rosy2000 Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 Hello, my name is Rosy. I just found this forum while i was looking for ways to get help on what to do. It has been a few moths that I've been noticing my husband different and suspicious so a few days ago i decided to dig into it. Surely after a few hours on the computer i was able to find an email account that i got access to and what i found tore me apart. It was as if my heart want it to come out of my chest. I found all these love e-mails from a girl... with broken English but understandable., it was mostly her e-mails with an occasional reply from my husband, never saying i love you however. so i decided to wait for him and confront him, of course with proof on hand and he admitted he had a short affair but no sex, of course i don't believe that. Anyways, he explained to me why it happened, and he said that she is not what he needs, what he needs and wants is me. He also said he ended the affair. However, they work in the same company, which means they see each other more often than we do as a couple. what do i do to make sure that they are not together? how do i trust him again? We have a son together and i really love him and want to make this work but i won't play his game. I want to live with him only if he loves me back otherwise i just go live my life somewhere else. He has to be able to commit. Thank you Link to comment
Jetta Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 I think you should try marriage counseling first. You don't believe he's told you the whole truth, thereforee healing can't begin. I don't think you should let it go yet, or maybe never. You obviously love him, indecresions can happen and happen only once, not sure if that's his case or not. Therapy will get to why he cheated in the first place and maybe resolve some issues your family is holding. Good luck. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 He can say whatever he wants, but the bottom line is he has to SHOW you. If this were just a boyfriend you had been with for a while and weren't marrried to and didn't have a child with, I'd tell you to leave him. But I understand if you want to try to work things out first, being that you're married and have a child. First off, he needs to find a new job where he does not have any contact with this woman. Bottom line. You will not be able to heal and move on if he is still in constant contact with this woman. He needs to find a new job and that's all there it to it. That part is non-negotiable. It's going to take a while to earn the trust back, if he's even able to earn it back. Which basically means, IMO, he's not really entitled to much privacy. You need counseling. You need to work out whatever issues you have in your marriage so this doesn't happen again. And another thing.... HE needs to be the one putting in a TREMENDOUS amount of effort. He screwed up, and if he really loves you and values your marriage, he won't mind kissing a** for a while and doing whatever it takes to make this work and ease your mind of the possibility of any future infidelity. Link to comment
Samedy Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 How big is your husbands company? Could he request a transfer to a different location? At many large coorperations, when two employees get involved in relationships they will split them apart within the company. While this isn't exactly the same, the argument to do so would be... He would have to tell the company why he wants to transfer, just a simple transfer. Marriage counsilling would also be a good idea for the both of you. Link to comment
Whiskers Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 Anyways, he explained to me why it happened, and he said that she is not what he needs, what he needs and wants is me This is merely a "I got caught, what can I say that she'll listen to?" line. I am sure millions of people have heard it. You could consider couples therapy, you're going to have trust issues and he's obviously got reasons deep down as to why he strayed. Be careful though, they rarely ever change and you deserve so much better. You deserve to love and be loved back in equal measure. XXXX Link to comment
rosy2000 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 It is a small company, there is really not much he/i can do. The only thing i can think is to ask him to get her fired or get her another job...she is a line operator and he is the director of ops. what do you think? Link to comment
chasey Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 This is all very well put!! He absolutely has to cut off all contact with this other woman. He has to show you and prove to you that the is sorry and that he wants to be with you and work on your relationship and to regain the trust that has been lost. Link to comment
Samedy Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 If he did that, he could easily get sued for wrongful dismissal. Link to comment
a_lifters_life Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 I am now just coming to grips with my ex. He cheated, I forgave, he cheated again, I forgave...then Sat night, he got caught in lies again...after i took him back....no more. I thought he had changed. He convinced me of it, then made a mockery of all that I had done. Get out now, while you can. Or give him a try, but I'll warn you, you'll never trust him like you did before and you'll always be wondering what he's been up to. a cheater ONCE is a cheater FOREVER Link to comment
rosy2000 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 just adding to my posting...i would like to know what he would be looking for. I am 5'5" 120lb, good looking, fit, good cook, and an excellent lover, and a great mom. isn't that what a guy wants? or am i missing something?.....sorry i am very upset.....any comments? Link to comment
25thfloor Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 a cheater ONCE is a cheater FOREVER no, some people grow up, become mature and stop cheating. and then, some never do. it depends if you've changed your life after you were a cheater. Link to comment
a_lifters_life Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 no, some people grow up, become mature and stop cheating. and then, some never do. it depends if you've changed your life after you were a cheater. Right, but this relates similiar to crime too ... a criminal is a criminal and can get better ... but most often doesn't . I believe the same with a cheater Link to comment
25thfloor Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 just adding to my posting...i would like to know what he would be looking for. I am 5'5" 120lb, good looking, fit, good cook, and an excellent lover, and a great mom. isn't that what a guy wants? or am i missing something?.....sorry i am very upset.....any comments? Rosy, you're falling into the cheater's trap. see what you're doing? you're questioning yourself. A mature adult has an obligation to let you know that are stepping outside of the relationship. they have the right to feel that you're not a good match, or they are no longer interested, but they do not have the right to step out. he has taken your choices away. Link to comment
25thfloor Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 i could understand how you feel about that. just keep in mind, that at 19 you seen a limited amount of the world and human behavior. i say this because i was selfish when i was younger and cheated all through my 20. horrible behavior. but never again after 30 i stopped being self centered and selfish. i have met folks that can never be trusted because they do nothing to help themselves get better. you can't change what you don't acknowledge. Link to comment
