mr me Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 I guess im just writing this because i dont really have anyone else to talk to and i need to kinda vent and just get stuff out of my head. Its pretty confusing because out of my whole life dealing with being pretty much depressed and really lonely my whole life, I liked the idea of waiting for someone that i wanted to lose my viriginity too and it kinda made me feel good. I always looked at sex like it was something to be taken serious and feel like im old fashioned and maybe have some puritan values or something. I dont really know. I dont really want to bring her up anymore but i will just say i meet a girl that was also a virgin and we really thought we were gonna lose our virginity together. Well for some reason it wasnt meant to be and then she basically just left in a really messed up way and basically did anything to push me away. So then she ended up losing it to someone else. It really messed me up because i didnt understand why it wasnt going to be with her and also i knew she wasnt over me but she decided to move on. Its even weirder because she basically said it was supposed to be me and she cried afterwards like i thought she would because i kinda felt the same. Well its even weirder because she still didnt want me back and me just seeing all the issues she had its weird to say that but not want me back. Ill also say that this guy she was with shes also thinks shes in love with him. All i really see it as is that she is attached to him because they had sex and she doesnt understand it. It still bothers me alot and i cant even think about it because ill get really depressed but it is what it is. Its alright because today finally after so long i actually felt like there was someone else in this world out there for me and i didnt want to be around someone like her anymore. Its still hard because she was in alot of ways my everything before but im gettin thru that. I will just say i dont feel like i can wait anymore because my depression and loneliness seems to be too much to handle. I tried to wait to see if anyone that i felt i would like to have sex with would come into my life but i dont really see that happening. So i dont really know whats next. Ive meet other girls but i didnt really like them the way i liked the girl i thought i was going to have it with. Ive also had to get over not really being able to enjoy the thought of sex after what happened with that girl. Im still kinda depressed over it but i feel like at least how i wont be waiting anymore that im not gonna be stuck here having to think about stuff that i dont want to think about anymore. My only problem i had is after i talked to the girls that i was going out with that because i didnt like them more than that girl it got me more depressed so im gonna try to not let that happen or work on that somehow. I just wanted to wait till i was over the girl that i thought i was going to be with but i dont see that happening anytime soon. I guess at least getting over the hurt and the pain. I just hope that i dont continue the cycle of getting depressed because things havent worked out for me with girls pretty much ever. I guess thats me making it seem like if i dont have sex with them it wasnt what i wanted but its confusing for me because i didnt really see girls that i liked alot so with my issues already it was alot of pressure i guess on myself. I also had issues with girls alot when i was younger and i always laugh about it to myself because alot of the girls that tried to act like they were too good for me before its like i have the opposite effect now. I have them wanting my attention but i wont give it to them. Im still kinda shy and not always so good at talking in public places but usually when i put my mind on something i find a way to make it work. I feel like i need to take this step for myself and for getting over my past. Its just ive had to deal with alot of things going wrong and my personal problems so its hard and i didnt want a relationship to end up adding more trouble to my life. I guess there is the friends with benefits but that never works out like people wanted it to. So i dont really know but all i can do is keep on doing what im doing and hopefully things work out good. Link to comment
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