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Shall i send a message or just leave it?


skyblue1

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I'm finding it hard to accept this though it always ends like this silence and i hate it. HOw can i come to terms with this Batya33? feel like going mad

 

I don't think you come to terms with it you just decide that one of the tradeoffis in dating is that you might not get the answers you want as far as why there is not a second or third date. I've also been on the other side where the guy demanded an explanation as to why specifically I wasn't interested in a second or third date. I found it very annoying and it confirmed that we weren't a match because that was just too needy/clingy for me most of the time.

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why did you text him sky? uhhhh

 

Because i thought maybe he will want to meet me again - but now i know he doesn't want to. I hate leaving things like this - my mind keeps wondering - whats going on? whats going on? how do people get over stuff like this?????????

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I don't think you come to terms with it you just decide that one of the tradeoffis in dating is that you might not get the answers you want as far as why there is not a second or third date. I've also been on the other side where the guy demanded an explanation as to why specifically I wasn't interested in a second or third date. I found it very annoying and it confirmed that we weren't a match because that was just too needy/clingy for me most of the time.

 

Thanks hun. Maybe i said or did something wrong in order to not want him to see me again. It is a real shame as i really liked him

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Because i thought maybe he will want to meet me again - but now i know he doesn't want to. I hate leaving things like this - my mind keeps wondering - whats going on? whats going on? how do people get over stuff like this?????????

 

But it's not leaving things. Assume that a man who wants to see you a second or third time - or a fourth or fifth time if you're casually dating - will call you and ask you out on another date. Period.

 

Rare exceptions are when you did something you know offended him - but then all you need to do is apologize. It's not his fault that your mind keeps wondering and wandering - that's your deal and while texting him once is not a big deal, try and be sensitive to the fact that if he doesn't want to see you again after only a few dates, he's entitled not to call you and entitled not to be contacted by you with demands as to "why."

 

I accepted situations like this by understanding that not everyone i went on a date with or a few dates with saw a future with me, or felt like seeing me again. I relied on my foundation of reasonable self esteem that I'm "ok" as a person to accept that it's ok for another person not to choose to see me again.

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You can't do anything if he doesn't want you but you have no idea if that is why he didn't call you - all you know is that he is not interested in seeing you again at this time (or he died, but that would be unusual ;-)

 

This is just one guy who you met a few times - no need to take this experience to the extremes you are taking it - that is sabotaging and negative.

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You can't do anything if he doesn't want you but you have no idea if that is why he didn't call you - all you know is that he is not interested in seeing you again at this time (or he died, but that would be unusual ;-)

 

This is just one guy who you met a few times - no need to take this experience to the extremes you are taking it - that is sabotaging and negative.

 

Bayta it keeps happening every date never sticks around - i have posted all bad dates never anything lasting. I find that strange=- do you?

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maybe you should just take a break from dating. i don't know. i think you're really lovely, but i'm afraid you may be putting off a 'desperate' or 'clingy' vibe, based on what you post here. it's probably subconscious. remember - you are a rockin' babe, you are great, if a guy decides to pass you by, it's his loss. remember, even halle berry's been dumped!

 

i agree with batya, no answer IS your answer. if he doesn't call, he's not that interested, period. don't invest a lot of heart or mind into the first few dates.

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maybe you should just take a break from dating. i don't know. i think you're really lovely, but i'm afraid you may be putting off a 'desperate' or 'clingy' vibe, based on what you post here. it's probably subconscious. remember - you are a rockin' babe, you are great, if a guy decides to pass you by, it's his loss. remember, even halle berry's been dumped!

 

i agree with batya, no answer IS your answer. if he doesn't call, he's not that interested, period. don't invest a lot of heart or mind into the first few dates.

 

I think so too but when i do try taking a break someone pops along and ruins it Then i'm back to feeling low. Thank you darling you guys are amazing. I need to change my way of thinking before i go insane with guys like this. I want to be

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i know, it's hard when you get your hopes up when you meet someone who seems like they might be "The One." and a few weeks later, the bubble bursts. i hear you. we could spend an entire night trading stories over martinis! but, whatever, it just means they weren't right for us. better to spend our time and thoughts on our friends and family who DO care for us, rather than worrying about what this guy said or did....

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i know, it's hard when you get your hopes up when you meet someone who seems like they might be "The One." and a few weeks later, the bubble bursts. i hear you. we could spend an entire night trading stories over martinis! but, whatever, it just means they weren't right for us. better to spend our time and thoughts on our friends and family who DO care for us, rather than worrying about what this guy said or did....

 

You are right annie! i waste too much energy thinking about guys and whats going to happen next. I have really had enough of being let down. I want to change maybe become a stronger person to not let men bring me down

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Bayta it keeps happening every date never sticks around - i have posted all bad dates never anything lasting. I find that strange=- do you?

 

No, because at least some of the men you chose were clearly just interested in casual sex. you also posted about a few dates where you came on very strong.

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Hey Sky,

 

I know how you are feeling...and it really does suck. I am your age and before I met my now bf I had years and years of meaningless dates that lwould ast once or twice and then they would vanish. I didnt consider myself to be unattractive, I had lots of friends etc.

 

I too would get myself into a dark place because I couldnt work out what I was doing wrong. Did I say something stupid? Did my top make me look fat? Did I come accross single and desperate? I use to beat myself up and ask my girlfriends over and over why noone wanted to get to know me.

 

Then one day I decided. Who cares what these guys think. I know I am a good person, with a big heart and I know that I will make someone happy one day. I stopped looking.

