Curious

[ClementineK]

So... I've been out as being bisexual for about two years now. However, I've had some really rotten luck with women. I think it might be just the college click group of lesbians/bi girls around me but I'm not sure. I've received overwhelming hostility from straight up lesbians (no pun intended ) they don't like the fact that I like men as well. Which I find to be really odd... but anywhoo.. I was wondering from maybe a more seasoned woman than me if she had experienced similar things or if it was just maybe my bad luck or the area I'm in type of thing?

 

I would really like to go to our local gay bar 'cause I've never been. However, I am afraid that I might receive the same reaction... I would really like to have more experiences with women but I intimadate them or they just plain don't like me... I dunno what it is. I'm also really afraid 'cause even though I say I'm bi... I have never slept with a women... and if it ever happened I'm not sure what I'd do... I've heard other girls say it comes naturally.

 

So what's the word? What's up with this hate? Any advice?

[watergirl]

It's typical in the GLBT community: bi's are not usually well-received. They are considered to be "sitting on the fence" or "unable to make a decision" or even "unable to commit".

 

I'm not going to give you my personal opinion on the bi issue other than to say you're very young, so of course go to the local gay bar. There are many other bi women out there who will definitely date you and also many lesbians. If they give you the same reaction, you don't want them as friends anyway, right? You just need to continue to be upfront with who you are. Just be yourself. At that age, none of them know who they are as people, anyway (even if they say they're gay, straight, whatever) so take their criticism with a grain of salt.

 

It's true that it does "come naturally" when you are with a woman--I mean you're a woman, aren't you? Anyway, just do what you like, the 1st time you are with a woman. It does help to find someone more experienced, that way you can figure it all out or talk to her about it, at least. You may figure out that you're not bi, after all (either way).

[2nd Best]

watergirl could not have said better.

 

Just be yourself and continue to be honest with people. Good Luck!

[isilv3r]

Exactly. Women that know that there true preference is to be with a woman with the rest of their "life" are scared of bi-sexual women for the fact that it's too risky. I mean, it's just as easy to fall in love with one, it's not the person....but 8/10 times, we get our heart broken because a bi wants the best of both worlds. I would advise if you are going out, don't look for anything serious...just go out, be yourself and have fun. In the end, it's not the gender, a woman can give just as much as a man, even more, it's the person you will fall in love with.

[ClementineK]

I have heard horror stories of people who are bi and have a gf and a bf at the same time! Nothing wrong with it... it's that person's own business but it seems like SO much for a person to take on. I can barely handle one person at a time. I certainly don't want "the best of both world" if that's what you are referring to, isilv3r.

 

I attract a lot of men. And typically no women. Sometimes I just sit and ponder the possibilities and wonder if I am missing out on something truly amazing. I see women I know are out and whom I like but I don't know how to approach them. I'm socially retarded when it comes to that. It's like I'm back in 1st grade and I just shut up and smile and maybe pinch them and scamper away.

 

And watergirl you are so right. No one my age knows who they are. Or what they want for that matter. One moment it's this then it's that. And I can't help but think to myself... at least I'm not that confused. I also think a lot of young people get involved in the GLBT community because it is "cool" to them. It's not about who they are really but about how many people they can shock. At least that is my observation for kids around my campus.

 

I'm a very flexible, easy-going person. I've always thought this was a great quote about sexuality: "Labels? Okay, fine. I'm bisensual. Heteroflexible. And life-curious. That about covers it." -Morgan Torva

 

Thanks everyone for your advice!!!

[isilv3r]

I have heard horror stories of people who are bi and have a gf and a bf at the same time! Nothing wrong with it... it's that person's own business but it seems like SO much for a person to take on. I can barely handle one person at a time. I certainly don't want "the best of both world" if that's what you are referring to, isilv3r.

 

Hey, I didn't mean at all to offend you by anything I said, I apologize if it did. It wasn't directed at you, I was just speaking upon from my own experience. I realize everyone is different and can only find what they really want by trying it out. I wish you luck in finding who you are and what you want with life.

 

Ps. The reason I said "best of both worlds" is because I am currently going through an extremely difficult break up where that is exactly what she wanted.

[watergirl]

Exactly. Women that know that there true preference is to be with a woman with the rest of their "life" are scared of bi-sexual women for the fact that it's too risky. I mean, it's just as easy to fall in love with one, it's not the person....but 8/10 times, we get our heart broken because a bi wants the best of both worlds. I would advise if you are going out, don't look for anything serious...just go out, be yourself and have fun. In the end, it's not the gender, a woman can give just as much as a man, even more, it's the person you will fall in love with.

 

I should add that dating a bisexual woman does NOT mean that she's going to break your heart or that she'll always want a man; many bi's opt for women in the end. Sometimes people identify as "bi" as a way to ease into being gay, many are just bi. It's hard for me to explain the whole of it without giving my opinion on bisexuality, but just know that you can have a successful monogamous relationship with a bi woman; the outcome depends on the woman herself and not whether she identifies as "bi" or not.

[watergirl]

Truthfully, a lot of people in general, young or not, get involved in the community becuase it's "cool" or because they think they're getting away with something. If you want to break yourself out of that mold, read a book like "Stone Butch Blues" or "Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers" or anything about Mathew Shepard. Youth today don't know about the history and the trailblazers, even those of my generation (I'm only 15 years older than you are) and they don't understand what it took others to allow them to do something just because it's "cool". Many youth say they're bi just so they can feel legitimate--which is another reason to take their criticisms with a grain of salt.

