How to make dating opportunities available to me

[renaissancewoman101]

I guess what I am asking is, "how do I flirt" or get the attention of guys? Or is it me who is going to have to take the proactive stance and chat guys up and eventually ask them out for coffee? I did that with my ex and got a two-year relationship out of it, which isn't bad.

 

I have been going out and getting involved in things. I am continuing with the pottery class (except it is now on Tues night instead of Thurs night), and I have signed up to do a few things with SCA (like tomorrow evening they have a Renaissance dance class, which I am very interested in and will attend - too bad that is only a once a month thing Through link removed, there is a writing workshop (utilizing ideas from the book "The Artists' Way") that is starting up at the end of the month, and I plan to go and check it out.

 

Other than that, I haven't really being doing any "date-type" activities. I don't go out a lot on my own, except maybe to go for a walk in the park, or to go grocery or other types of shopping. Been trying to conserve money because just heard that there could be layoffs at my job. I do spend the weekends with my best friend because I'm used to that.

 

The SCA classes that I've been to, which only have been two, there are guys there, but most are attached (they are there with their wives), or else they seem really geeky (kind of the type that are into Dungeons and Dragons type stuff). The pottery class, which is very small, there are three guys there and me and a new girl. Two of the guys I know from the last class. The other guy and girl are new. Girl is really young and bubbly (she is 21) and she seems to catch the attention of two of the guys (they're both older). I've chatted with the guys and they're friendly and stuff, but not sure if there is interest there.

 

I am not good with joking around, and being able to flirt and joke. I can tell the other girl does a bit of flirting. I can tell when others are doing it. I just can't seem to pull it off myself. Maybe I'm too insecure.

 

I do realize age matters and that as I get older, I probably will not be able to attract guys who are older than me. My preference really is for an older guy or maybe someone my age, but definitely not someone who is a lot younger than me. I want someone who is honest, knows the ropes, and knows what it is like to get burned so would be more honest, and less out to burn those they date.

 

Just not sure how else to go to get the dating prospects.

[renaissancewoman101]

Any advice?

[Superfreak]

There's really two roles you can take to dating. Active or passive. Passive is waiting for someone else to make things happen, active is making it happen yourself. I've discovered over the years that if I don't approach women or ask them out on dates, I just plain won't get any dates, so being passive about finding a partner is simply a losing strategy for me.

 

If you've had success asking guys out for coffee, but never had much success sitting back and letting others come to you, then its pretty clear what kind of approach works best for you, so stick with that.

[Panda2008]

Hi, I just wanted to comment on your point about older men not wanting to date you - I actually think that older men nearly always want to date someone younger than them, or that's been my experience.

[renaissancewoman101]

I do find one of the guys in my pottery class intriguing. I've talked to him a few times. Not sure if he would be interested in me. I don't always look my best while trying to throw a pot. I tend to get clay all over my clothes, shorts and even my hair.

 

And there is a new student in the class who is a young 21 year old woman. I think most older guys would want someone younger. I dunno. When I was in my twenties, I did have a lot of older guys hitting on me (mostly at work). I worked at a place where everybody was at least 40 and older at the time I started there. Interesting.

 

Superfreak, I may take the initiative, talk to the guys more and ask someone out for coffee. We'll see. I have to see first if there is interest in me first.

 

I do look forward to going to that dance class tomorrow night. Hopefully there'll be some guys there.

[Batya33]

I think you're going to need to wean yourself off of seeing your best friend every weekend if you're serious about this - the "what I'm used to" has to take a back seat to "i want more dating opportunities."

 

Someone I know hired a dating coach - i am skeptical of whether the coach is a good idea, and he's expensive (she is in her 30s) but along those lines, it wouldn't hurt maybe to take an acting class, public speaking, improv acting - somewhere where you're forced to come out of your shell even more in a new way.

 

see also if the nerds in your class who you don't like might have single friends - who might be nerdy too but you never know.

 

I spent the weekend with a 21 year old female relative - I asked if things had changed as far as girls asking guys out (she is very cute, has done her share of dating).

