Verbally abusive boyfriend.. Why can't I drop him?

[Ms.Julia]

Oh god somebody help me! Where to start, I met this guy 6 months ago at a very rough time in my life. I thought I was so lucky to run into him. I was out on my own in college & I felt very isolated and alone.School was boring, I haven't made any friends,& here along comes this guy who is smart & funny. Everything started out great, we started out as friends and then we started dating.He was basically the only person that seemed like they truly loved me, I've been estranged with my family for awhile & I virtually have no one but him.

 

It seemed like after a couple of months we started dating. He would do hurtful things, not answering his phone a lot when I called. Disappearing for days on end. Cheating on me constantly and saying it was a mistake.The sad part is, every time I try to walk away. He comes back & apologizes.. he breaks down and he says he loves me & he starts doing all these things for me. He buys me gifts and he starts trying to be a good boyfriend but he always seems to fall back into old patterns. Then he can be moody a lot & he seems to take his anger out on me. I'll call him and he'll answer with a what do you want type response. He can say very nasty things to me, saying things like I'm ugly & laugh & mock about things I may suggest that I do with myself... to improve. I already have low self esteem as it is & him telling me that he finds me unattractive really saddens me.I had acne one time & we went on a date & he literally told me he was disgusted at the bumps I had gotten on my face. He literally couldn't look at me for the whole night He tells me when I put on weight, if he doesn't like a certain hairstyle etc.. Then he'll flip & act like he loves me so much! He was there for me and concerned when my aunt died. He came over to my place one day and decided to fix me breakfast & he bought me roses just to cheer me up.. So he's not bad all of the time. Sometimes he can be really sweet & I feel like he can really love me!

 

So last night I was at his place & he wanted to have sex. I told him that I wasn't ready & he's been patiently waiting. I've never had sex before with him. So he got very angry with me & he told me to get out. He literally kicked me out of his apartment. Feeling hurt I was trying to call him & he never answered his cell phone. So late that night around 3 am, he called to tell me that he was at a hotel with a prostitute.I got angry with him & I was so hurt and disgusted, a prostitute of all things!! He told me that he needed sex & that I wouldn't give it to him so he had to resort to a hooker. He said it so taunting and calmly, I slammed the phone down. I'm just so tired of this circle but I can't find the strength to leave him. I'm so scared of being alone again and even though he treats me like crap sometimes, I really do enjoy the times he's so nice,romantic and funny & smart. It's like I'm so desperate for love and affection that I'm willing to settle for anything.. If he leaves, I will virtually have no one again...

[Band_Nerd]

You have to drop him. Trust me. I was in a simular situation like yours, my ex would be all sweet and romantic and then almost out of no where he'd become moody and mad at me for no reason; he'd say mean and cruel things to me and he wouldn't even care if he'd make me cry, then he'd come back saying he was sorry and that he loved me...but then the circle keeps going back to where it started. Get out of it now. I should have when I was in your place and I ended up geing screwed over when he dumped me.

I know you're afraid, I was too. When he left me and got with someone else, I thought I wasn't going to be able to love anyone ever again because he was my first. I know you've probably heard this so many times before, because I know I have, there is someone better for you. Someone that isn't going to be cruel to you out of no where. You don't deserve that...no one does.

If you ever need to talk to anyone, message me, I may not know exactly what you're going through, but I can still give help.

[Beyondthesea]

I'd definitely say having no one is better than having that!!!

 

You could have people in your life if you choose to. Look to making new friends, coworkers, classmates, etc...there are many people in the world looking for a friend.

[h0pelessr0mantic]

