CoCo2009 Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 With me this weekend and it was fun, he stayed and cooked for me. We even have plans to go to the movies tomorrow. I asked him what we were doing because he is treating me like this girlfriend again and he says he thinks things are going really good with us and he loves it he just wants to continue to take it one day at a time and see how things go with us. I told him I wasn't going to be doing this and waiting around forever and he says he knows and for me not to worry. He knows what I want. He says he like to miss me and have his space to think. I told him this isn't good because he is single and not obligated and he can fool around with other girls and he told me he doesn't want to do that and he isn't going to do that. Well I don't know what to think and I'm scared. Things are going really well but since we don't have that title I feel like I'm hanging on a thread.We have been "dating" for about 1 month so its like we never really broke up. He keeps telling me he loves me and this but .....its weird What do you think? Here is last weeks post.. A little backstory My ex broke up with me after 5 years on June 5 because I was very insecure and I didn't trust him for no reason. He just could take it anymore me snooping through his things and stuff like that. I always accused him of cheating even though he wasn't and I am working on my insecurities and stuff. I also wouldn't let him go out with friends without getting upset. Basically I was just a mess... Link to comment
Girl79 Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 I know it sucks, but you need to continue to show him that you are improving and working on letting go of your insecurities. You need to keep showing him that you are not going to go back to your old ways when or if you two get back together as bf/gf. It's obvious he is in love with you. He doesn't want to let you go, but he doesn't want to get back into a relationship with you if you are going to go back to your old ways of being jealous/insecure. I think he wants to make sure you aren't going to go back to being how you were before, before you get back together. Show him this! Show him that you love him and that you won't do anything to screw it up. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 I know it sucks, but you need to continue to show him that you are improving and working on letting go of your insecurities. You need to keep showing him that you are not going to go back to your old ways when or if you two get back together as bf/gf. It's obvious he is in love with you. He doesn't want to let you go, but he doesn't want to get back into a relationship with you if you are going to go back to your old ways of being jealous/insecure. I think he wants to make sure you aren't going to go back to being how you were before, before you get back together. Show him this! Show him that you love him and that you won't do anything to screw it up. I was thinking this same thing too. Like he is testing me out and seeing if I act a fool. I have said ALOT of times that I would change and I never did. I always went back to my old ways of nagging and * * * * * ing and stuff so I feel like he is being very cautious but damn how cautious is he going to be? Link to comment
suzie q Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 hey there. i agree with girl79. honestly, this is great, isn't it? you are both taking your time to work on your problems individually so you can be stronger as a couple. i'd say don't push it with the title because afterall, it is just a title. trust him when he says he doesn't want anyone else, that's what you've been working on--prove it to him. this isn't a bad situation, just take it day by day. i, for one, am jealous of your reconciliation . Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 thanks guys, I feel kinda bad for bringing it up and sometimes when I drink around him my mouth starts pouring out all these emotions and he just holds me. ARGH! I need to get stronger. Link to comment
GoldenHillGuy Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 I'm gonna be harsh with you a bit............ I've read your story. I don't think you've made the changes to make it work long term. Look at you already freaking about him seeing other women when he's already told you he's not interested in that. Now think about why he's 'taking it slow'. He wants to see if you've changed enough to make it work. You're back 1 month, and you've already started with the insecure stuff. This is why people advocate NC, and using it to work on yourself. But since you're already back with him. YOU MUST REALIZE WHY HE LEFT YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE. And work on it. Let it go...........you know he doesn't want to see anyone else. He's with you. Leave your insecurities at the door or you'll be right back where you started. Just my lowly opinion. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 I'm gonna be harsh with you a bit............ I've read your story. I don't think you've made the changes to make it work long term. Look at you already freaking about him seeing other women when he's already told you he's not interested in that. Now think about why he's 'taking it slow'. He wants to see if you've changed enough to make it work. You're back 1 month, and you've already started with the insecure stuff. This is why people advocate NC, and using it to work on yourself. But since you're already back with him. YOU MUST REALIZE WHY HE LEFT YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE. And work on it. Let it go...........you know he doesn't want to see anyone else. He's with you. Leave your insecurities at the door or you'll be right back where you started. Just my lowly opinion. NO thats not harsh its the truth and I know you are right. I just want him to give me a little faith and I'm scared because I have trust issues. I have done Light contact. I let him contact me and stuff....he calls me and I know I shouldnt take it for granted because he could just say "forget her". I just need to get more confidence. It comes and goes with me. One day I feel great about us talking and then the next day I'm slapped with all these insecurities and that he isn't technically with me and then overanalyzing everything I said to him and how it could be taken the wrong way...I wonder about all the bad things that could happen. I have a worrying problem (anxiety) so its really hard. Link to comment
