Not sure how I feel anymore

[circi]

My ex and I lived together for about a year, split up in December. He said he loved me but wasn't in love with me. The breakup was coming for a long time but when it finally happened it hit me really hard and I chased him for awhile. He started seeing someone else in January and moved in with her in March though I did not find this out until May. The thing is, he won't break the ties with me and still has some furniture and things here. I've gone NC for as much as 2 weeks at a time but always break down and either answer his calls or send him a benign text, which always results in him calling me.

 

I'm pretty sure he does NOT have feelings for more anymore, but he will say things that make me wonder what is going through his head. Example, last week telling me he intends to be in my life and a pain in my ass until I'm 60. He has told me several times recently that he let outside influences effect our relationship and regrets it. He's also told me in the last few days that he thinks things would have been different.

 

When he came over last week to give me some money for my Grandmother's piano that he's buying, I felt nothing. Yet my heart still flutters when I see his phone number on my phone.

 

I'n not sure how I feel anymore, I think I miss the idea of him more than I miss him - but why won't he go away? He's LIVING with someone for God's sakes!

[Excalibur]

HE won't go away - because you allow him the option of your attention - which is egotistically gratifying to him.

 

It's more like why should he go away, not why won't he.

[circi]

He should go away because we are done, finito, and he is in love with someone else! Staying in my life serves no purpose whatsoever that I can see and I can't figure out his motivation for doing so.

[Excalibur]

He's in love with someone else - but he likes your "attention" - and as long as you're willing to give him attention - he's got what he came to get.

 

While staying in your vicinity isn't something you can see the value in - he does, because he gets off in some way on you thinking "i can't make him go away, I'm being victmized by his presense".

 

Does it really matter if he goes away? I mean...the only business it appears you have is the paying out of the piano - can you get a collector to handle that?

[circi]

There's more business than that. He's got furniture here still that he hasn't came to get despite my asking him to repeatedly.

 

I dunno, sometimes I suspect we'll always have a connection to each other. I have to admit whenever I'm feeling down (which I am right now or I wouldn't be posting) he has a sixth sense about it and calls me. Sometimes it makes me feel better, sometimes it makes me feel worse because when I'm really upset about something I have to admit I just want him to come here and hold me.

[Excalibur]

Here's the thing - you've got the furniture you want gone - but he doesn't care about.

 

There's a better way to go about this - it appears that you think until that furniture is gone, the piano is paid out, that all the business of this relationship is over - the lingering on means you can't move on. That's you sitting in a chair voluntarily - but not roped into it restrictively.

 

To him, the furniture you have that was "ours" - means nothing, he doesn't care about having it, or not having it - he hasn't had it so far and it's caused him no grief to be without it........and if you're willing to hold onto it ad finitum should he ever want it, he figures you have the benefit of it until that time should it ever come - no harm, no foul.

 

The piano - he's paying out - that's important apparently to own...and so he's making sure it happens.

 

And he quite likely makes overtures when you're 'not down" and you don't perceive them as you do when you are down - and you've freely admitted what you want is him to hold you and tell you 'everything will be okay".

 

It's alot of projection on your part. He doesn't care about the furniture he hasn't retrieved, he'll continue to pay regularly on the piano he cares about, and he'll have some contact with you because the majority of the time he does - the message you send with your body languge, tone of voice, or conversation is "I wish I had my old life back, the one I had with you"...that's an ego boost.

 

He's not someone you should adire in terms of character, if he's having contact with you in any way beyond business, while being in a cohabitational and committed relationship with someone else. He's disrespecting her and himself and you - by using your attention and desire for him as an ego boost and thrill ride. That's not something one respects in another person's character.

[circi]

You're right on all counts, I know you are. He calls me every few days. If I answer, he'll call back several times that same day. If I don't, he'll wait a few days and try again. It just happens that I tend to answer when I'm feeling down hoping he'll "make it all better". He never calls to talk about "business".

 

I just can't make myself believe that he is calling for an ego boost, but I can't think of any other explanation either. I'm so disgusted with myself right now, I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face for missing him - or missing having someone here. I still can't decide which it is.

[Excalibur]

You weren't in a relationship with him out of respect, admiration, trust, and acceeptance of his character or intelligence or integrity. You were in a relationship out of fear of being with no identity and security in having no "relationship" in your life.

 

You were always in a relationship on his terms, for his needs...which is why it was so easy to end the relationship, and so easy to utilize the ego boost.

[circi]

To say what I was in the relationship or the reasons for it is pretty presumptious on your part and I resent that. You don't have the knowledge to make such a statement and it is indeed an incorrect statement.

[Ellie2006]

He's LIVING with someone for God's sakes!

 

In my humble opinion, I think you need to keep repeating the above to yourself, every time he makes contact and says/does something sappy like "he intends to be in my life and a pain in my ass until I'm 60." Seriously, who says something like that, even in jest, to an ex who is hurting from the break-up?

 

I agree with Excalibur that to a certain extent, he is NOT going away because you're allowing him to stay. And why would he willingly leave when he knows he can get an "ego-boost" from each contact, which confirms that you still have feelings for him, albeit minute? Plus he is saying what he knows you want to hear and doing what he knows you'd have wanted him to do in order to relieve whatever guilt he may feel.

 

The attention may feel nice now but in the long run, I dont think it'll really be helpful for you.

 

He wont go away voluntarily. You gotta cut him loose.

 

The fact of the matter is, after a year-long relationship, he started seeing someone new a month after your break-up and started living with this person, three months after your breakup.

 

Take care of the furniture business -- dont let the furniture become an excuse for either of you to contact one another. Take care of the piano business -- maybe he can make direct/monthly deposits into your account so that you dont have to deal with him directly.

 

Again, he is living with someone else and has been for the past half-year. It wont be easy but cut him loose.

[renaissancewoman101]

I know this may sound mean, but don't you ever look at it this way, at least you have a little bit of him, rather than NOTHING of him. I guess I'm of the camp, hey something is better than nothing.

 

I dunno.