girlfriend affected by abusive ex boyfriend

[DanG]

I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half. I can't get much information about it from her, but I know her last boyfriend hit her. I am the only one she has told, she didn't intend on telling me, it came out when she was drunk. She told me he would hit her if she did anything "wrong" and beat her up a couple times. I tried to bring it up with her after we had sobered up, but she just made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone.

 

I have kept with my promise not to tell anyone, except anonymously here. I know it really affects her and it bothers me. When I was having a bad day yesterday I was already grouchy. My entertainment system is very complex and all the wiring is pretty crazy. She accidentally unplugged something making the TV not work. After my bad day all I wanted to do was relax and watch TV, so I was pretty annoyed. I wasn't mad at her, but I snapped a little bit.

 

Her reaction really worries me because she wouldn't come near me or let me approach her. She kept a huge distance from me and was headed for the door. She started crying and shaking upcontrolably and it took her a long time to calm down after I told her it was ok and I wasn't mad.

 

I think she needs help but she won't talk to me or anyone else about what happened to her. She is really upset that I know about it and won't let me bring it up ever. I know that her ex is a good friend of her family, so I think that is why she won't tell them. I have her trust and I really don't want to break it, but I think I should tell someone for her own good.

 

I'm afraid that I risk losing her if I try to help her, but I don't want her have to live with this. Help?!

[Reilly2856]

I know she doesn't want you to bring it up but you should try to sit her down and get her to talk about it. Reassure her that you are really worried about her, especially after her recent reaction to you when she thought you were mad. Tell her that you would never do anything to hurt her and don't want to lose her over this, but as someone who really cares about her, you think it is time for her to get some help to work out some of these issues. Tell her that you will be there with her every step of the way, that you guys can look at finding someone (psychologist, etc.) and you won't tell her family or friends till she is ready to give this information to them about him. At the same time, tell her that she needs to work out her fear of him because if she doesn't it will really consume her life and she will have to live in fear all her life, preventing her from ever getting close to a guy again without fear of him hitting her. Also tell her that she needs to report this to someone not only for herself, but also to help the next person that may end up dating this man. Because if he did this to her, he could really do this to the next girl. By her coming forward with this information (when she feels comfortable) she will also be helping him by making him realize that it is not okay to resort to violence against a woman no matter the situation and that he needs to get some professional help to deal with his excessive aggression. Do this gently and make sure that you tell her that you are doing this not to bring up all the hurt from her past, but rather, to help her get over it in an effective manner so that she can once again live a life free of fear. Best of luck. I hope things go well, and do update us.

[Angel_baby]

I myself am physically abused. It is VERY VERY hard to open up and tell anyone about it. She has opened up to you once and probably regrets it. Her not wanting to talk about it again is probably because she wants to not think about it as it brings up really bad memories.

 

I have trouble just posting on here to people I don't know in real life. It is so hard to talk about.

 

Like the above poster said. She needs a lot of reassuring. Tell her that she doesn't have to tell you the past things that happened until she feels ready to. But let her know that you would never lay a finger on her EVER.

Bring up in a concerns and reassuring way that maybe being able to talk to someone confidentially, like a counselor would help her work out her fear and damaged esteem from the past.