How to handle a rude person

[jul-els]

Hello,

 

I have some very long time, very dear friends who I've known for about 16 yrs. who recently re-located back to my neighborhood after living quite a long ways away for the past few years.

 

At first I was really happy to know that they would be around again, and I was looking forward to the prospect of being able to spend time with them again on a regular basis. But the situation has presented itself with a couple of sticking points for me and I am looking for feedback on it.

 

The first problem is they drink a lot. This was par for the course back in the days when we were younger, but I have mellowed in that regard in the time that has ensued and while I am not a tee-totaler; I still appreciate an occasional drink or two; they still drink to excess on a pretty much daily basis. As much as I love them and enjoy there company, I really don't have much of an interest in that kind of lifestyle anymore and feel a need to keep a friendly distance from that kind of behavior/activity.

 

The second problem is they have become thick with another person who lives in our neighborhood who I really don't care for, but everytime I want to spend time with my friends he seems to be there. I have even invited my friends to my house and they have called this guy without my approval and invited him to come along which I really didn't/don't appreciate.

 

I don't like the guy because he is really deficient in his social skills and highly annoying and disrespectful. The cause for my growing disdain in this regard is due to him doing things such as slapping me on the ass, putting his hand on my waist or knee despite no indication of interest on my part. I mean, I don't mind that he's (apparently) gay, but I'm not and this guy seems to have no perception of personal boundaries. He has also asked me inappropriate and inane questions about my personal life.

 

Everytime he has been in my home-and it's always been without invitation-we had been drinking and on two of these occasions he has taken it upon himself to unlock the door to the back of my house before leaving. I go there the next day and find the locks have been turned. I guess he thinks it's cute. I think it's pedantic and disrespectful.

 

So I have reached the point where I have to do something about this and here are my options as I see them:

 

1.) Tell my friends he is not welcome in my home and not to bring him anymore. The problem with this is it could create unwanted tension and drama in the case that we should be in the same place at some future gathering and that's something I just don't need or have any interest in.

 

2.) Just kind of fade away and pretty much cut those guys out out of the picture, my friends included. This is not necessarily a bad option and is probably the best way to handle it, but it seems kind of sad that I should have to lose such long time friends over such a stupid problem. But, on the other hand, they do drink more than I care to and that would curtail my drinking by association, which is undoubtedly in my best interests.

 

So, I guess what I'm wondering is what's the best way to handle this? Is there any diplomatic middle ground? If so, I don't seem to be seeing it at the moment. Thanks in advance for any thoughts you may have. They are greatly appreciated.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

2.) Just kind of fade away and pretty much cut those guys out out of the picture, my friends included. This is not necessarily a bad option and is probably the best way to handle it, but it seems kind of sad that I should have to lose such long time friends over such a stupid problem. But, on the other hand, they do drink more than I care to and that would curtail my drinking by association, which is undoubtedly in my best interests.

 

If you're not willing to confront and this dude is a deal-breaker (and he certainly would be for me!), then you have no option but #2.

The drinking is a red flag and would explain why they tolerate this guy. He might just fade away on his own, once he p*sess THEM off.

[jul-els]

If you're not willing to confront and this dude is a deal-breaker (and he certainly would be for me!), then you have no option but #2.

The drinking is a red flag and would explain why they tolerate this guy. He might just fade away on his own, once he p*sess THEM off.

 

Maybe. I guess the problem I have with option #1 is I don't see how to undertake it tactfully. I mean if I tell my friends this guy's off limits, then what about when I go to thier house and he's there? Talk about being beyond akward. Yeah, I guess #2 is my remedy. That's too bad. Thanks, Smiling Turnip.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Maybe. I guess the problem I have with option #1 is I don't see how to undertake it tactfully. I mean if I tell my friends this guy's off limits, then what about when I go to thier house and he's there? Talk about being beyond akward. Yeah, I guess #2 is my remedy. That's too bad. Thanks, Smiling Turnip.

 

I think that you need to think this through some more. Why not just say, 'Hey you know that guy, so and so, well I know you really like him, but I'd appreciate it if when you came around, you came by yourselves. You're an adult and you have the right to decide and stipulate who can come over to your house. There may be tension later, but honestly, you can survive some tension. It'll fade if you handle it right; ie, ignore it.

[jul-els]

Yeah, I've been thinking about it and I think all the signs are telling me to just move on. I have the feeling that we really have grown apart. Maybe in time it will turn out differently but for now I feel it's best to keep my distance. Thanks again for the help, ST. Much appreciated.