the answers arent here

[fairytalefox]

so ive spent all this time on this site and other sites, looking for advice. trying to figure out whats going on. when i realized that no matter, whether its what i want to hear or not, i dont feel better. maybe its just me, and maybe it helps others.

 

but the thing is, every relationship and every person is different. so maybe in one persons relationship it worked out a certain way. whos to say thats how it works out everytime?

 

im not saying that all the advice here is subjective, i have read some amazing things that has opened my eyes.

 

one being that, before you can love someone else, you have to first love yourself. i told myself once, i can never be happy unless i have him... but why? why cant i be happy with just myself. and i truly want to work on this.

 

also, for those of you waiting for someone else to come around. i was thinking to myself, would i do this to my ex? would i be so selfish to hurt him like this. and my answer is NO. because i would never hurt someone i love the way i have been. i would never wish this pain on anyone. and if he truly loved me, he wouldnt be doing it either. and i deserve someone whos going to love me back the same as i love them. as do all of you.

 

the healing begins now. i wish you all the best.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Yes, you are right in saying that everyone is different.

 

However, trends and patterns in behaviour are there and sometimes people just can't see what is wrong with their relationship while everyone else notices it right away.

 

Don't come here to be told what to do. Come here with an open mind and think through the multiple points of view and suggestions that people can offer you here. That is what this site is for. It's better than only having your own point of view and going in blind.

 

I'm glad you have decided to begin to be independent from your ex. Please keep us updated and stay strong.

[livefree]

The answers to your problems are always found within yourself--but often it's necessary to get a little help to find that answer

[opiate92]

honestly I don't think "loving yourself" is something that requires another person to NOT be there. There is this notion that we all have to go off to Alaska or something and "find ourselves" before we can find someone else. I don't buy it. You should be comfortable with yourself in a relationship or out - that means it doesn't matter if you're in or out. If you have personal problems to work on, you can work on them by yourself or with a partner, it shouldn't matter which as it is your struggle.

 

Now, being comfortable with yourself is different (to me) than being comfortable with being "alone." Human beings long to connect with other human beings and friendship only goes so far. I think it is strange this modern notion that it is some sort of mental disability if you don't like being alone. Please, can't we just admit that even if we are happy with ourselves, our jobs, our lives.. we still WANT someone to love and be loved by.

 

Nobody would ever say "I could do without having parents that loved me and I'd be fine"... so why do we pretend that we should be happy not having romantic love too. We all just want to be loved, c'mon.

 

Now, yes, some time alone for introspection is always good - but in the long term (years and years of living) most of us want to share it with another person. Why is that a crime to admit?... I don't think I'm weak to say I like being in a (healthy) relationship, I'm just honest with my own feelings.

[SpeedingCars]

I think most people come here for comfort.

 

It's always nice to share your story and get insight from people who DON'T know you or anything about the situation.

[Cognitive_Canine]

The idea isn't to be alone, it's going against the need to be together with someone. I may want to be with someone sometime soon, but I certainly don't need it.

 

Some people have some deep eternal issues that ad many problems to their relationships and make having a relationship very toxic for both partners.

 

In the general sense of being with issues, of course you can work through them. Everyone has some sort of hangup but usually they aren't that big of a deal. However, there are people out there who actually do hate themselves. It's nearly impossible to find nor expect someone to put up with a partner that can't give you love because they don't find themselves worthy. It's so taxing after a while.