he's dead...

[soitgoes]

i'm so distraught, i don't know what to do..

 

I got word that my Ex BF just killed himself (hanging). This was within hours of me leaving his house. I don't know specifics and I heard it through the grapevine but I think it's true. His mom called me earlier today and asked if I knew where he was. Then later at 2am, a friend stopped by to see how I was doing and she delivered the news.

 

I don't know what would make him do this to himself. I keep thinking it was because I was so awful to him when I left his house. He was being so sweet and affectionate and I thought he was just trying to get down my pants so once things got awkward, I just got up and left. He said see you later. I said nothing. I walked out of his house without looking back.

 

I feel so awful. I'm still in disbelief. Denial.

 

I spent the past 2 years trying to get over him, being his fwb, just holding on to hope that there was something left between us. I finally just started getting over him recently, doing NC so I could heal myself. And now this happens.

 

I don't want to write more because I think it will just make it all that more real. I really wish this was just some kind of joke... a part of me still holds on to that hope that it is.

 

Any advice, support, whatever, would be really appreciated. I'm hurting so badly I can't breathe.

[arwen]

Hey girl, I am so sorry that this happened. Please don't blame yourself for this- this must have been building up in him (depression, seeing no other way out) for a longer time, and is probably related to issues that you may not even be aware of because he kept them inside.

 

I know writing it down or even speaking about it will make it more real than you want it to be, still I think it's good to not bottle up the pain. Have you been in touch with his parents since? Is there someone with you?

[Pocket Rocket]

Hun this is terrible news and I can't imagine how you feel right now. I think you should wait a short while in case his family calls to give you the news, he may just be in the hospital and your friend got the wrong message. I have never been in this situation so I wouldn't know if calling his mother is a good idea. If it's true she might be too distraught right now to want to talk about it.

 

However, I'm going to say outright what many here will probably repeat - it's not your fault. This is going to take some time for you to feel okay about because not only do you have to deal with loss but you will doubtlessly feel guilty. And I'm going to repeat what I said - it's not your fault.

 

For example, Imagine your ex had a potentially fatal disease since birth, like a tendency towards high cholesterol. Imagine you didn't know about it and you cooked unhealthy treats for him once in a while. You knew it wasn't healthy but you knew he liked them so you did it anyway. Then one day he dies of a heart attack - was his death entirely your fault when you didn't know about the underlying problem? I know it's a far-fetched analogy, but you didn't know hun, you just didn't know.

 

If your ex did end his life it is because he was very ill. The seeds of self destruction were planted long before you came into the picture. Most people who commit suicide don't do it because of one life event, betrayal and abandonment issues begin long before we even start exploring relationships with other people.

 

It is going to be very hard to get over this but one day you'll need to accept that his life was not your responsibility, not to the extent that it meant life or death for him. No one should ever have that responsibility on their shoulders (unless you are the parent of a young child or caring for someone who is completely dependent).

 

If you can afford it, I'd look into getting grief counselling or group meetings for people going through grief. Eventually you must let go of your guilt and forgive yourself, and that will be a great challenge in your life. The myriad of feelings that follow grief will come in time and eventually you'll move on. FOr now, give yourself as much time as you need, and a lot of love.

[lovemycoffee41]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but you need to realize, like others have reiterate, it isn't your fault! Not in anyway, shape or form, do you blame yourself. He made the decision to do this. You had NOTHING to do with it. This was HIS (poor) choice, his choice alone.

 

Definitely get some counseling, grief counseling is a great resource and something you may get a lot out of. Keep coming here to post your feelings and thought, we're here for you. Good luck and keep us posted. You WILL get through this! I promise.

[soitgoes]

Thanks everyone. This is all just so surreal.

 

Up until now, I was thinking of ways to get him out of my life so I could finally move on from him. And now, I'd do anything to have him back. It really makes me wish that I didn't listen to all the NC stuff I read here. I could've dealt with all the pain I was feeling from feeling rejected or confused. At least I would've been honest with my feelings. This pain is so much worst. I put on this front of not caring about him, not wanting him, not needing him, all to get him back and of course.. now he's gone for good. I know I sound really bitter, but I just can't help it. Anyway, thanks all for the encouraging words. It helped.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thanks everyone. This is all just so surreal.

