close friendship with ex drifiting...

[chcgoguy202]

Here's my current situation.

 

I have a horrible habit of rambling on, so bear with me. haha

 

 

Almost 2 years ago I met a girl (I was 24 and she was on the cusp of turning 21), and right off the bat we really clicked with each other and after about spending almost a month of basically "seeing each other", we started officially dating. During the time we were "seeing" each other I had brought up the subject of what was going on between us once or twice and we both agreed that we really liked one another and all that, but that was about it. Then a week or so after we last talked about it, in an almost awkward teenager sort of way, she asked me if I'd be her boyfriend, and so that was that.

 

So anyway, she was in a bit of a transitional period in her life at this time, having been let go from the job she was working for a really stupid reason and she was going through some financial difficulties and was having a hard time finding a new job, so she made the decision to move back home for a bit. Obviously I was a bit concerned as to how this would affect things between us since we just started a new relationship, but since it would only be 60 miles away and there was a commuter train that went to her town and the fact that she would have a car while back home, she assured me that things would be ok.

 

Even though it was a bit hard at times because her schedule at her new job clashed with my work schedule, we still managed to see each other pretty frequently. The only thing that kind of bugged me was that when she would come see me, we only had a limited amount of time together, so most of the times it was just me and her, so we never really got to spend a lot of time getting to do things as a group...meaning I never really met too many of her friends and vice versa, and she didn't really have any friends back home since they all lived here, so when I'd go out there to see her, it was always just us two. She still managed to stay over at my place many many times, but the next day, she always had to leave a bit early because she had to be to work at a certain time or if it was during the week, I'd have to be up early for work and I'd let her sleep and then she would just head back home after she woke up.

 

We always got along very very well and always had fun together no matter what we did...yeah, sure, we had our little tiffs here and there, but what couple doesn't, but after about 6 months, things got a bit weird. She came over one day and I could tell she had a lot on her mind, so we talked. She explained to me that she felt her heart just wasn't into the relationship, and she needed a bit of "alone" time to sort things out and figure out what direction in life she wanted to go in, but she made a point many times that she wanted us to still stay very good friends and continue to talk and spend time together...just not in such a "boyfriend girlfriend" sort of way. Obviously I was a bit upset by this, but I really had no choice in the matter and I respected her decision, but we still remained VERY close.

 

Well, not much really changed. There was a bit of a lull between us for about a week or so, but she still continued to call me just as much and we still saw each other just as much and kind of went back to doing all the things a couple does together. We were still just as affectionate and sexual with each other and whatnot, so I guess you could say we took a step backwards and went back to just "seeing" eachother.

 

So, this went on for about 5 more months, but there were little lulls here and there where we didn't always talk/see each other, but out of the blue, she'd come back around and tell me she missed me and she wanted to see me asap. Then one day she called me and seemed a bit irked about something and she told me that I was treating her too much like her girlfriend and I got a bit mad at her and asked her how was I supposed to treat her when we still acted like a couple and did all the same things a couple does. I told her that if she just wants us to be friends and nothing else, then so be it and I would leave everything up to her as far as us hanging out and talking. Well, 2 weeks had passed and we only talked a few times and then she called me one day and wanted to come over, so she picked me up from work, we hung out and ended up having sex and she stayed over because she didn't work until later the next day. This was this past November and it would be the last time we were "intimate" together.

 

Through the whole month of December we didn't see each other at all, but on Christmas day, we were texting back and forth and she told me that she missed me and jokingly asked if I would come see her right now. She spent NYE back home with a couple of her co-workers, which I was hoping we could spend it together, but no big deal I guess. Well, out of the blue in early January of this year, she decided that after about a year of living back home, she had enough. She moved back to the city and got a job transfer. I don't blame her because she didn't have many friends back home and there really wasn't a whole lot to do.

 

She came by a few days after she moved back and we had a long talk about things. Basically she wanted us to really really try and stay great friends, and that we couldn't go back to just kind of "casually" seeing each other in that sense. I know that she still had a lot of strong feelings for me because there was some talk of possibly getting back together somewhere down the road and there was talk about if either of us decided we wanted to start seeing other people, that we would tell one another, so I don't know...it was a bit of a confusing situation. That was actually the last time I kissed her. She came over 2 more times after that to hang out. One of them being a random "pop-in" because she was really sick and didn't have her bed set up at her apartment yet, so she wanted to stay over and get some decent sleep instead of sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag.

 

From then on, we continued to talk and hang out quite a bit. Nothing "more" happened between us, but we shared a pretty close friendship and had a certain level of closeness to our friendship...meaning that we still had that "comfort" level between us, we were still a bit "touchy feely" and kinda "cutesy" with each other, and after we'd be done hanging out, we would always share a nice, long hug and there was no problem with me giving her a little kiss on the cheek goodnight. There were even a couple time where we watched a movie and cuddled together and it was no big deal. In this whole time, neither of us dated anyone else, went on dates with anyone else or had any interest in anyone else.

