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Ok so i'm having a hard time understanding why when you come out of a relationship you have to "find yourself" and "get your life back".


I mean, what is it about being in a relationship that makes you change so much that when it's gone you think you need to be what you was before them, as if to say relationships ruins you.


I find that when i'm not in a relationship i'm almost a complete different person as to when i'm in one. I'm much more outgoing, i find sex far more appealing, i have so many friends that i dunno what to do with myself and i look forwards to going out and drinking on weekends, all the things that i don't particularly enjoy when i'm in a relationship.

When i'm in a relationship i enjoy simple things like, playing cards and watching eastenders lol. I don't understand it. It's as though i turn into the married woman that can't seem to find the balance between the two. I'm either single and out dancing on tables or in a relationship at home cleaning up after some man whinging!


And things that wouldn't necessarily bother me when i'm single, i get into a relationship and POOWWW it bothers me and i become this paranoid insecure pain in the ass that's no fun to be around.


Does anyone else feel like this? Or is it just me?! God i hope not. I just feel like i'm not ever gonna be able to keep a man longer than 2 years. (I've had 2 relationships, both lasting 2 years).


No problem getting a guy, keeping them, well, that's another story! Anyone?

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I found that the relationships in which I changed into a different person were the relationships that weren't good for me (and ended for good reasons).


My current bf (live together) is the first with whom I don't feel like I have a completely different life- I still enjoy my hobbies and I am as committed to my work as I am when I am single. In the past I changed into an insecure girl that had her bf as the center of her world.

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I think Arwen has totally hit the nail on the head. If you stop being yourself in a relationship, either to please the other person or because you haven't got that much in common, it takes time to find yourself again afterwards.


Healthy relationships allow you to be who you are; if you don't have a strong sense of yourself then you can't share yourself with anyone else.

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I have been starting to think it could be because of several things...

1) I haven't found the right person yet (as you've said arwen)

2) I'm not grown up enough to handle my feelings

3) I probably will never been grown up enough to handle them

and 4) I just suck at relationships!


Ok i shouldn't be too hard on myself because when i am in a relationship i could honestly not put any more into it, i'm very loyal and trust worthy, i can't tell a lie to save my life, i don't so much as look at another man, and am totally committed to that person and that person only. My mum tells me that i'm "too loyal for my own good"... what a thing to say ay!


Now i've been single for 6 weeks, starting to find all sorts of odd people attractive, like my single senses are coming back! It's just really weird!

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Some people give so much of themselves to the relationship that they loose what/who they are in the process. I don't think being in a relationship and dancing on tables is a good idea, but totally giving up everything you were for someone else will lead to problems. It is great to just stay in a be with each other and it is also very healthly to get out and enjoy friends with or without your S/O. Most people want their S/O with them so they can share the fun and relax together. When we first meet someone it is all about them and we are all they want, but as time goes by the balance you spoke of needs to come into play. This has happened to many many people all the time. Sometimes you have to really try and keep YOURSELF relavant but not be selfish at the same time. It can be done.....



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I'm hearing what you're saying. It's just to a degree i am myself when i'm in a relationship, i don't not do things i used to do because of that person i stop doing things i used to do because i haven't much interest for it anymore.

For example the going out and drinking, it appeals a hell of a lot to me when i'm single, the minute i'm in a relationship, no interest at all! All i want to do is coupley things which effectively ruins my self confidence and annoys my at the time boyfriend, coz they liked who i was when they met me! I'm don't specifically change for them i just lose complete interest in what i was doing before them. It's something i really need to work on. I'm just worried i'm gonna lose every guy i get in life because of my inability to have a life outside of my relationship.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I know EXACTLY how this goes. I'm the same way.


Before I met my ex, I used to love going out and getting drunk, flirting with guys, going to bars and anything else involving lots of people. As a single girl I was out there having fun.


As soon as I got into a relationship that I thought was for real, I gave it all up because I didn't want to do it anymore. I no longer drank, I no longer went to bars and clubs, I didn't want to be with anyone else other than my boyfriend. Now I realise over time that was what ruined my confidence and self-esteem. I became too dependant on my boyfriend and my depression came back.


Now that my boyfriend dumped me (only 2 days ago), it's tough being on my own. But I'm starting to indulge in the stuff I liked as a single girl. And hopefully that is what will bring my confidence back and make me feel happy again.

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