mom of 6

[mom of 6]

I am stuck. I have to endure my pain and depression. I have 6 children to be here for. I so want out. I really have nothing worth my being here except my children....I will NOT leave them here for their abusive father to have. Its bad enough they have to spend time with him. He still does his best to tear me down verbally and I have no recourse. I am broke...I have so much work to do...and I am so lonely. I look 6 years older than I am (44) and no man will ever want me. I can't drink as it makes me violently sick...and I won't do drugs (never have)....and I need something to keep me going every day. I know it should be my children...but this depression is growing deeper and the desire to get rid of me is getting too strong. It is affecting my work...my attitude...I am fighting it...but not very well. I am SO tired...so drained...so empty. I wasn't meant to do all of this alone. The soon-to-be ex has leukemia and my lawyer told me not to divorce him...but wait for him to die!!! Nice, huh? You'd think having a deadly disease like leukemia would wake a person up and help them see they are wasting their life...and just hurting those around them...but no...it has made him more cruel!

I know this is a long post...and I apologize if I'm rambling...but could somebody hear me? Its hard doing this ALL alone.

PS: I would NEVER hurt them...they are safe with me...I just don't know what to do with this encroaching depression. No one wants to listen. I am taking anti-depressants. They aren't working anymore. I walk daily with the kids....used to swim and lift weights...but don't have the energy anymore. I'm trying...and I would NEVER hurt them...or "take" them with me. Thats cowardly.

[melrich]

Well I am glad to hear you are not thinking of doing anything drastic and you understand how much your kids need you.

 

It sounds like you are going through a lot and could really do with some local support. Are there any community groups around you that might be able to provide that? The hardest step is often admitting you need help. Once that is taken you may be surprised at how many people are willing to help and ease your burden.

 

I'd strongly suggest you look/ask around your community and see what is available.

 

You have posted here at a very quiet time. I have made sure your post will stay at the top of the page for 24 hours, you will find lots of support here and interest in your story. Please revisit tomorrow and I am sure many will have responded.

[ButterflyWrists]

I hear ya hun. Take a deep breath and breath. Are you, or can you get therapy? What do YOU want to do, devorce the abusive husband, or become a widow? Your children need you happy. Would a different place to live make you feel better? a new place a fresh start, new friends, no one knows you, you can make yourself up? I know thats running away, but sometimes its for the better. Yes the problems would still be there, but not so much as continuing.

 

Try and get therapy.

[arwen]

Hey mom of 6,

 

I am very sorry for the pain you are in and the difficulty of this situation. I am in fact happy to hear that you can't drink and don't do drugs (keep in mind also that antidepressants really don't go together with booze)- these wouldn't help you in any way and would just add to the unhappiness.

 

You mention being on antidepressants. Clearly, they cannot solve your issues, but in my experience they can certainly help in creating a healthy amount of distance between a person and their situation. I wonder if you are on the ones that are right for you. There are about 30 kinds of antidepressants, in my experience it can take some trying out to find the one that is good for you and the correct dosage. Also, since you are on prescription medicine, it must be the case that at least one doctor knows about the situation, right?

 

My advise is to 1. see the doctor to discuss your dosage/kind of meds 2. ask for counseling and 3. try to find a talk-group for partners of a terminally ill person.

 

I say the latter because no matter how you feel and what the status of the relationship would be if it wasn't for the leukemia, he is the father of your children. If he were to die, there will be a lot of things to take care of (financially, but also emotionally).

 

You came to a good place. I hope you will find the listening ears that you need here.

 

Arwen

[mom of 6]

Thank you Melrich. I am in touch with a local community support group for the abuse...but the depression seems to come with the territory..and there are so many people worse off. Also...don't want anyone climbing down my throat because I'm not trying hard enough...does that make sense?

 

 

Gem Healer..That sounds wonderful! I would so love to take off and start over! Can't take my kids away from their Grandpa as it would kill him...and I can't leave the state(which is what I WANT to do) with the kids due to the ex...and my house is in the midst of an addition I have to finish...(the ex and I were doing it together when he kicked our 7 yr. old daughter for the last time...and the house won't sell until I finish the construction)..but I dream of taking off...and reinventing myself...but I am STUCK...and thats where my soul dies...

 

 

Arwen...The support group for the leukemia might be good...but I feel so full of nothing for the man...not even pity...it would be hard to be with people who are in pain because of the disease...does that make sense? As for my medication...I think it is time to change...as menopause is rearing its ugly head...and don't doubt that I am being hormonally challenged as well. Need to do something about that. Thanks.

