JOYl Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 hi all, so ive been seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, all was going good, at 6 months we had a talk and i stated my needs, he thought about it and told me he wanted to commit etc. things were going great until 3 weeks ago, then i felt him distancing, i distanced as well as it brought back bad memories, there was 4 days of no news from hima nd i sent him a msg so he asked if i would like to see him tomorrow, so i said that would be nice , then he comes and says that he does not think we are in love, that he does not think that i love him! we have never said the words...but we were getting there or so i thought. is it over? what should i do ? he contacted me yesterday and i replied. perhaps we are both a bit scared of the next step. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 i know when i was younger i was scared of falling for someone. i guess i did distance myself a bit from the 'love' area of a relationship. i eventually got passed it. maybe he just needs a bit of space to miss you that much more to help him passed this hump. Link to comment
JOYl Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 hes 38.. should i just leave it be for now? Link to comment
JOYl Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 thanks Ghost, how did you distance yourself out of curiosity? work? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 i would just act like i wasn't into the girl. almost like i was lying to myself. but i got passed it. i now know how to take care of those feelings. i can be a bit standoffish still, but i'm more open now. maybe he is a late bloomer with these emotions. Link to comment
JOYl Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 yeap sounds like him.Like sometimes getting into fights over nothing. Our communication was quite good though. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 If he's 38 without kids - what makes you think he wants them now? Link to comment
JOYl Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 because he told me he did, and he was mentioning how much he would like a little girl like me, or a boy.hes been around kids alot recently and loves them. 3 weeks ago he was talking about it again. maybe he got a bit freaked out. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 Um.....you don't get it. It's a nice idea to have kids to bounce on the knee - but whenever he thinks about what it means in terms of obligation/sacrifice - it's not quite as nice an idea. That's why he's 38 and without kids. What in his life says he's ready for kids - is his career on track, is his financial situation stable, has he already purchased a house, has a good line of credit, has he pursued many adventures as a single person so he won't feel slightly by the obligation of partnership and parenthood? Link to comment
JOYl Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 Yes his career is on track, he has a stable job, there was some stress there recently but its ok now. finanical status is good and he is saving. he has purchased a place, yes he has lived away for 10 years ,had lots of adventures and came back here 3 years ago, he loves his family and wants to be close to them. so he did seem like he was ready for commitment! Link to comment
JOYl Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 why do you think its so weird to be 38 without kids? i mean lots of men and women these days are having kids later in life. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 So if he's got such a great life - why would he be wantin to share that with someone he barely knows for 9 months? He mights eaisly be ready for commitment and babies, but he does have to decide if you're as stable, mature, secure, focused, driven, successful, and of the same values and priorities that he is - in order to make it work. I think you two had the "we're dating to find a life partner, not dating for distraction and fun" conversation - and you took it to mean he was into YOU, rather than a general conversation. Link to comment
JOYl Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 why not?, im quite great myself! i am stable , mature, own 2 places, successful, secure, fun,a great job. Link to comment
JOYl Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 > maybe the time has arrived to have those babies you desperately think he should have by now;-) Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 is it possible you jumped the gun and could be pressuring him subconsciously? Link to comment
Excalibur Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 I personally don't believe anybody should have babies until they're ready - they can always adopt if medical science indicates they've waited beyond the physical optimal timeframe. Link to comment
JOYl Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 nope i didnt mention it since we had the conversation about what my goals were at 6 months. he brought it up a few times then with certain comments such as how hes so happy with me etc and talking marriage. when we had the conversation a few days ago he told me that he married a woman who he loved and he did not know if he could marry a woman who he was not sure if he loved. i think it takes more time to know if you love someone however, he was not sure if i loved him.....we are still learning about each other and i wanted to be sure i was in love. Link to comment
JOYl Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 so i think he was already ahead focussing on the marriage stage and i was back in uncertatinty since he had been stressed recently and i was thinking if this is the kind of guy i would like for the future father of my kids. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 any reason you are in such a rush? it sounds like you want to speed it up. Link to comment
JOYl Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 nope im not in a rush at all, i told him we had still alot to learn about each other, i have been a step behind in fact. he has been the one doing all the talking since 6 months. Should i just give him space? i dont see the point talking right now if he is unsure. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 sounds like it only is talking though. no actions from him. Link to comment
JOYl Posted September 11, 2008 Author Share Posted September 11, 2008 here is an update, so he continued to contact me , asked me out and gave me a kiss and a hug. Had dinner and then i brought up what had happened, He said he is probably holding onto a dream of love he had from before (from when he was a teenager!) and he said he has no idea what love is. I told him i have no intention of just being friends.He said ok. next week he sent me a txt , i replied asking if this was him trying to be friends, no reply. He called 2 days ago , left msg to say he was thinking of me, and he sent a txt last night at midnight. Any insight?! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 not too aggressive on his side. and a text at midnight? hmmm.... Link to comment
JOYl Posted September 11, 2008 Author Share Posted September 11, 2008 true, not very aggressive at all, Will i just ignore all contact? im a bit confused! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 he's indecisive. why haven't you moved on from this guy? Link to comment
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