 

This went on until early May of this year, and there were even 2 times where I had to help her out of a bit of a jam she had gotten herself into. One required me to lend her some money which I was more than happy to help out, and another time something happened and I had to leave work early in the day and I ended up spending about $60 in cab fare, but again...I was more than happy to help her out and I knew she greatly appreciated it, and all the times we hung out and did things, I always picked up the tab which was never a problem. Like I said...we still shared a very close friendship. It was a bit frustrating though, because it seemed like we were always a click away from something more between us, but it ended up not happening.

 

Well, coming into early May, things between us started to drift a bit. We weren't talking and hanging out as much and I got a bit upset over that and we had a couple little arguments about it. I think I was just being a bit selfish and I still felt like she had to put me first, but we got past it and it was no big deal. Then she had quit her current job and got a new full-time job and even started a part-time job, so she was working about 65 hours a week. Needless to say, a lot of things changed. I would only talk to her a couple times throughout May, and towards the end of the month, I got a bit mad at her again over it. I knew that she wasn't totally swamped with work and she had little pockets of time here and there to still hang out with people and again, I got a bit selfish and wondered why we hadn't hung out in a while and that we hardly talk anymore. I actually had to do this through e-mail because I never knew when she was free, so the easiest way to get a hold of her was by e-mail.

 

She wrote me back saying how incredibly busy she was and she was always exhausted and that she was sorry that she couldn't give me the kind of friendship I wanted, and also in that time, she had started kind of seeing someone else. It was weird, because I was ok with her seeing someone. I pretty much knew that anything more between us was never going to happen and that eventually one of us was going to get something going with a new person. I wrote her back saying that I was ok with her seeing someone but I expressed my concern at how this would affect our friendship considering for the past 5-6 months we were still very close and that now there's someone new in the picture, it changes things because I was the last person she dated.

 

There was no reply to that and I just fell into this weird depression where I felt like I was all alone and I was always having this panicked feeling that I would never see her or talk to her again and that I totally lost my best friend. I even got a bit angry because I felt kicked to the curb and that I wasn't important to her anymore and our friendship was meaningless to her now. Even though I totally understand the circumstances, I couldn't help but have those feelings. We always talked about that if either of us started dating someone else, that we'd still stay great friends and we're both of the mindset that there's nothing wrong with us still talking and hanging out on occasion if there's another person in the picture and I know her current boyfriend is still pretty good friends with on of his exes, so it's not like we had to cut off all ties, but I still felt really terrible about it all because everything changed so fast and so dramatically that it was hard to take in all at once.

 

The only times we really talked throughout June were like maybe once or twice a week, just chatting online. It was just normal chi-chat, nothing special, but then over 4th of july weekend we ended up hanging out twice and t was a bit odd at first. I hadn't seen her in almost 2 months, but we still got along just fine and after the first few minutes, that "comfort" level came back and it was good to see her and get to hang out and talk. I did express my concern over things about our friendship and how I felt like we'd never talk or hangout again, and all she had to say was that I need to understand the situation with everything. I told her I did, but it was just tough because before all of this and for a long time, we were like "this" I made the "crossed fingers" gesture. I told her that I knew that because of someone else that it does change things and we wouldn't get to talk and see each other as much as before but I was just having a rough time dealing with the sudden change. It was kind of left at that, and even though we were getting along like "old times", she seemed a bit different towards me, which I guess is understandable. Also, she doesn't work the second job anymore because it was too much for her to handle. I told her that I hoped it won't be another 2 months before we can hang out again and she said that since she has a lot more free time, it shouldn't be a problem.

 

Since then we talked a few times online, and now, all of a sudden, I'm really having a hard time dealing with the fact that she is with someone else. At first it didn't bother me, but now, on top of the fact that it feels like I lost my best friend...I'm constantly thinking to myself, "oh my god, all the things we used to share and used to do...she's doing with someone else." and I feel like I'm nothing to her anymore because we don't talk all that much. Again, I totally understand all the circumstances at hand, I know that a new person does change things, and in reality, I know that she still sees me as a good friend, but it's just all so different now. It's not like it used to be and I'm having the worst time with it. I've even had to take a backseat to her other friends as well and that's hard to deal with too.

 

I know that deep down inside I still have a lot of strong feelings for her, but I've accepted the fact that there will never be anything more between us and I knew that in time, she would date again, but I became to accustomed to us still always talking and spending time together, and I'm terrified of "letting go" because my biggest fear is our friendship getting to the point to where we end up rarely talking anymore and never getting to hang out again and almost becoming like acquaintences. I also know that if it was me dating someone else that things would be different, but regardless...she's become such an important person to me and we've gotten so close that she will always remain high on my list as someone who I still want to keep in close contact with and still talk to and see as regularly as possible.