Thank you all for taking the time to write. Its hard to complain...but it really is getting beyond my control emotionally.

[Angel_baby]

Mom of 6,

 

Your post reached out to me. I to live with an abusive husband that I am unable to leave due to my health problems. I have a 2 year old son.

 

Sometimes I feel the same as you are feeling now. That the only thing that keeps me afloat is my child. This IS what you have to hold on to right now! Every time you think of suicide... PUSH it away with the thoughts of your children.

 

You will be happy again. You will. Your lawyer is only thinking of the fact that it will be easier to not go through a divorce... but you need to do what YOU feel like you should. If you want to leave now.... leave.

 

I know how hard it is to love a person that abuses you. How you hate their guts but still can't flip off that switch of love. I live in severe chronic pain everyday and also get beat down.

 

You said the anti-depressants aren't working anymore? Talk to your doctor to get either a higher dose or a different kind.

Having 6 kids is a handful! So I am sure you get stressed out and overwhelmed to the max. I only have one and get that way. If you can I would consider counseling to help you learn how to handle stress and depression.

 

Remember, you may feel all alone but you have your beautiful children. You also have others on here that understand what you are going through.

 

One of the best distractions when you are feeling at your lowest is being able to come on this site and be able to talk to others that care and understand. We are here for you *hugs*

[crzylilangel00]

hey

 

So i hafta say that I understand some of what you are going through, tho I only have two kids, i am rasing them on my own with pretty much no help from n e buddy, their dads arent in th picture.

The youngest's dad died last august in a shooting, and the other guy he is a jerk just to start off with.

 

I have been where you are many many times, and i have actually created a plan and attempted to follow thru with it but i couldnt finish for the same reason you cant. my kids stopped me.

 

i know it must be alot harder to have 6 kids, but take each day as it comes, another step closer , i find that sumtimes if i dont have n e buddy to talk to about this stuff i write it down in like a journal kind of thing its not as good as getting feedback but at least it is out there and you have vented.

Well I hope that things get better and if you ever need an ear there are plenty of people around here who will listen or read in this case

[Angel_baby]

That sounds wonderful! I would so love to take off and start over! Can't take my kids away from their Grandpa as it would kill him...and I can't leave the state(which is what I WANT to do) with the kids due to the ex...and my house is in the midst of an addition I have to finish...(the ex and I were doing it together when he kicked our 7 yr. old daughter for the last time...and the house won't sell until I finish the construction)..but I dream of taking off...and reinventing myself...but I am STUCK...and thats where my soul dies...

 

I know how hard this is to open up to someone but maybe if you told a bit about what is going on the grandfather would understand. You could always plan visits to grandpa.

 

You are not stuck. You just "feel" stuck. You can get out of this, sometimes it takes giving things up... like finishing your house.

 

If you can't leave the state due to legal matters... move to a town that is far away. Start fresh!

 

You need to think about YOU and your children. About what you want for you and them and the actions it takes to get to that point. Start now.

 

You can do anything you set your mind to. Find the way and you can.

 

 

 

I refuse to say I am stuck in my marriage. Sometimes I do feel it but I know that one day I can get out. I have my plans on how to, just have to wait for the right moment.

[Yates33]

Hey. It's sad to hear you feel this way, just know that there are people who care for you and need you in their life, and your kids are the main ones. Don't listen to your lawyer, it sounds like he's thinking from a legal perspective...this is your life, if you're not happy, leave him. You said you use to lift weights and run before, depression would make you lose interest and energy in your previous activities...don't let it...force yourself to go exercise. Once your actually doing it you won't be tired and it will help so much.

 

It will only take you so far though, seek further professional help and remember you're never alone. I really wish you the best of luck and everytime you think about doing drastic...just think that many many people have it worst and are actually happy....also think of your childrens faces.

[Yates33]

Angelbaby....please take your own advice. Hearing that you live in depression and get beat down everyday made me really angry and sad for you. LEAVE...BE A WOMAN...BE A PERSON AND LEAVE!!!

[Daddy Bear]

I look 6 years older than I am (44) and no man will ever want me.

 

Oh, pshaw. Sporting a few lines of honor on the face (which occurs in both sexes, don't forget) hardly makes one a leper. Hang in there and watch what happens once you're able and ready to turn on the "Vacancy" sign.

 

Chin up, mom of 6. You're making the right decisions in a difficult situation and you deserve much respect for that.

