eternalist Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I have been seeing an amazing girl for almost two years and for the past year she's been battling with self-esteem/body image problems. She is always putting herself down and abuses her body through exercise and diet. I get the feeling that she will never be able to accept my love for her and simply can't give any love back because of this image-driven addiction......so I am wondering if anyone has any insight on the old adage 'you can't love others(me) until you love yourself(her)' or if anyone has gone through something like this how it turned out????? Link to comment
isilv3r Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Absolutely you can. I was the same way with a girl that I was in a relationship for 5 years. A lot of women go through this when it comes to their appearance and body. We all want to have perfect bodies like the models on tv etc., She's the only one that can fix how she's feeling but I definitely do believe that she can still love you at the same time, as long as you are there to support her. At no time though should you ever lecture her, that will cause problems, as frustrating as it may seem for you. Find activities that involve exercise. Take her to restaurants that serve healthy meals. But do it descretely. Get involved with her to help her in a way that you are not telling her. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Well, it matters. She can love you but it can easily turn unhealthy. Does she fish for compliments? Build her confidence based on you? Seem needy and/or dependent on you? How does her insecurities affect your relationship with her? Is it hard to deal with sometimes? Link to comment
relm Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 It is really difficult. I dated someone who I really cared about but she never believed she was worth being loved. Eventually the relationship failed and she had the attitude of "I always knew it would fail" but I feel the only reason that happened was she never learned to believe she was worth being loved and cared about. Link to comment
Aschleigh Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 You can't love someone else until you love yourself. Imagine how much energy of your and hers goes to her "problem". Does she let it sink in that you love her body just the way it is? Or does she deflect any kind of compliment ? There is a book by Harville Hendrix called Receiving love. It deals with this. If she doesn't love her body, how does she let you love it? She thinks you are lying if you say she is perfect just the way you are. Do you want to be with someone who can't allow themselves to me loved? You cannot fix her. How much do you love yourself? Link to comment
ClementineK Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I don't think so. At least in my experience. And I 100% agree with debaser_wolf. It can turn unhealthly very quickly! My last relationship failed in part because my bf didn't love himself. I would complement him because I truly felt that way toward him and he would reject my complement. It was so frustrating because I could never pull him out of this slump. He always felt like he was ugly or not worthy, etc. I tried talking to him but it didn't help. He wasn't the talkative type anyways. I would try talking to her heart to heart. Tell her you support her but are worried about her and your relationship with her at the same time. Link to comment
jenuineangel Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 to be honest with you i dont think so...I dated some1 that had self-esteem issues. I think the person has to learn to love themselves first. this is what I learned from my ex- How can you make some1 else happy if you're not happy with yourself. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 well, with my last boyfriend. He worked on his jealousy and insecurity issues. However, he made progress and actually worked on it. I helped him work through it and it made us stronger. However, unless your gf is actively participating in bettering her self esteem and is showing progress, it won't work out. Link to comment
reovi Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 This is just my opinion, but I think it can work, because I feel a certain amount of obsessiveness can be healthy. Honestly, I do not know one person that loves and is completely happy with everything about themselves, thereforee I think that issue will always be present for everyone in varying degrees. Nor do I know one person who isn't slightly obsessive about something, whether it be money, their body, or even pushing blindly toward trying to be happy no matter what. I think that the same motivation to better yourself can help you be an independently functioning person. However, like debaser_wolf mentioned on the flip side, is your gal becoming more dependent on your affirmation of her? Or does your girl recognize little successes and advances in her image(without your compliments) that she views as positive changes? When she can only see her successes IF you reflect them to her, then she is probably not capable of loving herself as an individual enough to treat you fairly... Of course this is just my opinion...and though I have never had a perfect self-image and have always been hard on myself, I have had many happy, healthy relationships. Good luck! Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 If you be there for her and show her that you support her through thick and thin, it can work out. Sometimes people who don't love themselves or like themselves, look to see if others like them, as a litmus to see if they are worthy of love/admiration. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 You can love people who don't love themselves, but they are lousy at loving someone back. If you don't love yourself, the most important person in your life, how can you love others in a healthy manner? Oh, they can depend on you, need you, feel worthless without you, but they can't really love you. They don't know how to love anyone, really. Link to comment
eternalist Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 I appreciate all of the feedback..........and i would like to supply a little more info that might be helpful....first i would like to point out (to reovi especially) that this obsessiveness is not even close to healthy........saying "i'm fat" constantly....weight fluctuations of 30-35 lbs.... 900 calories a day at one point.....this is beyond healthy. She never fishes for compliments and in fact sarcastically thanks me for any compliment i may give her for appearances even though they are completely true....i love seeing her at a healthy weight and adore her for who she is.......i have been there patiently helping and giving unconditional support for the last year or more and i don't know if i can handle the emotional rollercoaster any longer.....but then i feel like i am failing at being there for her if i break it off for these reasons...her well-being still means so much to me. [Aschleigh] i may have to check out that book.... Link to comment
reovi Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Sorry I did not realize it was so bad that she had an eating disorder, it just seemed like she had body dysmorphia... And of course saying she is fat all the time with those kind of fluctuations in poundage are really bad-she's looking at diabetes or arrythmias if she doesn't level off. I honestly thought it was up or down 5 pounds... Maybe you can alert her family and you all can collectively convince her to get some therapy or go to an eating disorder support group. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Well, just make sure that you draw the line somewhere. Do not get married or have kids with a women who has such issues. Or else it may just get way worse. You can work through this but does she even realize how she acts? She must know she is insecure but have you told her that she replies to compliments in "sarcastic manners" or that her eating habits are out of control? Tell her how much this has affected you to not be able to compliment her or look at her without her being defensive and joyless. Bring this into a more open conversation. Link to comment
bijoux27 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Sometimes you can learn the meaning of love only after loving someone else, even before "loving" yourself...I've heard of countless advice which says "you can't love someone until you love yourself", but seriously we are not saints and to achieve the level of "perfect", righteous love, is very rare....people have all these rules and Hallmark, fairytale visions of love which puts too much pressure on a long-term relationship and pushes people away...I think we should all just treat each other right and make well-intentioned efforts...don't worry about "loving" them exactly as the advice articles say. Love is a vague definition which is dependent on the two individuals involved in each situation. Link to comment
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