 

It's not that I think we should go "no contact" for a while because that would make things worse, but yeah...I guess it was a bit hard to see her and see how different things between us were, but still...she's become one of my best friends and I still like talking to her and hanging out because we still do get along great and always have fun, but I don't know...it's just become like torture to me, always wondering when I'll talk to her again. It's funny, because I know that deep down inside, I think she still harbors a lot of strong feelings for me as well, and due to our history and all the up's and down's we've had, I know she still has a huge soft spot in her heart for me, but she knows that something more would probably not work again, so she really had no choice but to move on in her own way and start dating again.

 

 

I'm really sorry for writing a short novel, but there's just so much going through my head that I needed to get it all out. I've talked to a another close female friend of mine about this and I'm sorry to say, she wasn't much help.

[Haven]

There's this thing called "moving on". I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but it doesn't seem like there's any other option. If she is dating other guys (or even just hanging out with other people) and that is torturing you, then you need to find some way to move on from her.

 

I know you might think that there is no way you'll find someone like her again, that you'll never find someone who can be your best friend like that again, etc. Well, it's not true. The only this will be true is if you continue to spend the rest of your life pining after the same girl that you can never be with. Yeah, you won't ever find someone exactly like her. But you can find someone who complements you as well as (or even better than) she ever did.

 

It just honestly sounds like you're going through the motions of a breakup, but you are trying very hard not to actually break up with her. I wanted to stay friends with my ex, but he just completely cut me off. I had to find a way to deal with those feelings of panic that I was never going to see or talk to him again, that I was never going to be with him again, that at best we were going to be acquaintances who would exchange awkward greetings in the hallway. There wasn't any easy "oh, I'll just call him on the phone and talk to him for a bit".

 

I'm sorry, I know you hate to hear this, but you cannot put her at the top of your priority list (or even close to it) if you want to have any hope of moving on. You have to let that strong emotional attachment fade, or it will be awful for you when she starts getting serious with another guy. How negatively do you feel when thinking about her getting married to another guy and spending the rest of her life with him? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling like that whenever she starts getting serious with another guy, knowing that that guy will never again be you? Think about it.

[chcgoguy202]

I totally understand what you're saying, and I think in a way, I am going through the motions of a breakup. I mean, if you think about it...we never really did "technically" breakup. We went from dating to being close friends and still spending a lot of time together, but with out the "romantic" stuff.

 

The thing is, is that all this talk about us staying close friends no matter what all came from her, and since she started dating someone else, she's done all of the initiating of contact. I've never once called, texted, instant messaged or anything since this...it's all been her doing, and I'm fine with it...like I said, we still get along great, but it just has to be as pals and I need to be ok with what she has going on now.

 

I know that I'm still very attached to her and I still have a lot of strong feelings for her, and she's moved on and feels differently now, and has felt differently for a while, but the hard part now is trying to become less attached to her and be ok with us still talking and occasionally hanging out.

 

It is a tricky situation though, because on one hand, I'd hate to lose a good friend, but at the present moment it's still a sensitive issue.

 

I guess it's just tough going from one extreme to another with a person and it almost feels like I don't know what hit me.

 

I'm sure that all it's going to take is time.

[Haven]

Maybe you could try to get closer to some of your other friends, so that you're hanging out with them more? That way you will occasionally have a good reason to *not* hang out with her or talk to her on the phone, which would definitely help with lessening your attachment to her.

 

I just really hope you don't turn out like my guy friend, who is still very attached to his best female friend, even though they only dated very briefly. They still hang out all the time, but he is having extreme difficulty moving on because he is around her so much. The saddest part is that he is now considering dating other women (or at least getting to know other women), but he doesn't know any. He let countless opportunities to connect with new women slip away, because he was so focused on trying to get back together with his ex. Now he has no prospects, no interests, nothing.

[chcgoguy202]

Well, it's not like I'm a total shut-in or anything. I'm still out and about doing stuff with friends and all, and I actually was kinda seeing someone briefly, but I just wasn't into it. Not because of lingering issues with "her", but we just didn't have enough in common or anything like that.

 

I know I'm sort of playing with a double edged sword. On one hand, I'm still very attached to her and all, but on the other hand, I still want to maintain a good friendship with her, and I know she does too. Hence all the contact coming from her.

 

It's not like we still constantly talk or hangout. We talk about once or twice a week and even though it's been like 2 weeks since we hung out, i'm sure something will come up soon again and we'll go grab a bite to eat or whatever, but again...I'll leave all that up to her.

 

Like I said...even though I still enjoy our friendship but I still have all this attachment and feelings, I guess it's just going to take a bit of time before we can talk/hangout and I'm 100% ok with it just being that and me not dwelling on what we used to have.

[penelope13]

it really sounds as if you have't realized yet that you have broken up, rationally you know, but emotionally you haven't lived through it yet. it's tough to let someone go especially if there was not a really serious issue; maybe take some time just for yourself before starting to reevaluate if you still want to be friends with her