 

Hugs,

Daddy Bear (father of 5)

 

Aside to mods: I think it laudable that a thread like this was stickied. I hope that I'm witnessing the beginning of a trend.

[ButterflyWrists]

Gem Healer..That sounds wonderful! I would so love to take off and start over! Can't take my kids away from their Grandpa as it would kill him...and I can't leave the state(which is what I WANT to do) with the kids due to the ex...and my house is in the midst of an addition I have to finish...(the ex and I were doing it together when he kicked our 7 yr. old daughter for the last time...and the house won't sell until I finish the construction)..but I dream of taking off...and reinventing myself...but I am STUCK...and thats where my soul dies...

 

Where are you all staying at the moment. Can you move in with your child(rens?) grandpa for the short term, and when your ex does die, which is a very cynical thing to say, you and grandpa move out to a different state.

is there anyway you can prove the abuse the father inflicted on the children, and i imagine on yourself? so you can speed the process up?

[Angel_baby]

Angelbaby....please take your own advice. Hearing that you live in depression and get beat down everyday made me really angry and sad for you. LEAVE...BE A WOMAN...BE A PERSON AND LEAVE!!!

 

I plan on it. Due to my health reasons I have to wait. I give the advice I give because I know I will leave to. I have already been able to mentally be ready to leave. Thanks for your concern. *hugs*

 

 

 

Mom of 6, I know it is one of the hardest decisions to make. Your heart feels torn. But you know what? You can be happy again. You will find all those broken pieces of your heart and feel like YOU again.

[Rising]

Mom of 6,

 

I can't imagine what you are going through but I do want you to know that there are quite a few people that are wishing you the best and hoping and praying for you.

 

The only advice I can give, and this is coming from someone who has suffered from fairly severe bouts of depression, is that you try and find something/anything to put your heart into. If it's your children then wonderful, but if they can't be that one thing then find something that makes you smile, or gives you a sense of hope. If you can find more than one thing then even better. Taking on all the pressures you have at once can leave you feeling overwhelmed and under equipped to deal with it all. Putting your mental and emotional energy into something small and rewarding can be a sort of release and can allow you a temporary escape from your pain.

 

For me its always been the night. It doesn't always work when you are overstressed and dead tired... but I've found that just taking 15-20 minutes to go outside and sit in the night can be so therapeutic. The silence and cool darkness is soothing and having a chance to be alone when the world is asleep just feels damn good. You'll have to find your own small happy time but when you do I think it just might help.

 

Best of luck. Keep us updated and don't be afraid to reach out if you need support.

 

-Rising

[shyguy1]

Your kids need you and it's good that you say that you won't do anything drastic.

 

I can't relate to the having kids thing and I can't relate to the abuse, but having battled depression most of my life... I know how draining it can be.

 

It pains me to see people going through depression, much like it pains me to see women being abused.. doesn't matter if it's verbal... physical.. or a combination of the two.

 

There's simply no reason for it and while I'm truly sorry for the leukemia he is going through (my mother died from cancer, so I can relate to that as well) it's my sincere hope that he's able to realize that he's been hurtful and make amends for it before it's too late.

 

Please hang in there, as mentioned by others this is a great support site and we are all more than happy to help in any way we can.

 

Also Angel_Baby:

 

To get to you briefly... please....please....please don't put up with an abusive relationship.

 

Nothing makes me madder than a guy who chooses to beat on a woman.

 

I wish you well also and hope that you realize that you are better than that and don't deserve to be 'beat down'

 

Here's an open invitation to both mom of six and angel_baby

 

If either one of you ever want to talk, I'll be more than happy to listen.

[Jeen]

You are torn in two worlds at this stage, as I am writing this post it is impossible to know all the facts and it is what is making it even more difficult to respond to your cry for help. First maybe things you already know, when someone has to deal with dieing "your husband" There is always a period of anger involved, some stay in it till the day they die for it is and was the only way in his life he understood to deal with everything. He seem to have been a person that was dominating his whole life this will make him also a very angry person for he know or he think he now what is good for his family and with him dieing it will make it worse. The doctor who is treating him should have or did tell you there are counseling that is there for family to try and help you through this and how to handle his abuse. Sometimes if it is this bad they will even prescribe medication to help him stay calm, never telling him what it really is for but assisting you and your family to deal with him and his out bursts.

 

The amount of problems and worries you have has increased dramatically over the last few months, it is normal to feel the way you are feeling at this stage. Don't beat yourself up for asking help there is no person on earth that can handle what you are going through alone. You will have to ask a support group in your area to help you with this, you will need to speak to your doctor and be honest when you tell him how you feel.

