I'm talking to him again...i'm stuck

[May85]

Hi,

 

For those of you who read and replied to my previous post, i got sucked in again. For those who don't know, here is my first post on the subject: link removed

 

What happened was that i did what i said i was going to do and broke it off with him. It was SO horrible b/c i missed him but i knew i was going to get over it eventually. After a few weeks, i was out with my friends and i got the feeling that maybe i'm being too uptight about hooking up with him (not actual sex) and i noticed that i'm just so afraid of everything and i'm tired of being that way. I AM ready to do so, but the only thing is that i want him to know that i want a committed relationship first. I just don't want to get hurt.

 

When we talked, he said that he doesn't want to force the issue and that i can do whatever i feel comfortable doing. He also said that he continued to talk to me after i told him in the beginning that i wanted to take things slowly b/c he really likes me, whereas some other guys his age would have taken off and left at the first sign hesitation. This makes me believe that he's serious about me.

 

I'm also stuck b/c of society. Many people feel that it's ok to hook up or have sex with someone after X amount of dates, or a month, etc. This is definitely not me, but we've been together almost three months now and maybe i am being difficult. I just don't know how to feel b/c i still have the fear that he only wants sex b/c i'm paranoid. I hear about that a lot and i don't want to be one of those people who gets left behind after they open their heart.

 

This would probably help me decide: is there anything i can look for in terms of behavior or attitude on his part that would help me tell if he's only after one thing? And also the opposite, is there anything that he would do or say that would let me know he's serious?? I just don't know what to look for, i'm stuck in the middle. Please help

 

Thanks

May85

[MrKawabata]

Well, just as long as he is communicating with you he will feel happy with that because he knows that he is "in the game". If sex is his only motive, you have "raised the stakes", so if he "gets you", then all the more for his own ego and would probably dump you afterward if sex is all he wants.

 

If he is serious about you, why doesn't he offer to marry you?

[May85]

We've only been dating for three months, so marriage isn't really an option at this point. Neither is sex. So he's going to have to wait it out. If he can't deal with waiting then that's his problem, but i really can't bring myself to think badly of him and i don't know why. Usually i'm very level-headed and aware of negative people, but i've just lost all of my common sense. Does anyone think i'm making too much of a big deal about the sexual aspects of this? Am i being too much of a virgin?

[MrKawabata]

No, I don't think you're making a big deal at all. It is good to be cautious and he has to earn your trust. And you are right, he has to be patient. You don't want to give your heart to just anybody, either. All the best!

[May85]

So do you think it's ok if i continue to date him and see how it goes before i decide to just be friends with him?? To see if he'll wait, if i feel comfortable enough with him etc? He's actually going to sign up for a class i'm in so we could see each other more often since he works all the time. Do you think it's ok to continue to see where it goes?

[MrKawabata]

I think it sounds plausible to find out more about one another, yes. I think your "gut instinct" will tell you whether you are comfortable with him or not. Hey, I wish you well in whatever you decide!

[May85]

Thank you for your help! It's just sad that i'm always so knowledgeable when it comes to advising another, but when it comes to myself, i know NOTHING. How are things on your side of the fence?? Great, i hope! Keep in touch

 

May85