Love and its long-term effects

[summermisery]

To put it shortly, I cannot choose between these two men and the life paths that will go with them.

 

The first, we will call him G, we met about 6 years ago. Since then his family had taken him to a very rough part of the world to live for a while. Before G left, we admitted we loved each other. I promised I would give him a chance if he ever got back to America. He got back and had waited all those 3 years for me. The thing G and I have in common is ambition. We share the same plans for our future. We are very much the same in our personalities, but seeing "too much too young" affected us differently. I became very compassionate and I like to give, give, give. He still has to mature before he can open his heart again. It bothers me that he can only think of the wellbeing of himself and I, no one else. G is sometimes what I would call my soulmate.

 

The second, I will call him T. I met T three years ago. He was in a similar dark place in his life and we bonded. We dated for 2 years. I really felt in my heart at one point that I loved T. He caused me equal amounts of happiness and pain. I don't know if it would have worked out but T was my best friend in the entire world. He could have offered me stability but he was not ambitious or confident in himself. We share compassion and sympathy for others in our personality. T was always submissive toward me, frustratingly so. It bothers me that T said he would do everything to get me back but I have hardly heard from him. When I can talk to him, he doesn't speak his mind. But I still love T in my heart, even just as a friend.

 

I broke up with T recently, thinking I should really give G a chance. But they are both so important to me. I know it sounds silly, but T and I raised two kittens together and I promised myself I would never abandon them. I feel like I am abandoning them anyway, to live the free lifestyle I always dreamed of with G... It also hurts me to know that I have hurt T so much.

 

I have one month before I officially move in with G two states away. Either way I cannot stay in my current home, but it seems scary to be alone at such a turbulent time.

 

I am in pain, do I stay with T and abandon my dreams, or go with G and abandon my first love?

[vwright]

But dont you love G? Wasn't G actually your first love? Go for your dreams, go with the person you have a bigger connection with, someone you can grow with (not the person who is going to hold you back form your dreams).

 

and in your post it seems as though you are meant to be with G over T, what seems to have you in confusion is guilt for hurting T.

[summermisery]

I don't know how to get over this guilt. It seems like nothing can remedy the way I hurt T.

[DN]

I think that if you are torn between two lovers you should choose neither one because whichever you choose the feelings you have for the other will impact the relationship too much.

 

Basically, IMO, if you love two people it means that you love neither one enough.

[vwright]

what did you do to hurt T?

[vwright]

look....i hurt someone badly in the past and it took me awhile to get over that fact that i put him through so much pain, but i figured out that the only thing i could do was to let him be, move on from him and let him move on from me. we aren't friends anymore, and i don't talk to him, but i ask about him often and what helps me to feel better is learning that he is finding happiness. T will eventually find happiness, and for you--you can't go back in time, all you can do is make sure not to make the same mistake again-- "a wise man never fails in the same spot"

[richmonder80]

I think you are in love with the figment of being with G...in your mental mind you have this "romantic" picture of how life is going to be with G but the thing is he will only bring you pain. You and G have a fantasy like relationship...a love that flamed early then the circumstances of being away and apart made the idea of the "grandois of Love" occur...like you pointed out soul mate. I think you are in love with the idea of the soulmate and living happily ever together.

 

T sounds like a good man who loves you for who you are. Because he is so giving and submissive to you, it makes it too easy for you to run over him and you fill guilty about that and largely that is why you broke up with him, becuase in the back of your mind you know he will take you back if you came back.

 

My feeling is that if you stay with T, you will break his heart again. If you go with G, he will break your heart. You have to be content with T in order to see a future with him

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think that if you are torn between two lovers you should choose neither one because whichever you choose the feelings you have for the other will impact the relationship too much.

 

Basically, IMO, if you love two people it means that you love neither one enough.

 

 

I agree with DN. When you truly love someone, there is no wavering...no doubt....no pieces missing in your heart that someone else is filling. I think you need lots of time to be alone away from both G and T so you can really figure out which person, if either, is right for you. It sounds like you are simply bouncing from one to the other in order to not be alone.

[vwright]

exactly...dont settle with someone because you dont want to be alone. you have to be comfortable with who you are, comfortable within your own skin before you can give to another person, the person you love, exactly what they deserve

[-Ophelia-]

I'm not a fan of making a decision like this one... But I can tell you that, if G really waited for you those whole three years then he must really truly love you, probably more than you love him because you got involved with T.

 

This doesn't make you a bad person at all. I'm just pointing out that maybe G really loves you. Whereas you love his company, his friendship and love him as a person. But you don't regard him as that one special person in your life. You know what I mean?

 

Do you think you REALLY love him? I mean do you feel that kind of passion towards him? Or is he just a sweet guy you made memoreis with.

 

As for T, from the way you describe him and your relationship, it seems as if it wasn't a pleasant part of your life. And I agree with the others, you have a lot of guilt towards T and I often have similar feelings (I hate those). Don't let the guilt change the direction of your life.

 

Good luck!!