 

You need to make time in your busy life to take some "me time" to look after yourself. You will feel you don't have a answer, take time to make a decisions it may not always be the best ones, but who is perfect, try to be there for your children and you need to do something to let you smile everyday even if it is just for a minute or two.

[Cadence_oO]

I am so sorry you're going through this...

 

I can't imagine it and I don't know if my post will be of any help.

 

Don't talk about your life like it's over....believe it or not,you are still a young woman.

You deserve a fresh start!

 

Why don't you talk with your dad? Explain the situation,maybe he can even move with you guys?

Although I don't know how much time your ex has before he dies.

But if you start processing and working on the idea of moving and starting over,it will be easier for you.The whole thing will keep you going...

Also,you obviously need someone to talk to.

 

Can you squeeze in therapy in any way?

Or some 'you' time?

I know it's hard when you have 6 children but if there is any chance I would advise you to think about it.

 

Stay strong.I am a mother,I know how a child can keep you going even in the toughest times...

 

*hugs*

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Sometimes in life you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take tiny baby steps, especially when you are going thru really hard times. So don't be so hard on yourself, and just recognize that it is OK to just get thru this bad time, anyway you can.

 

Don't spend a lot of time worrying about the future, because right now you have more than enough to deal with in the present. Do everything you need to do for YOU right now, including going to the doctor to get a change of anti-depressants, calling a women's center to look for support.

 

And you have a false impression that your life is over. In fact, the majority of women actually get a BOOST of energy and mental health in the second half of their life after menopause.

 

You should also have the doctor evaluate you for hormonal issues right now. The fluctuations of hormones during peri-menopause can cause symptoms that feel like post-partum depressions, so perhaps you need some different medication besides just anti-depressents now.

 

Remind yourself that depression colors everything BLACK, and once the depression has lifted, even if nothing has changed in your life, you will look at things differently and not feel the same level of despair you do now. You just aren't thinking clearly if you're depressed, and need to just tell yourself you need to get thru this, and won't make any big decisions until your depression has lifted.

 

So try to get out to the doctor, and also get some exercise out with your kids. Exercise can go a long way to adjusting brain chemistry and reducing stress. Even if it is only going for walks, that is good, just try to establish a calming routine, and put off worrying about the future until you've resolved some things.

[bewilderment]

Mom of 6,

 

Is your husband physically beating you and your children in addition to emotionally abusing his family? I don't think it is a question of waiting if this is the case, I would tell him to leave, at least get a legal separation and tell your attorney you need some protection if necessary. What stage is his cancer? Is he expected to get worse or is he getting better?

 

I have 2 children and feel stuck in my marriage, but not to the extent you are. I feel terrible for you. Do you have any friends that come to visit you? I have a few friends and my sister who I try to see a few times a month which make life bearable. Can you afford a babysitter? Can one of the older kids babysit for you so you can get some breaks? I think never getting a break with that many kids will definitely contribute to situational depression. In the mean time you need time for yourself desperately.

[metrogirl]

I felt compelled to respond to your thread as I hope my story will help you to find that little bit of strength to continue on.

 

I am a single mother of 4. I pretty much raised them on my own for many years. (2 of them have moved on as they are grown now). I am also a grandmother to 4 very young children that I just took legal custody of. During my struggles of trying to take on the grandchildren, raise my own children, deal with my mother who also lives with me because she has no other resources, becoming homeless and still working full time, I was also in an abusive relationship. I literally thought I would lose my mind. Often, I thought about how I just wanted my pain to end. I can't tell you how many times I thought 'what the heck', if I go now my kids will have my insurance and they will survive. It was an extremely selfish thought but at the time I really didn't think things were ever going to get better.

 

I had to change my mindset and have faith that things would work out no matter how bleak everything looked. It's not an easy task to accomplish when you are emotionally overwhelmed with so much at one time, but it can be done.

 

You have to find your focus. Obviously your primary focus is your emotional stability and your children. You are no good to your children if you are not functioning properly. I'm very glad you are taking medication. It does sound like either the medicine is wrong for you or the dosage isn't high enough. These can be addressed with your mental health doctor. Once you have found the right balance of meds you wil start to feel a little better and will be able to put more thought into what you need to accomplish to keep you and your children safe, sane, and happy.

