Rough stuff...

[Anonymous122]

I've been here a few times before, and I recently suffered a breakup with the same woman that I posted about previously.

 

It turned out that she has borderline personality disorder, and she was completely unwilling to seek help. Her mood swings got out of control, she began breaking things, and she got even more violent than usual. Eventually, my roommate got involved because he was sick of hearing her have fits all the time, and she agreed to get help... I took her to the hospital, and she told them that she was okay, so they sent her home, which was the exact opposite of the plan that we had come up with. She said that she would stay there for a few days and try to get some immediate help, but she changed her mind when we got there.

 

After that, I couldn't take it anymore, and I told her that she needed to go and stay with her parents. She broke down, and begged me not to send her away; she told me that she would do anything, and that she would go and get help right then and there... but I stood firm, and I sent her away.

 

She still continued to call me every day, and she begged me to take her back, she told me that she would go and get help, and that she would do it my way. Over a couple weeks span, she wore me down, and I told her that we could work on it, and if everything went well, she could move back in with me in two months; as long as she would get help. She agreed, and we had a relatively good conversation on the phone that night.

 

So, I went about my day the next day, and called her around 10pm, like I had promised to the night before. We spoke for a couple of minutes, then she told me all about this plan that she cooked up, where I move over an hour away from my college so that she could keep her recently re-aquired job. I told her that I really don't want to take that route, and I won't be angry with her if that's what she feels she has to do. Her response was that in doing that, she would lose me, and I told her that we all have to make decisions in our life, and we're responsible for each and every one that we make.

 

After I said that, she changed her tone and began to talk about moving back in with me, but she had the audacity to offer me an ultimatum. We were engaged before, and she wants me to marry her before she comes back and moves in with me. I was absolutely blown away by the fact that she would offer me an ultimatum, when her psychological problem tore our relationship apart, and she was the one who called me crying every night, and asking me to take her back. I told her that I was not going to marry her right now, because I wouldn't be comfortable with it, and she told me that I am selfish, and that I never do anything for her, when I had been supporting her due to her disorder for six months before I asked her to leave, and I offered to do so again while she got help.

 

I got really angry, and I asked her very politely to never contact me again. She called me roughly 60 times throughout the rest of the night, and I didn't pick my phone up for any of them. I guess i'm just looking for someone to either tell me that I overreacted, or that I am perfectly right in how I reacted. It's hard to end something that so much work was put into, but I have my own problems to deal with... i'm trying to finish my bachelors degree with high honors, I run a small business in my off time, and i'm trying to deal with some physical health issues. I'm not sure what to do.

[d24]

do what you've been doing wth the phone.

leave it.

and after a few days 60 will become 30, in weeks it'll become 10, until she finally gets the hint of NC, and she stops contacting you altogether....

 

.... if that's what you want?

[karvala]

The question about your reaction is in fact the same as the question about her disorder: do you want to wait while she gets help, compel her to get help, and stick around until she's better, if she gets better, or do you want to leave it and get on with your life without her? It's a genuine question, and I'm asking because you seem to flip between the different positions in response to her varying behaviour, which is understandable but which is actually contributing to her difficulty in handling the situation.

 

To be clear: as she has this rather clearcut form of BPD, she is scarcely able to control her behaviour towards you, so the marriage ultimatum was not really surprising. If you accept her BPD as responsible for her behaviour at present, then yes, your reaction was an overreaction, since you should really respond to her as one would to a young child who doesn't understand a situation: be firm, insist that she gets treatment still, and then basically ignore any other bad things she may do to you in the meantime.

 

That's a big ask of anyone though, and nobody would think the less of you if you've decided that this has reached it's limit, and you can't continue to overlook her bad behaviour towards you, and you would rather just get on with your life. In which case yes, ignore the phonecalls and any form of contact completely, and eventually it will go away.

[amipushy]

I have my own problems to deal with... i'm trying to finish my bachelors degree with high honors, I run a small business in my off time, and i'm trying to deal with some physical health issues. I'm not sure what to do.

 

 

I'm not trying to frighten you here but you should certainly run through every scenario you can think of, from her turning up on your doorstep to the suicidal telephone call from hell and prepare yourself for such an event just in case. Emotional blackmail is ugly and manipulation and threats should never should be given in to and I can see it coming like a black cloud in the distance from what I just read.

 

She is clearly unstable and had problems long before you came along. You are not her doctor, you are not her parent.You are a bright young man with a future, don't let her ruin it for you. Move on.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

She sounds very unstable and does need help, but as other posters say, you are not her parent and you don't have to sign up for this kind of problem with her, especially at her age.

 

It is best to stay in no contact with her, and let her parents deal with these problems. She might even need to be in some kind of inpatient treatment facility, and it is not your job to take care of her nor be her therapist. Don't let her bully her way into your life if you've decided that this relationship is not right for you.

[reovi]

I agree with everyone, your reaction was very mature and rational, I don't believe you overreacted-and I honestly feel you are better off without her.

 

However, let me play the devil's advocate here because I can't really tell if you really want her to go away, and I don't know for sure(since I'm not in your head)how much you love her and may privately want her to get well and come back... Would you take her back if she sought serious treatment? Or has too much damage been done in your eyes to ever restore the relationship? Keep in mind that even if she got treatment, that she would probably never be the same person she was initially when you wanted to marry her, and you may not love the new person as you did the pre-breakdown version...

 

Should you want to keep your foot in the door because you really love her and can't break that tie, then maybe working with her family to get her structured help would be better for you, as I think the real task is to do what is best for YOU and not think of her first(which is difficult because she is so sick and manipulative right now and she is playing on your compassion). Good luck!

[Anonymous122]

I really did love her, and I think that I still do, but the problem isn't as simple as having her get help. Her parents live way up north, in the middle of no where... as in, literally, there is not a single other house or facility within a 15 minute drive from their house on either side. The local town up there has no psychologists, and the hospital is about an hour and a half away. The only way that she's going to get help is if she comes back here, because I live in a major city, where the help that she needs is readily available.

 

I'm not really sure what I want. I love her, and I want her to come back... but the very thought of having to deal with her disorder should treatment fail, or in the meantime, makes my stomach turn.