 

Up until now, I was thinking of ways to get him out of my life so I could finally move on from him. And now, I'd do anything to have him back. It really makes me wish that I didn't listen to all the NC stuff I read here. I could've dealt with all the pain I was feeling from feeling rejected or confused. At least I would've been honest with my feelings. This pain is so much worst. I put on this front of not caring about him, not wanting him, not needing him, all to get him back and of course.. now he's gone for good. I know I sound really bitter, but I just can't help it. Anyway, thanks all for the encouraging words. It helped.

 

Please do not think that contact would have changed anything. You did not cause him to do this. People who do this are very very troubled souls...and had you continued to put up with him using you for sex you would have wallowed in the same pit as him. Nobody should have to sacrifice their self-esteem in order to cater to someone's fragile ego and prevent them from committing suicide. No contact was indeed the way to go because he was dragging you down and making you feel badly about yourself...that was because he felt badly about himself and he needed someone to join him on the misery merry-go-round. Please talk to some kind of grief counsellor who specializes in dealing with the issues of suicide. Go to your local hospital and find out where you can talk to bereavement counsellors or find support groups for people dealing with the suicide death of someone they know.

[Supa_gurl]

I am sorry to hear this. I know the pain you are going through. Please do not blame yourself. It is easy to say, but harder to do, believe me, I KNOW. The pain will get worse, then better, then worse again. Just prepare yourself for the grief that follows. Hang in there. I will be praying for you and his family. ((hugs))

[CallingAllAngels]

I am so sorry for you pain. I understand your pain as well. I am a suicide survivor. Twenty five years ago my boyfriend killed himself right after we broke up. I know what you are going through.

 

Please don't blame yourself. We are not responsible for the actions of others. Only ourselves. There was nothing you could have done differently. Don't relive those last moments with him. Remember him for what you had.

 

I wouldn't wish this type of grief on anyone.

 

Godspeed to you...

 

~Allie

[nutbrownhare]

When someone close to us commits suicide, I'm not sure there are words which really describe the total, utter devastation we experience and it's completely understandable that you want to turn the clock back. The fact that you left his house feeling awkward is adding to your guilt ... but this really, really isn't anything to do with you. Suicide doesn't arise because of one argument or disagreement, but as an expression of that person and the decisions they have made about their world. His despair started long before he ever met you.

 

Many people have a pattern of suicidal behaviour - if your b/f's attempt hadn't succeeded this time, he'd probably have gone on to repeat it. From personal experience, there is NOTHING so frightening, demoralising and plain crazy-making as living with someone who is working towards their own destruction.

 

CrazyboutDogs suggested finding grief/bereavement counselling - please do it if you feel able.

 

Feeling for you in this nightmare ...

[soitgoes]

Don't relive those last moments with him.

 

This is exactly what I'm doing. It's so hard not to do. As far as I know I was the last person to be in contact with him. I wasn't acting like myself then either. I was so cold. I was being so selfish.

 

I know I have to accept that I'm not responsible, but I regretted my behavior that day even before I knew about his passing. I had planned on apologizing and explaining my actions. Now I feel a million times worst about it.

 

In my mind I know I'm not to blame, yet somehow it makes it easier for me to cope with the sudden loss, like it is an explanation for what happened.

 

I don't know what I'm saying really. I'm so confused about how I feel.

 

Thanks for the support everyone.

[CallingAllAngels]

This is exactly what I'm doing. It's so hard not to do. As far as I know I was the last person to be in contact with him. I wasn't acting like myself then either. I was so cold. I was being so selfish.

 

I know I have to accept that I'm not responsible, but I regretted my behavior that day even before I knew about his passing. I had planned on apologizing and explaining my actions. Now I feel a million times worst about it.

 

In my mind I know I'm not to blame, yet somehow it makes it easier for me to cope with the sudden loss, like it is an explanation for what happened.

 

I don't know what I'm saying really. I'm so confused about how I feel.

 

Thanks for the support everyone.

 

 

You have a lot of emotions that you are going to go through.

 

Is there someone close to you that you can talk to about this?

 

None of this will seem real to you for a while.

 

Stay close to this board...post often...let us know how you are doing.

 

Take good care

 

Allie

[Dagless]

There is a quote that I have as my signature that I keep there to remind me of why we blame ourselves for things that happen.