rosy2000 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 I understand being self centered but he is almost 50 and this is his second marriage, i am also a lot younger than him. We talk all the time, we seemed to have good understanding of things and whenever i ask him how he thinks we are doing he says great..so what am i supposed to think. Link to comment
25thfloor Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 I understand being self centered but he is almost 50 and this is his second marriage, i am also a lot younger than him. We talk all the time, we seemed to have good understanding of things and whenever i ask him how he thinks we are doing he says great..so what am i supposed to think.. doesn't sound like he learned anything from his first marriage. he sounds very immature. always watch a man's actions...never his words. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 I really don't know what to advise you seeing as I am in the same boat. Cheating husband,a little daughter at home. I sometimes think,if he chooses to end the affair,we could move on with our marriage.But on another note.How would I ever trust him? I just know that it would eat me up on the inside. Maybe a counselor for the two of you?He clearly regrets it,maybe there is hope? Link to comment
Samedy Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 just adding to my posting...i would like to know what he would be looking for. I am 5'5" 120lb, good looking, fit, good cook, and an excellent lover, and a great mom. isn't that what a guy wants? or am i missing something?.....sorry i am very upset.....any comments? Without meeting him, there are an infinite number of reasons for this behaviour. It could be a distraction from the rest of his life. Some people turn to drugs, some people turn to video games, others turn to adultery. Some people seek out chaos, they enjoy the thrill of hitting the edge of self-destruction. This is his second marriage. Do you know why his first marriage ended? Link to comment
chasey Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 Maybe she created a distration for him from other problems he was having, maybe problems at work and he got caught in the easiness (for lack of better word) of the distraction. Link to comment
rosy2000 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 according to him it ended because she did not want to help him with a business he had + boredom, she doesn't like to have friends over etc..but to keep it short she left to the north east and expected him to follow and obviously he didn't. It is funny you mentioned distraction because that is exactly what he said. He said that it was a very frustrating time for him when she came along-not because of us but work etc.. but he swears he didn't have sex with her, that he realized his mistake on time....you tell me. I want to believe him but it's hard. Link to comment
chasey Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 If he's willing to make that effort to regain that trust. To cut off contact with her. Those are two very important things. From there only you can know if you can stay with him and get past this. And only time will tell if it will work. Link to comment
rosy2000 Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 Well yesterday i talked to him again, i typed a letter for him and asked him to give it to her as a proof to me. It was very formal and civilized, basically said to please don't look for him anymore because he doesn't want to hurt me, his wife and of course apologies for "hurting" her. But when i told my husband that he said that because of work she might get even madder than she already is and leave him without a job, something that we can not afford to lose. After that i told him to reassure me that i am the one he wants to be with, cause i don't want to lose my time with a worthless person. i asked him for proof but because contacting her about it is out of the question, he said that i am going to have to trust him. I also asked him not to answer her calls, i took her out of his cell, in short to avoid her. He said that i have nothing to worry about, again he made a mistake. I want to believe him, i really do but how am i supposed to cope with the fact that they work together. Can a man be that evil if all he'd said were lies? Link to comment
bluerose231 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I am by no means passing judgment because i'm in a very similar situation but one of his comments bothers me. It seems like he is making excuses to NOT end things with her. By saying "I dont want to lose my job and make her mad" is crap! And then to turn around and say "You'll just have to trust me" is also crap. If he really wants to reassure you that it's over then he needs to follow your requests and give her the letter telling her that it's OVER. Which is more important to him-losing his job or losing you? Edited to add that I dont mean to come accross as harsh. I just get steamed because my husband tried to give me the same excuses at first as to why he couldn't just cut her out of his life. He would say things like "Well she's a good photographer and what if we need her help again?" He would even say things like he was too embarrassed to tell her that he couldn't talk to her anymore and that he didn't want to come accross as weak or that his wife "wore the pants". My response was "Get over it and tell her it's OVER" Link to comment
so374 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Rosy, I was in your shoes just few months ago I know exactly what you are going through, my advice to you is: 1) stop talking to him about the subject for a while and believe me I knowe how hard it is but it's for your best, just to give your self a time to digest what's going on, because you get anything for now from his mouth except lies. 2) try not to expose every card you have, do not tell him all what you find right away because that's how you give him chances to lay more. 3)tell him that you trust what he says; try to visit him at work, go have lunch with him. try to see the girl talk to her and tell her about your son as if you don't know anything about their relationship. my husband affair was for a year ...,life will never be the same for you, it hurts alot to know that the person you love and share your life with is a cheater, I am with him so my kids can grow up with a father but I can't trust him again or put my self on the same position. he killed all the love I carried for him. I think about what he did to me every second in my life and I feel so mad at him and at my self at the mistakes I did by confronting him as soon as I found a text message from him to her becareful , be patient and good luck. Link to comment
rosy2000 Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 I agree with that he should quit his job, however finding a job at his level is very hard and if he were to risk having that person getting him fired, we are not in a position where we can keep the two homes-- we only have his income. If i could make what he makes, i would if banned him from working. And the other thing he said about "having to trust him" is probably what he wants, not precisely what he is going to get. I am just going to go along with flow and try to fix our relationship, cause i don't want my son to suffer. we'll see what happens....thank you for replying. Link to comment
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