blueeyedme Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 He is with you and continues to be because he make a choice to be with you. If he wants to be with someone else, he will make that choice. Your attitude should be great - because he CHOSE YOU. If for some reason he chooses someone else then screw him - he will miss out on the best thing in his life. When that's how you truly feel, he won't be going anywhere. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 He is with you and continues to be because he make a choice to be with you. If he wants to be with someone else, he will make that choice. Your attitude should be great - because he CHOSE YOU. If for some reason he chooses someone else then screw him - he will miss out on the best thing in his life. When that's how you truly feel, he won't be going anywhere. I wish I really felt like that like truly. Sometimes I do feel like that and then some days I feel like crap Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 why do I feel so miserable? Yesterday my ex was at my apartment when I left to go to work because he didn't have to work and he slept in... When I got home after work I knew he would be gone but when I walked in the door I started to cry really hard. Am I not ready for this? Am I too weak? Link to comment
HangingInThere Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Maybe its just me, but why should you have to be in limbo till he decides? Why does the ball have to be in his court? Why can't it be about what you want as well?! I hate stories like this, I mean really, is he doing you a favor by perhaps stringing you along? You both can still be a couple and work on the rela, its like you are on warranty like some kind of merchandise and if he is not satisfy then he would return you! Ugh! I wouldn't settle for that! You both love each other, yu know each other, have been in a rela for years, so why must it be a no title relationship - its like he wants the benefits of a relationship but feels like you don't deserve that title...-n case someone else comes along he can always be with them because he doesn't have any real committment with you, except for playing house! Put your foot down, your needs/wants are just as important as his! P.s. If you feel like you need to work on you, then go into NC and do that, bt don't settle for being in a 'noncommittal' relationship and play test dummy! Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 well its because I pushed him away. I nagged, accused him of cheating, yelled at him. He was trying to do whatever he could to please me but my depression, insecurities, and anxiety just took over. He was going to break up with before but I told him I would change and stop snooping through his stuff, and complaining about nothing but I lied and just kept doing all the same stuff. He broke up with me and then I threw him out and called the police on him to get revenge and move out because I wanted him out and didn't give him a change to find a place to stay. He says he misses me and wants to see how things go and I feel that he needs time to get over all the crap. Maybe he does....maybe he doesn't I don't know. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 oh and my biggest thing is trusting someone so I am trying to trust that he says he doesn't want to see other people. I never trust I never been able to trust him in five years. Its not him , I have issues with trust but I care about him alot Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 You think I'm doing the wrong thing? Link to comment
nicole1236 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Sweetie, It sounds like you could really benefit from therapy. I've had trust issues because my first boyfriend cheated on me multiple times and it definitely affected my relationship with my current ex. It wasn't good. He is the most trust-worthy guy ever but because of my own insecurities my relationship had a lot of strain and I know it hurt him a lot that I didn't trust him. It was even harder to trust because he's in a band.. but I realize now if a guy has good morals and own self-worth they DON'T cheat. A man who cheats is a man who is insecure and needs to feed his own ego. Anyway, I started going to therapy for the past 2 months and it has helped me so much realize why I'm insecure and things I can do to over-come it and love myself. You have to love yourself, sweetie. You have to know that if someone cheats on you it's NOT because of you, it's because of their own problems and theres nothing you can do about it. Therapy is wonderful for exploring things in your subconscious that you didn't even know about. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 Yeah I was supposed to go to therapy so many times but I always make up excuses. Right now the excuse is I'm too embarrassed and I don't have money. I really don't have money right now though Link to comment
HangingInThere Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 You think I'm doing the wrong thing? My opinion is just that, my opinion, but I feel you both are going about it wrong. Apparently your insecurities has nothing to do with him, so you probably need to work on your 'issues' on your own and then think about pursuing that relationship with him or other. In turn, he needs to stop playing house with you and making the excuse(s) that he needs to see more before he commits or give you The Title. Well really you are allowing him to play this game with you, so the ball should really be in your court - work on yourself fully and then you two should try to be together. Right now he is reaping all the benefits of a girlfriend without really having you as that girlfriend, so why should he change?! Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 well all he's gotta change is his mind about me smothering him to death and questioning him about his every move, which hasn't really changed all that much because I asked him for like the 3 rd time if he wanted to see other people and he got mad that I STILL am asking him that after he told me he wasn't psh I don't know whatever. I don't know Link to comment