[ClementineK]

Hey, I didn't mean at all to offend you by anything I said, I apologize if it did. It wasn't directed at you, I was just speaking upon from my own experience. I realize everyone is different and can only find what they really want by trying it out. I wish you luck in finding who you are and what you want with life.

 

Ps. The reason I said "best of both worlds" is because I am currently going through an extremely difficult break up where that is exactly what she wanted.

 

aww no you didn't offend me! I was just making it clear that I'm not like that! haha... Good luck with your situation! I hope it gets better...

 

watergirl, I do know some of the history... but I'm no scholar on it. I will defintely check out those books. Thanks for 'em! And thanks again for all your help everyone!

[chiefoptimizer]

I've always thought this was a great quote about sexuality: "Labels? Okay, fine. I'm bisensual. Heteroflexible. And life-curious. That about covers it." -Morgan Torva

 

Thanks everyone for your advice!!!

 

i love this one!

[soconfused101]

Clementine, I'm just curious. You say you have rotten luck with women. Do you mean you have a hard time getting people to go out with you because you're bi? I wasn't sure if you had other reasons or if that was it. Have you tried meeting people online? I know it's not the best thing to do, but there seem to be a lot of bi girls on the free dating sites.

 

I know I'm a little guilty of not trusting bi girls as much, but it's because of a bad personal experience. If other people are at all like me, all it takes is you showing you really are happy being with just one sex at a time and the fact that you're bi doesn't matter anymore. I always try to keep in mind that not all bi girls are like my ex, and I bet a lot of lesbians feel the same

[ClementineK]

Well... I think I scare women off. I've been told I am "too weird" or "too nice". Ugh... I've gotten a lot of negative feedback from the whole being bi thing, as mentioned. Generally speaking... I haven't gotten along with a lot of the girls I have met. I think I'm too "tom boyish" in nature (not in appearance). Some girls like the whole tom boy look but they don't act like one. I'm "one of the guys" I guess you could say. I'm really girly on the outside but I don't mind crude jokes and getting dirty. I find it hilarious when these butch looking girls act like, well,... girls... hahaha. I dunno... most of my interactions have been awkward and not well receieved. I assumed that I have a different sense of humor or out look on life than the rest of the gay girl group around these parts.

 

The only "girl" I really ever "dated" was bi and she left me for two other men. She actually jerked me around for a couple of months and when she finally asked me out she promptly ignored me for several months... we made up but she still wouldn't speak to me. Then after that she became transgender. Um... it's confusing to think about. I don't hate her/him. I think s/he just doens't know what s/he wants and unfortunately I was in the middle of it all.

 

Most girls I met after that just wanted a fling or a trick or whatever you call it. But I actually want to meet a nice girl who isn't out of her mind, who is down to earth, and laid back, and wants to fall in love! *sigh* lol. I have not tried meeting people online because I really don't feel it's safe... I DID check it out once... but didn't make an account. I found my ex girl/boyfriend on it by accident and decided that I didn't want to try it.

 

I quit going to our GLBT group on campus because my ex was so involved with it. I think s/he still talks smack about me to this day. 'Cause all the new girls on campus just give me awful looks. Some of them wised up to it, though. Lesbian drama is quite tire-some. And I nay exaggerate. It all seriously went down as I described. I pulled myself out of the scene and sometimes I would hear about the silly childishness and I would lol to myself. HOPEFULLY, this is just a college campus thing. At least I tell myself this. I have no earthly clue how you find bi or lesbian girls in the real world though... a bar, I guess? But it seems like this would only attract a certain type of person... but I could be stereotyping... 'cause I have never been.

 

Thanks soconfused101 for your helpful and kind words. I will totally keep them in mind!

[lukeb]

I think you're making too much of the whole sexuality thing, I think you should try to make it less of an issue. I think just as long as you come accross as gayfriendly most girls, guys arent really going to care too much one way or another. Perhaps then some girls will be able to see that there is much more to you than your sexuality.

 

Just a thought

[ClementineK]

I think you're making too much of the whole sexuality thing, I think you should try to make it less of an issue. I think just as long as you come accross as gayfriendly most girls, guys arent really going to care too much one way or another. Perhaps then some girls will be able to see that there is much more to you than your sexuality.

 

Just a thought

 

I think it has to do with where I live/go to school. It's a very conservative, small town. You have to keep stuff like that to yourself unless you like confrontation. And people do talk. It's a small town... it's what people do. And it's usually freshmen girls or overly fundamental Christian girls that I somehow become acquaintances with that flip out on me. They move away or drop out. But like I said I just don't like confrontation. It's chill with me to keep it on th DL. So I don't think I'm making an issue out of it. I'm just tellin' it how it is. I do have some girl friends but not a lot. Hahaha. I have so many more guy friends.

[whathappensnext]

i have been told by a few lesbians that the reason they wont be with me is b/c im not gay..this is the way i look at my sexuality its just like im open to the posibilities i've fallenfor both a male and a female so i cant say im straight or that im a lesbian.so im caught in the middle.i realized i cant control who i fall for so why fight it whatever happens happens.the way i see it if a guy or girl wont be with me b/c im bi then it b/c they are insecure.so screw them