 

She rolled her eyes, sighed and said "of course it hasn't changed - men have testosterone, men are men so if the girl asks the guy out she ruins it or it means he didn't like her in the first place - you have to let the guys ask you out." I'd never told her how I felt on the issue (and she doesn't care what I think either, lol). You might disagree - and I disagree to the extent that sure, asking someone to grab a slice of pizza with you isn't asking him out so there is a gray area there.

good luck!

[JeckyllNHyde]

i think a dating coach is SUCH a great idea!!

of course along the line you learn to be yourself. the only thing which worries me about the dating coach is if they cost alot, since ren says she is trying to save some money.

 

see also if the nerds in your class who you don't like might have single friends - who might be nerdy too but you never know.

i agree. there is always oppertunity there.

also.. your into rennaisance faires.. dungeons and dragons i admit is a bit more extreme, but aren't renaissance fares also about dressing up, characters, etc? that's being a bit judgemental (i think).

 

maybe one of those guys would even enjoy it joining you at a renaissance fair later, who knows.. never rule out the geeks.. they can be some of the sweetest guys sometimes..

 

i think you are doing enough date type activities, and no need to feel like your not. i remember before when you where realllly putting alot of effort into meeting guys and you mentioned it just feeling like more of a drag, and less fun. it just felt nerve wracking to you and that's never good.

 

once you save up enough and get more aquaintances and friends (maybe thru meet link removed) maybe you can go out more with friends. that's the best way to meet guys i feel.. just getting out even if you dont expect guys to be there at a restuarant, bar, or other social setting.

[Batya33]

Just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting a dating coach for Ren - mostly because of the money issue but also because, as I wrote, I am somewhat skeptical. But it did get me thinking of other activities where an indirect result could be learning to flirt, lighten up, etc.

[StrawberryYogurt]

 

The SCA classes that I've been to, which only have been two, there are guys there, but most are attached (they are there with their wives), or else they seem really geeky (kind of the type that are into Dungeons and Dragons type stuff).

 

In other words, I'm too good for these nerdy guys, but I'll sit and complain that I can't get a date anyway. Wow.

[cpujunkie]

I wish I had some advice to give. I am a shy person myself.

[renaissancewoman101]

In other words, I'm too good for these nerdy guys, but I'll sit and complain that I can't get a date anyway. Wow.

 

I didn't mean it that way, as in I'm too good for them either. My ex was kind of a Dungeons and Dragons dude, and we had a LTR that lasted two years.

 

Well tonight I went to the Renaissance dance class. Seven people were there, three guys including the instructor and four girls. It was a good two hours and we learned two dances. All the people there have been to at least 4-5 classes so they knew what they were doing. It's a bit tricky to learn the dances, and the group only meets once a month.

 

I ended up talking to 2 of the ladies after the class and told them I was a newbie to all this and what did I need to do to meet people and get involved. They told me to sign up for the local SCA group's weblist, and also about a local SCA event on Aug 2nd and 3rd. One of the ladies was telling me that the more events I go to, the more people I will meet and friends I can make. So, more or less, I'm going to jump into this and start going to things. Keeps me busy and hopefully will help me get out of my shell.

 

The lady that I was talking to, she's been in the SCA about 4 months, and she was telling me the way to get involved is to introduce yourself to people, attend events, get involved, volunteer, and just get out there. I'm trying to do it, but in little baby steps.

 

I am taking steps in a positive direction, with taking the pottery class and now getting more involved in SCA events. Hopefully that'll help me meet people and make some friends, and make my isolation at work easier to handle.

 

I realize I have to push myself to go out and do things, otherwise, if I let myself do what I want, I would just stay home and hide from people or do things that are very isolationistic.

[doyathink]

Good for you Ren! What a wonderful change in your attitude. You go girl...I wish you all the best of luck.

[renaissancewoman101]

DYT, thanks for the good wishes. Yes, I am glad to be getting out there and meeting people. I hate my job but having social events helps me get on with life. I look at my job as just a job, deal with it, make some money, for now.

 

Yes, I am excited about going to that event on Aug 2nd and 3rd. It will be nice to meet new people who like similar things, and hopefully I can make some friends.

 

It's hard for me to get out of my shell. When I get nervous, I tend to retreat and hide, but if I keep doing that, I'm going to be a lonely woman.

[doyathink]

You're right. And the best part is, you're meeting ppl who like the same things you do. One of the key points in a good relationship.