nicole1236 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Yeah I was supposed to go to therapy so many times but I always make up excuses. Right now the excuse is I'm too embarrassed and I don't have money. I really don't have money right now though You should NEVER be embarrassed about going to therapy. I think everyone can benefit from it, honestly. I know that some insurances cover it too, you could look into that? When I told my ex I was going he was so happy and so loving and supportive about it, I'm sure your ex would be supportive about it too.. but it's really not about them, it's about YOU. I can bet you don't feel good feeling like this. I'm sure you'd love to not have to worry or over-analyze of feel scared. Maybe you could even read self-help books? There are so many out there that can help. If you feel bad feeling like this, there are a lot of things you can do to change it. I feel for you. I've been there. Having my first boyfriend cheat on me so many times was scarring, but I have to learn not every man is the same and there are good people out there. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 I let all my previous bfs walk all over me and then when I found a really great loving and loyal guy I treated him like crap. I really did I abused him for a long time. I used to go crazy on him physically and yell at him and call him fat and all this stuff. All the while I knew inside I was just scared and pushing him away. I need therapy so bad but its not happeing. I have bought books and everything and they just sit there. I have insurance and its cost 20.00 per session but right now I can't afford it. Maybe in a month or so I can. I feel so scared and sad I miss him so much. I want to feel better. Link to comment
nicole1236 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 I let all my previous bfs walk all over me and then when I found a really great loving and loyal guy I treated him like crap. I really did I abused him for a long time. I used to go crazy on him physically and yell at him and call him fat and all this stuff. All the while I knew inside I was just scared and pushing him away. I need therapy so bad but its not happeing. I have bought books and everything and they just sit there. I have insurance and its cost 20.00 per session but right now I can't afford it. Maybe in a month or so I can. I feel so scared and sad I miss him so much. I want to feel better. I wish I could make you feel better. I just really know where you're coming from with the insecurity issue. I never lashed out at my ex, but I kept stuff pent up and he knew that I wasn't happy even though I SHOULD have been happy, it was just me driving myself crazy in my own head. It can get better and it will get better.. the first step is understanding that you have something you want to change. At least you've done that! Some people go through life thinking they're perfect. I can give you some recommendations on books that have really helped me just feel at peace with myself and I always noticed a difference after I read them. I don't know if you're spiritual at all but if you want a list let me know and I'll write it up. I can feel your pain and your desperation and I really wish I could help in some way. At least you know that you're not alone, some people have been there. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 Thats how I feel too like I am driving myself crazy and I am losing good things in mylife. I would love to have that list if you don't mind. Should I cut contact with my ex> I need help and advice. I love him and he is showing me he loves me but he won't get right back together right away and deep down I understand why because I told him over and over again that I would get help and I would change but I never did Link to comment
nicole1236 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Thats how I feel too like I am driving myself crazy and I am losing good things in mylife. I would love to have that list if you don't mind. Should I cut contact with my ex> I need help and advice. I love him and he is showing me he loves me but he won't get right back together right away and deep down I understand why because I told him over and over again that I would get help and I would change but I never did I think you only know the answer to that question. Do you feel good being with your ex? Do you feel more sad than happy? Can you be okay with how it is for awhile until he is comfortable to give it a title? If not, then maybe you could benefit from cutting contact. It doesn't have to be forever, maybe just enough time to start getting yourself on the path to feeling better. I think he's showing you a lot of love and a lot of support, but if you feel like you can't get better WITH him being there then maybe you can get better with him gone? I did NC for a month and then contacted my ex, it helped me calm down about the situation but I knew I didn't want to do NC forever. Honestly, no break-up is the same and NC or LC or whatever isn't for everybody. You have to do what feels right for YOUR situation. I'll send you a PM and give you a list of good books. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 Thanks, right now I'm confused about cutting all ties. Maybe I need a little more time to see how things go. We broke up last month and we are already seeing eachother again. maybe I will give it a little more time and see what happens maybe 2 weeks or so. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Share Posted July 22, 2008 I might have an anxiety attack we are supposed to go to the movies tonight and I just want to beg him back but I won't I just want to so bad Link to comment
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