My boyfriend of 3 and a half years and i have been in that exact same vicious cycle. Its so hard to comprehend how one single person can have the ability to make u feel so incredibly happy and so incredibly sh*tty (like lower than low...to the point where u just want to curl up in a ball and die). The problem is... u focus on all the good parts about him after u guys break up. U think of all the sweet things that he's done (the gifts, the random acts of "love" etc) and u worry that if u leave him for good, that u will never be able to find someone that does those nice sweet things again. Also, because u've been with him for a while and have no one else, ur afriad of being alone. I am also so incredibly afraid of the loneliness that will come with a break up. U have to realize that u are not happy in this relationship. Ask urself this: if ur mother or ur sister was seeing someone exactly liek ur boyfriend, what would u advise them to do? chances are u would urge them to LEAVE. U need to find the strength to do that urself. There are alot of good guys out there. U need to go out and find Mr. Right....not Mr. Right-now. Its been 6 months and it seems forever, but the longer u stay, the harder it will get. I am now in my 3rd year and i have had so many ups and downs...my hair is falling out...i feel really depressed...i've gained weight...etc etc. But we stay because they will be terrible one second, and then be so sweet the next. So we think...maybe this can work. IT CAN'T. No matter how hard u think that u can reach that sweet side of him and remove the nasty side....u have to realize that BOTH are part of the same person. u can;t separate one from the other. The next time u guys get into a big fight, u need to leave him and remove ALL contact. If he calls, ignore his phone calls. If he e-mails...get ur friend to delete them (don't even look at the title). AVOID at all costs because if ur anything like me... once they get a chance to talk and pour out their heart and soul about how much they "love u"... u get sucked back in. So just avoid him and move on. U do not want to be seeking professional help (a psychologist) about this (which i am doing). If u need someone to talk to, u can msg me, i think we are going through similar things and it always helps to have someone there.

[Ms.Julia]

I'd definitely say having no one is better than having that!!!

 

You could have people in your life if you choose to. Look to making new friends, coworkers, classmates, etc...there are many people in the world looking for a friend.

 

 

I don't know why but I can never form bonds with people.It seems like people never like me or they're never invested in being my friend or getting to know me, so it's like whatever. Sure I have a lot of associates but I just can't seem to build these relationships that won't last out of school or the workplace. Even joining clubs, it's the same way. We may laugh & talk but that's about it. I'm very shy & I'm not straight forward with people. I just can't go up to people and be like hey.. please take my number and be my friend.

 

Now I'm so attached to this guy that I'm willing to put up with his crap because sadly, the fear of being completely alone is much worst to me than taking his crap.. I know that doesn't sound very logical

[Reilly2856]

I know you are afraid of being alone without him, but you have to realize that being with him is only contributing to your low self-esteem. A person who really loves you does not do things as he's done to hurt you. His words are vicious, and on some level, he probably realizes that they greatly hurt you...yet, he continues to use them. This, in itself, shows his disregard for your feelings. On the flip side, you could give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it. Say hurtful things to him...marking on his appearance and see how he likes it. YOu'll find that he will totally freak out over you mistreating him. SO, why does it give him the right to treat you this way. No one has the right to treat you this way. And as long as you stay with him, you'll never give yourself the opportunity to meet a guy who would actually love and respect you. I know you said that he comes by each time apologizing for his actions....but his apologies are worth nothing if in the next moment, he does the same exact things to you. Another disturbing thing is the fact that he called you up boasting about getting laid with a hooker just so you won't sleep with him. Good for you for slamming the phone on him. Someone who has such low disregard for your feelings is not worth your time. It should be about your choice whether to sleep iwth him and if he can't be patient, then that should show you that he only cares about sleeping with you rather than about your feelings or love. Stand up for what's good for you....and ditch this jerk. Break all contact and if he comes by apologizing again...slam the door on his face.

[Ms.Julia]

I have to be strong, I have to find the strength to move on. So far I've been ignoring his calls but I feel it's only a matter of time before I crack, cave in & start calling him again.

 

My thing is he is so charming,funny & addictive. We also have a lot in common and I've never dated a man I could have fun with. Have deep conversations etc etc. I keep thinking about the good times before he was acting crazy. I just loved how I could totally be myself with him. I never had a guy call late at night just to talk & sing to me and blah blah. I just feel this connection. It's like I choose to black out the bad parts, every time I try to dump him & leave. I start feeling sorry for myself,alone & miserable to the point of anxiety & I end up calling him. It happens every time. See I love the good side of him, if he just stayed the way he was... I would have found the perfect man! I just don't think I will be able find someone to make me feel the way he did & sadly I'm so lost and confused right now. I've tried to move on & find other guys but they're either not interested or they just doesn't captivate me like my current boyfriend did. I don't understand why I'm still in love with a guy who obviously doesn't love me. Why I choose to keep coming back..

 

He has me so insecure that I'm spying on his phone, & computer just to see if he's sleeping around & cheating on me & I always find out that he is!

