lovecrazy Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Out of me being curious... I have a co worker who is divorced from his wife. They still live together, in the same house. They have two kids together, and stay together because of the kids. The kids believe they are still marred. Which in all honest, him and I have discussed it, he says he is happy in his current situation, and he doesnt see a change, or moving out anytime soon. I know he has sexual relations outside of his "home life", for her I dont know. Didnt ask not my business. My questions are these. Is it healthy? Can they keep up the "story" at home? Will it help or hurt the kids in the long run? Do you know people who keep this same story up? Is it working? And how does it work? I am not judging him, I believe its a "noble" thing he is doing, he stated "Her and I get along better now then we did when we were married. My kids are happy, and I get to see my kids everyday" I believe its a situation that can benefit, him and his kids. Its easier then it sounds... Thoughts? Thanks... Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 I think it's ridiculous.. How old are the children? If he and his 'ex wife' have to pretend to be married for the sake of the children, are they pretending to sleep in the same bed as well? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Kids are not that stupid, they will figure it out if they haven't already..then they will be upset that their parents lied to them. Link to comment
lila... Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 I don't think they're doing their kids any favors. The children are going to grow up and learn the truth eventually, and when they do they'll probably hold feelings of resentment (at the least) for being lied to. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 I'm just wondering, how do you know that he is really divorced? Link to comment
lovecrazy Posted July 20, 2008 Author Share Posted July 20, 2008 He has told me that they sleep in different beds in the house, and different floors of his house. He has told me, and a co worker is really good friends with him, told me he was there while in court getting the divorce. I think its a very strange situation. But honestly if it came to the point of not seeing my kids everyday or there was a risk of it, I wouldnt leave my home life. If I had any kids, they feelings and their life, would be more important than mine. the way he explained it, him and his wife, have a relationship minus the sex...they do the normal family things, and the normal home life. I agree kids are not as stupid I think the kids will one day find out the truth... Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 He has told me that they sleep in different beds in the house, and different floors of his house. He has told me, and a co worker is really good friends with him, told me he was there while in court getting the divorce. I think its a very strange situation. But honestly if it came to the point of not seeing my kids everyday or there was a risk of it, I wouldnt leave my home life. If I had any kids, they feelings and their life, would be more important than mine. the way he explained it, him and his wife, have a relationship minus the sex...they do the normal family things, and the normal home life. I agree kids are not as stupid I think the kids will one day find out the truth... IMO, there wouldn't be any need for a divorce if all was hunky dorey at the house..... Link to comment
Clementine orange Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Kids are going to grow up with a very skewed version of what marriage should be like thats for sure. I dont' know, I can see it as a temporary arrangement but in the long term....I don't think I could live that way. Link to comment
unabashed Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Except for the fact that they actually got the divorce, they aren't so different from a lot of people who stay together for the kids and cheat on their spouses. And, some people who are "poly" would even come to some agreement about the sex with other people. I think it's an odd arrangement, but I find it hard to criticize a situation where children are being raised by loving parents who are trying to do the best for them. Maybe the divorce actually helped their relationship, as parents and friends--he said as much, right? It leaves me wondering about the future, and the possibility that one or both of them might meet someone else. But, I've seen much less healthy situations. I hope it works out for all of them. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 I knew someone in this exact situation, even including the thing about 'the kids don't know we're separated...' But turns out the WIFE didn't know they were separated either. The husband was just telling other women he was separated when he really wasn't, because he wanted to live a double life and sleep with other women on the side. What was amazing is he found quite a few women who believed this story. He would tell his wife he was working late or on a business trip, and he would tell the other women that he had to go sleep at home every night because the kids 'still think we're together.' (and so did the wife, but of course he didn't tell the OW that.). So this guy of yours could be a huge liar, and having some buddy back up his story so his bud gets some action on the side. If the guy is genuinely divorced, the records will be at the courthouse (and are public records). So trot down to the courthouse of the county he lives in before you agree to date the guy. Odds are good he's not really divorced, and besides, who wants to sign up to be part of that three ring circus? Let us know what you find out! I busted the guy who was doing this by a trip to the courthouse... was well worth the hour or two it took to go down to the courthouse to smoke this guy out... Link to comment
Jetta Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 No they can't keep it up forever. My ex and I lived together for 4 months following our quickie divorce. He did start dating while I was still living there. We quit having sex, but shared a bed. I was supprised someone would date him under those conditions but they did, lasted a year. Just makes it harder to move on IMO. Easier financially though. Link to comment
redhearts Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Why do people assume kids are dumb and will just go along with things? Kids are more intelligent than most things, I personally think the whole situation is unhealthy! Because be truthful, they aren't living their own lives (the parents) and plus there will be a day to break the truth, & guess what I have heard its easier when they are younger than older. Because by the time they are older they will be used to it, and it will be odd. When they are younger its kind of a oh okay, I guess sort of thing. I think they do it just for financial reasons and play a role. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 It could be a huge lie. If it isn't, they're not doing themselves or their kids any good. The kids will be messed up about the whole thing, and the parents aren't really moving on and making a new life for themselves. I know a family where it turned out the husband had a second family in another city. The woman in the other town had a son a couple of months younger than the son in his first family, and there were also two daughters in the first family. The parents stayed together, the dad living in the basement and the mom upstairs. The 3 kids were all in their late teens or early twenties at the time and they hated their father and had no respect for their mom for staying in the same house as him. I think situations like this result in very dysfuntional children. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 btw, his other motivation for telling this story at work (even if he's not trying to date you) is that he may be trying to meet women at work to date (since it is easy to spend time with women there to break the ice and talk them into a date). If it's known he's married, it would reflect badly on him at work if other people knew he was cheating, or caught him out cheating with someone he worked with and called his wife, so he comes up with this cover story about being married but 'not really.' So nobody thinks there's anything wrong with him being seen dating other women (or hitting on them). sadly, it happens a lot... some people are just more bald faced liars than others... or sociopaths. Link to comment
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