Literally 2 weeks later I was out for a friends birthday and I ended up talking to my now boyfriend. We have been together ever since, 1.5 years, and he has become my best friend.

 

I guess I just wanted you to know that I have been through exactly what you have but hun - there IS someone out there for you. You have to believe in yourself, know that you have alot to give, feel confident and content being on your own. There is nothing wrong with that. And trust me the right guy will come along.

 

Hang in there, I know its not easy.

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That's a great post -- I would comment that I don't think the right guy just "comes along" - except in rare circumstances and most romantic movies. I think all you said PLUS being proactive every step of the way is how you create a life where a healthy relationship would fit in nicely.

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This man didn't "not" stick around - there was nothing there to "stick" yet - three dates do not make a relationship where two people are bonded to the extent that the man who doesn't ask you on another date isn't "sticking around".

 

Comparing him to men who have long term, serious relationships and disappear doesn't make a lot of sense. Dating in the early stages is not about "sticking around", it's about getting to know someone and deciding whether another date makes sense - there's no serious or exclusive relationship yet so someone who decides things aren't clicking enough for a third, fourth or fifth date is making a fairly simple decision and it would make little sense to keep dating if at that early stage things aren't clicking or there's not enough in common, or an old girlfriend calls, or.... whatever.

 

There were many men over the years where after a few dates I realized there was no future, not enough in common, met someone else I liked better, whatever -- I would hate to be categorized as a woman who doesn't "stick around" based on that behavior.

 

It sounds like you overdramatize these situations and get overly down on yourself and "men" -- maybe to give you an excuse not to keep dating? I hope not, that would be a shame.

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Would be nice to have continues dates with a guy you get on with and i do want to date a guy, it's just annoying when you seem to think things are going well then he all of a sudden disappears without a trace who knows why he didn't contact me back oberviously i didn't stand out to him enough to make him want to date me again.

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Yes, it's annoying but typical of all people who date, but it makes little sense to speculate that it had anything to do with you. There were several occasions I didn't go on another date because I got back together with an ex, because we had different goals, etc (which is not a personal thing, just meant we were incompatible, etc.

 

My point was that going to extremes as if this was a serious relationship "I want a man who sticks around" is self-sabotaging if you truly want to date. when I dated - not long ago at all - I never ever assumed "things were going well" -- I assumed if we had a good date, that.... we had a good date, and if he wanted to see me again he would ask me out for another date.

 

Having expectations based on a few dates that there would be another date made little sense to me if we didn't have another date planned.

 

and I don't think you want a man who "sticks around" - you want a man who wants to see you again.

 

It's possible, with your high expectations, that he sensed the vibes from you that you were already far ahead of him in feelings and expectations and that made him nervous. I am speculating here but the way you describe this situation, if you gave that impression to him in some way I could see where perhaps he felt overwhelmed.

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SKY, you are beautiful. It is this guy's loss.

 

I was in your shoes, so again I am not judging.

 

I got hung up on a girl, I then began to realize that I was the problem. Why was I so hung up on her? Why did I NEED to have communication with her?

 

 

You are beautiful, you can get sooo many guys numbers if you want them. Date a few guys at a time, and rock out sister. Give it time, you will grow. Go out and just have fun!

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I was in the same situation last week. You have to understand that it may have absolutely nothing to do with you at all. He may not be ready to be in a relationship. Some people choose to just disappear, instead of communicating this to the other person, especially since you guys only went on 3 dates.

 

So, try to stop thinking about it. If the guys do not call, it means that they were not good for you anyway.

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SKY, you are beautiful. It is this guy's loss.

 

I was in your shoes, so again I am not judging.

 

I got hung up on a girl, I then began to realize that I was the problem. Why was I so hung up on her? Why did I NEED to have communication with her?

 

 

You are beautiful, you can get sooo many guys numbers if you want them. Date a few guys at a time, and rock out sister. Give it time, you will grow. Go out and just have fun!

 

Thank you need to chill a little you guys have been a great help xxxx

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Very true- i want a guy to date me longer than a month - looks like i need to date more guys righ? I hope tend to get my hopes up at the early stage of dating very very true- i just get very excited that things are going my way , then it goes for some reason -

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Skyblue1,

 

I have had the same thing happen to me a lot in the past and I always felt the same way...like things were going so well after a short period of dating and then I would want/expect more and the guy would lose interest. But I think that you just kind of have to try not to take everything that happens in the beginning as being that meaningful with regards to the future. Try to look at it as fun in the moment. I think, for me anyway, it's impossible not to hope for a next date if I really like the guy and the past few dates went really well. But I think it's possible to be hopeful and realistic at the same time...that is what I aim to do. It's hard though, and I am not quite sure how to deal with guys picking up the vibe from me (or frankly, me telling them) that I am looking for something more on the steady/serious side without them being overwhelmed or freaked out by it. I guess it's hard for me to understand because that concept/idea does not overwhelm me personally unless some guy is going overboard with getting super serious and calling every day wanting to see me. I think it's a tough balance to strike sometimes, and I would say try not to become attached but I don't think that is the real issue--I think you can't really control whether or not you feel attraction and then attachment but you can control what you do about it. You can continue meeting new people and being open to new dates unless and until you agree with someone to become exclusive.

 

I understand how you feel about wanting a guy to date you for more than a month...I feel the same way. When I meet someone and I'm attracted and enjoy spending time with him, I generally hope that we will continue seeing each other for more than a month, because it usually takes me at least that long to see if there is long-term potential (unless the guy does something crazy to turn me off right off the bat).

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