[Reilly2856]

He is not the perfect man....in fact, there is no such thing. You want him to be what he isn't...he is right now what he will always be with you which is verbally abusive. In fact, by giving in to your weakness and calling him each time, you are telling him that it is okay for him to treat you like crap...this is not right. If you honestly stack up all his good qualities with this bad....it would still not justify you staying with him in this relationship. At the end of the day, the posters here can tell you how they see the situation but if you choose to see it from "rosy-colored" glasses, then you will not be helping yourself. I don't mean to be harsh but you need to see things as they really are instead of how you wish they could be.

[Creative]

After reading this, I really think girls have a tendency to create situations where they feel like they've taken cocaine. By not talking to him, you're setting yourself up for another dosage when he doesn't respond. Think about it, when a guy know you couldn't 'not' reply, they're able to wait months before responding to you, so I don't see how you can win this.

 

I suggest you find people with your interest in mind who'll help you get him off your mind. I mean just reading this makes even ME wanna help. Anchor these people and attempt to see other things and do other things beside just focusing on him.

[CakeLove]

I was deep in a relationship like this. I "loved" him desperately...I would feel horrible if he even frowned at me in dissaproval...he would give me the silent treatment and not talk to me for no real reason...he so messed with my mind. I cried all the time. His moods were unpredictable, his highs were too high, his lows would bring everyone down....I am now pretty convinced he is mentally ill on a functional level.

 

I think too many females get "love" confused with "control". We twist obvious abusive..and mentally abusive behaviors to mean that the guy is protective and caring and loving otherwise...and WE must have done SOMETHING to displease him. It's such crap...and what he wants you to feel so terrible about yourself that you would never consider leaving him...because after all...you have zits, you are stupid, he is doing you a FAVOR by being with you.

 

He is insecure, has emotional and possibly mental issues...and he wants to control you and keep you in misery. Guess who has the power to get the hell out of this? Only you. You need to remind yourself that you are a worthy person who deserves to be happy and to be treated right...ALL THE TIME. Not just after he has revealed his true side again..the abusive side.

 

I left this man swiftly...once I made up my mind..I just loaded my things up and left. Off and on we saw each other...he of course wanted me back...but even then he did horrible things to me or messed with my mind and tried to control me.

 

I stopped seeing him and dated other men...normal NICE men. (Yep...that's what he doesn't want you to know...that he is unbelivably creepy and most other guys will treat you like a princess...)

 

Get away from him before other levels of abuse and control start. And you need to begin to love yourself. You cannot really love anyone else properly until you do.

[healthseeker]

When I read a post like yours....someone being treated terribly by someone who deserves to be dumped....I always think the same thing:

 

I feel so sad. Not for you and certainly not for your jerk "boyfriend"! I feel sad for your possible husband. Do you ever think about him? Wonder if he is drinking tea right now? Watching his favorite show? Going on a walk?

 

How sad for him.

 

He could be in line in his life right now to head in a direction where your paths finally cross. But, you won't be there for him, because you will be pining away after a man that could possibly give a disease from a prostitute. Wasting your time crying, getting exhausted with your mind spinning on what to do next when you could be picking out ingredients for the perfect picnic with your wonderful new hubby and possibly family.

 

You know what? I have had a few boyfriends in my 40 years. But one of the most fulfilling times was when I was alone. I was at peace with myself. I could really focus my time on what I wanted to do/not do. I was truly happy as hell! I thought about my "possible husband" so I wrote him a letter. I told him how excited I was to meet him and how I have moments of "missing" him...even though I don't even know him yet. I wrote that letter and put it away. A couple of years ago my husband of 6 years and I were cleaning out old boxes getting ready for the birth of our baby and we came upon that letter. I gave it to my husband and he still has it. Full circle!

 

Embrace your dreams and never lower your standards!!! Not to include a jerk that is out to break your spirit. Get out of this and celebrate your life.

[Creative]

When I read a post like yours....someone being treated terribly by someone who deserves to be dumped....I always think the same thing:

 

I feel so sad. Not for you and certainly not for your jerk "boyfriend"! I feel sad for your possible husband. Do you ever think about him? Wonder if he is drinking tea right now? Watching his favorite show? Going on a walk?

 

How sad for him.

 

He could be in line in his life right now to head in a direction where your paths finally cross. But, you won't be there for him, because you will be pining away after a man that could possibly give a disease from a prostitute. Wasting your time crying, getting exhausted with your mind spinning on what to do next when you could be picking out ingredients for the perfect picnic with your wonderful new hubby and possibly family.

 

Woah, nice one! This is a very thoughtful post.