much time with your family... My mom had always told me, "I didn't move out until I was 25, and even then my dad had to kick me out. But I still went over to their house to have lunch every day." And she STILL goes over there for lunch every day, and she's now in her 50s. I think it's good to have that connection with your family, especially when you consider all the people that can't STAND to be around their family. They want to get out at 18, or 16... A support base like that is healthy. Yes, I do agree that maybe you should branch out a little, but I don't see anything wrong with 2-3 nights a week. That's enough time to touch base with the family and stay connected. But, understandably, your girlfriend wants to have some time with you, too. There's a delicate balance to maintain, but I think it can be done. Is there a specific reason why you spend so much time with your family? Do you perhaps feel obligated? Or maybe it's just habit from when you were younger? And how does your girlfriend feel about your family? Does she get along with them pretty well? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 i don't think there is anything wrong with your point of seeing your family. you are a family-oriented person. if i could see them that much, i would. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Either way, it's beside the point. My point was - do you see your family much when you have a girlfriend? Is 2-3 times a week still too much to be hanging with my brother/parents? Is it 2-3 nights a week, PLUS, like she said, every Friday you go to the movies w/ your brother and every Sunday you go to church & brunch with your family? ETA: oh, I just looked at your other threads. The reason your gf is being so sarcastic about you spending time w/ your family is that just recently you told her if you 2 move in together you will have to hide it from your parents. So yeah, right about now she thinks your parents are WAY over-invlolved in your life (I agree), and the multiple dinners a week are just drivig that point home. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 my last bf was really family dependent. it was annoying. part of the reason why he broke up with me (i think) was because his mom didn't like me. but its not like she knew me. she met me twice. too dependent = annoying. i like family orientated people, however, i can't stand dependent people. i go home every weekend i can to spend time with my mom. if she lived closer, i'd be over there for dinner everyday! from the previous poster's post, i think that's where she's annoyed with as well. your dependence on your family. she needs someone who will stand up for her, even to their own family if she's going to be in a relationship and hopefully build a family of her own with you. know what i mean? Link to comment
Seymore Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 I never updated anyone on that "move-in" situation - I decided I needed to stop the dependent stuff and so I told my folks, like it was nothing. They didn't argue - my mom looked uneasy, but my dad said to her "He's a man - he has a life now". She never had a good relationship with her family, so I think she doesn't quite understand how we get along so well. But, yes, I do feel the obligation at times to have dinner with them - I kinda get the "We missed you last night" talk, but they've gotta deal with that themselves. I can't be there every day. I can't feel guilty anymore. And no, it's not 2-3 times a week PLUS Friday nights. Maybe Monday night, Thursday night and church and brunch on Sunday morning. It's not a set time every week, except for Sunday. This Friday happens to be the only time my dad has to see Batman (we've always gone to see 1-2 movies together a year - it's just our father/son thing), so that's not a weekly thing. My gf also goes to church with us on Sundays and joins us for brunch. I'm trying to break away more. I guess I miss those old times where we could just sit around at the coffee shop for an hour every night and joke around, but I can't do that AND have a relationship. I've got to create my own path. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Well, based on what you've described, I don't think it's weird to stop by for dinner a night or 2 a week and meet your family for church and the brunch. I think that's nice. I think what is probably bothering your gf is your attitude towards it. You say " I guess I miss those old times where we could just sit around at the coffee shop for an hour every night and joke around..." and "They've both always told me that I need to have a life." So, it seems like you really miss & want to be with your parents every night, and even before you got a gf, your parents were encouraging you to have more of your own life. It's this extreme attachment to your parents that is probably bugging your gf. Before you met her did yo ever spend time with friends, or was it pretty much 100% family? Link to comment
Seymore Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 It was about 90% my family. Two of my close friends got married and had babies and I never really saw them again. My other close friend got a girlfriend in another state and so I didn't see him AS much. It was mostly my family. I think it's a combination of my attachment to my family and the fact that my gf has pretty much no family that's causing waves. She loves my family and my family loves her, but my gf said herself that when we get married and have a family, I won't be able to stop at their place probably more than once a week because we'll have our OWN family to create traditions and bonds with. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 well, family will be there forever by your side. anybody that can't accept you and your family situation needs to beat it. that's the way i see it. no girl i've ever dated questioned any family things i do. however, i do see the every thursday and sunday things to be a bit much. i can't do that. Link to comment
Seymore Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 I still make time for my family. Like movie night with my dad 1-2 times a year, coffee once a week, etc. I wouldn't accept it if she said "You can't see them at all", but I was wondering how much is too much/too little - since none of my friends really saw/had good relationships with ther parents. When my brother was with his gf, my folks would be lucky if they saw him more than twice a month. Now he's single, and where I used to be - hanging with them every night. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 i think once a week with all of them is okay. but if it's like, your sister mondays, your brother tuesdays, mom wednesdays, dad thursdays, i'd be a bit put off if a girl was like that. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 When my brother was with his gf, my folks would be lucky if they saw him more than twice a month. Now he's single, and where I used to be - hanging with them every night. LOL, do you think that might be why he's still single? Link to comment
Seymore Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 Well he went through the breakup 2 weeks ago. And yes, that's why I was single. Once I broke off a bit, I met a wonderful girl, who I'm with now. So I guess once/twice a week isn't too little. Link to comment
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