It is so easy to look back and say you should have done this or you should have said that. We always have a vision of how thing are going to turn out and then when suddenly we are handed a death in such a sudden way it's like someone has just put a fullstop on the story and closed the book and we are left wondering what the hell happened. You may think that you could have stopped what was about to happen but how could you have known what he was about to do? It was completely out of your control so don't blame yourself.

 

I can't imagine the flood of emotions you must be feeling right now but don't be afraid to get help from counselling if you need to or just talking to someone about.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[soitgoes]

I'm feeling really sick, because I was trying so hard to be NC with him and basically leave him behind and get on with my life... and now it seems that's exactly what I got.

 

I don't blame myself for what he did. but I do feel terribly guilty. I don't know if that makes sense. It feels like, in the future I will always question each of my actions, like if I'm being more selfish that I ought to be. I will always regret not having been there for him. I feel damaged.

 

He was my best friend and I became selfish because of my pain of our relationship. I guess in a way, he did the same, except his pain was so much more far reaching and desperate. I miss him so much.

[tiredofvampires]

Oh, my heart goes out to you! I can see how this would leave you with such a feeling of "what ifs" and "if only's" that only get thicker and thicker as you turn them over and over in your head. But just know that this is a universal reaction to someone's suicide, someone you were so close to. No matter what, you will be questioning and dissecting every word you said, every inflection. Each and every thing will seem wrong, like something else should have been said or done instead, and what's important to keep in mind is that NOTHING would have seemed right no matter what you did, given that he did this. If it wasn't this straw, it would have been that straw.

 

And I know this is hard to hear, but -- given the limits of your knowledge at the time -- it really wasn't your job at this point to be "there for him", not knowing what was going through his mind. You were trying to extricate yourself from a situation where you'd come to feel emotionally downtrodden and hopeless, wanting to have more respect for yourself. You had every right to be trying to do this, given the relationship was what it was, and that it was deeply unsatisfying. You were feeling resentful about things, which is normal and took the opportunity to go with that feeling, just as countless people in messy breakups do. Please keep at the forefront of your thoughts that it wasn't for you to be a mindreader, a crystal ball gazer at the time you weren't feeling charitable to him, you were just trying to deal with the residual bad feelings engendered by a not-so-healthy relationship (which he was a part of and played an equal role in up to that point, with that dynamic.) All the dynamics of the seesaw, the difficulties of NC, the breaking of NC, the wanting to resume it and having to shut oneself down coldly in order to do so that we see SO muc h of on ENA was par for the course of your struggling to extricate yourself...and so you couldn't possibly have known or seen that this was in the equation. I'm sure if you had known the extent of his troubled mind, you would have behaved differently, so don't say you weren't there for him. This was a fluke, a wildcard, you were there for him to the extent that ex's are there or not there with all kinds of mixed emotions. Separate out your relationship dyamics from the shock of what has just happened, since your past with him is not and was not any more your fault than his and the way that last conversation played out was just an extension of all that had come before. We are all selfish in ways, we all get hurt in relationships that don't work out and express that hurt in less than ideal ways sometimes (especially when feeling rejected or confused about love) -- but how could anyone foresee this? So start being forgiving to yourself this very minute. You didn't wish this upon him, you didn't will it to happen, this is not something you brought upon either of you by your behavior.

 

Right now, you just have to focus on holding tight during this storm. It's going to be rough and throw a lot at you. And as others have said, this likely will be overwhelming, so don't try to do this yourself. You should definitely seek out counselling as soon as possible, and I mean this week if you can, because these things have a way of taking their toll if you don't talk about them and process them starting with the state of disbelief you're in right now.

 

Keep posting here, and remember, you were just trying to spare your heart at the time. Keep writing, keep talking to close friends, keep your heart open now to all that you're experiencing, but make sure you stay safe. Don't isolate yourself now. Also, to that end, a suicide survivors support group can be very helpful, since every member there knows exactly what you are going through and can hold your hand through this despair.

 

My thoughts are with you!

[thejigsup]

A healthy person does not kill themselves over a breakup. They hurt, but they survive. Please know that there were other issues in his life that made him do that. It would have happened no matter what you did. Suicide is a personal act, it had nothing to do with anything you did or did not do. The fact that you feel the way you do shows that you are a person with a true, loving, heart. Don't lose that. It is more valuable than all the money in the world.