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I have no heart


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Basically being sexually confused and having issues being initmate has left me alone for some time, the only relationships i've had would be when girls would have a crush on my in Highschool and we would be talking for an extended period of time, just hanging out and stuff, sense ive gotten away to college i've left myself alone, and haven't pursued anything or anyone, i ont know whether to pursue females or males, my attractions are with females but the physical stuff is always hard or for me, SO anyway i've gone 22 years without any kind of real romantic or serious intimate relationship with another person, and its very sad and lonely, It's made me invest me effort into things that don't really matter as much, like life outside relationships and sex, school....friends.....alcohol...music, which are good things to be into but a part of me looks at the degree in which i get into these things and the importance i place on my friendships and wonder if its related to my lack of intimacy with anyone, i know over the years it become increasinly difficult for me to just have a 'friend', as in even when i talked and meet people for the first time i have trouble just walking away from someone and leaving at that, just a aquantance. I think my lack of personal relationships has led me to this where i can't just be an aquantance or casual friend to anyone, i get pissed when they dont call, and i am easily cut off from feelings for them because i demand so much out of the friendship, which i think once again is from a need for an intimate relationship. I think my lack intimacy has taken a toll on my entire life!!!!, me and parents relationships are very damaged, i cut away from my mom because when i dont have someone in my life the idea of being close to her scares me, so i keep away. Its not that i want someone in my life to fix problems, or fix me in anyway, i just know that i am the type of person who wants and needs that kind of a relationship with someone in life and it hasn;t happened ever, turning me into someone i really am not happy being. Its like my confusion and my lack of effort on the subject has ended up really hurting my life in so many ways, i often wonder....since i've grown into a 22 year old who has never has intimacy with another person this must has shaped me into the miserable empty person i am today.

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