 

Let's talk about the marriage for a bit. If there is physical violence, a restraining order is needed. There are many resources available to women in your situation. Take advantage of what is offered. There is no reason to stay in a house where the husband is physically and emotionally harming you or the children. Him having a life threatening illness is no excuse for the behaviour that he exhibits. The advice the lawyer gave you about waiting for him to die is absurd at best. Your husband may live for another few years. You need to proceed with what you feel is best for you and the children.

 

Have you looked into local church groups for added support and or counseling?

 

If you have family, I would suggest you and your children staying with them for now until you have the emotional strength to deal with all of this.

 

If you ever need to talk, please PM me. I have had and continue to have my struggles with raising a large family on my own and dealing with the after affects of my own abusive ex boyfriend and I'm more than happy listen.

 

My best to you......

[Jetta]

Woah you have a lot on your plate, dying abusive husband, 6 children. You lawyer is right even if it's difficult, and you can meet another man your still young, heck my mom is dating and she's 58. Not easy at times but there's still plenty of fish in the sea.

[bascom12987]

Hey listen most of us have been there. I'm not a mother of six and I have never had any kind of abusive partner, but I was once lost too. I look back and I am ashamed that I was so selfish to want to die. I was depressed when my love of 6 years just suddenly packed her things and left me without a word or argument. It was nothing I did. And the emptyness from not knowing made me think of suicide as well. You have something to live for. Your kids. Thats more then I had to look forward to. I was completelky alone. How would they feel the rest of their lives knowing that there mother found a cheap way out of problems. I'm sure thats not the example you would set for your kids. This is how I think of life now. Every road has a possible U-turn. I have a quote for you. Something that helped me.

 

"You're playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can't move... you can't breathe... because you're in over your head. Like quicksand. "

 

See the trick is to find out what quicksand is to you....and know that it is inevitable. There is only so far you can fall before you're at the bottom, then all you can do is pick yourself back up. Its all in your head though. You must respect the minds power over the body and take control of it. But it all starts with you. Let me ask, Do you want to be happy? Do you want your kids to be happy? Do you WANT to live? If you cant answer yes to all of these then its not whats been done to you....or the people hurting you in your life. Its you. And only you can find your way out. All we can do is help.

 

Things get better I promise but you have to let them get better. You have to want them to get better. Just do yourself and your kids a favor and fight through this. Its not uncommon that kids of suicide turn to suicide. Dont be unfair to them.

 

Fight through this and it will get better.

 

P.S. You picked a great site with a lot of good people on here to help you. Just take their advice

[mom of 6]

Thank you all for your wonderful comments. I will write more later...as it is so late...and it was a horrible day...one that we endured and can recover from.

Just to clarify:

I had the abusive father removed last Sept. 20th...there is an order of protection in place (which he laughs at) and he is to be out of the house for 2 years. I am in counseling for the abuse but it is a group thing...and don't have time to dwell on individual problems.

I just had a court date with the city where I live about my property and they have given me 60 days to "finish" the addition my ex and I started or else they will fine me 300$ a day from June 11, 2006. Thats just the tip of the iceberg.

I thank you for all your thoughtful suggestions...and it really is a matter of putting one foot in front of the other...which somedays is near impossible. BUT...because of the children...I will. I WON'T kill myself..even if I feel like that is the only solution...I was looking for a place to speak these fears "outloud" as it were...to make them less hidden...and scary...and dangerous. I have been battling depression since I was 15...and have many ways I deal with it...but they haven't been working...and I got scared. I think the suggestion that the hormone thing is throwing things off is right on the money. The stress is beyond what I normally can handle..and am not sure where I will end up with this.

I just wanted to say thank you for all your thoughtfulness and I will be back. This is a wonderful place to talk. Thank you.

[arwen]

Hey mom of 6,

 

I am happy to hear that writing here on the board has at least helped you in getting things off your chest. In a difficult and complicated situation like yours, yes, you have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking, step by step, day by day. It's scary, you have not only yourself to worry about, but also six children. However, never forget to take care of yourself also.

 

As for the hormone thing... stress and hormones interact in many ways. I think that it would be a good idea to have your levels checked but also to take care that you exercise enough (a combination of something that builds up your strength with yoga, like poweryoga would be great, even if you do it just at home or once in a week. Of course I don't know how much spare time you have outside your children!) and have a healthy diet.

[Seraphim]

Awwww sweetie, you are not stuck! I wish I could take your kids for a week and give you a break. You sound exhausted. Maybe there is some kind of support where they can take the kids for you some days and you can go out and do the things YOU like??