bingedrinking Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 How come women are always told "not to settle"? When it comes to men, I see advice like "lower your standards" and "it doesn't hurt to settle" and so on? Why is there a difference in the kind of advice given to men and women? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhearts Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Its thought to be that guys go way too far above their expections and some women are too afraid to do that, thereforee they get told don't settle. But men they say go a bit lower because your too confident in finding the right person that you want. Love has no limits, so all that mumble jumble people seem to believe is just not true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timebandit Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 How come women are always told "not to settle"? When it comes to men, I see advice like "lower your standards" and "it doesn't hurt to settle" and so on? Why is there a difference in the kind of advice given to men and women? Perhaps, because women are stuck with the children? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I always give the same advice to both men and women--never settle. I simply cannot see the point of being in a relationship over being single just for the sake of being in a relationship. I don't know why some people would give men and women different advice simply due to their gender...seems odd to me. If one believes people should lower their standards...then I'm not sure why they would apply it differently to men or women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 How come women are always told "not to settle"? When it comes to men, I see advice like "lower your standards" and "it doesn't hurt to settle" and so on? Why is there a difference in the kind of advice given to men and women? where do you see advice like, 'lower your standards?' i don't recall seeing men hear that. if you mean a guy who is flabby, out of shape, has bad teeth and bad credit, and he'll only date women who look like fashion supermodels and will overlook the nice girls because they have an extra 10 pounds on them, then yes, i would tell a guy like that to adopt more realistic standards. i've certainly seen guys who think that a fashion model is their due in life, and that's an unattractive attitude, especially coming from a guy who doesn't look like brad pitt himself. and if a woman only wants a man who looks like brad pitt, is as rich as bill gates, smart, sexy, cooks, cleans, speaks 10 languages, etc.... we'd tell her to maybe get more realistic standards to so she doesn't overlook the good guy sitting right next to her. i also heard of some book recently just telling women to settle, while they still can have children. i thought that kind of disturbing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 There is a difference in lowering your standards and being realistic, for men and women. I said this on another thread a few minutes ago. Some people have unrealistic standards and expect things from a mate they can't even give themselves. That is not realistic IMO. Most people in successful relationships have some type of equal parring. Those who want way above the scale than they are in terms of background, looks, money, etc end up waiting a very long time or forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaoticbaby Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 How come women are always told "not to settle"? When it comes to men, I see advice like "lower your standards" and "it doesn't hurt to settle" and so on? Why is there a difference in the kind of advice given to men and women? I don't think that that's the general consensus. I wouldn't expect a man to settle any more than I would expect a woman to. Why should anybody? That aside, there is such a thing as having standards that are *too* high, and a little ridiculous, and sometimes they need to be relaxed a little. That is, if you'll only date someone who has breasts like Jessica Simpson's, or if you think you can only be happy with a man who is both smart and funny... and rich... and a model.. and 6"5.. and loves animals... and saving himself for marriage... etc... all in one. I think as long as your standards are reasonable (decently good-looking, has a job, has morals, etc) then there is no reason to ever settle for less, regardless of your gender. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BetterKarma Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 How come women are always told "not to settle"? When it comes to men, I see advice like "lower your standards" and "it doesn't hurt to settle" and so on? Why is there a difference in the kind of advice given to men and women? I've never seen that kind of advice. Do you have any examples? I don't think the advice given are gender bias, but rather if a person's expectations are unrealistic, they should be brought down to reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 i also heard of some book recently just telling women to settle, while they still can have children. i thought that kind of disturbing. I read an article about that book. I thought it was disturbing too. But if that works for some women and makes them truly happy...more power to them, I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I read an article about that book. I thought it was disturbing too. But if that works for some women and makes them truly happy...more power to them, I guess. While i didn't agree either, i think the author felt she had a different definition of "settling" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haven Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Maybe it's related to the concept of men chasing after women (instead of women chasing after men)...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhearts Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 I agree with being realistic my friend in his 30s who hasn't had a real relationship, doesn't date very much and has still to lose it, well hes not being realistic. Honestly hes not the most handsomest or tallest guy out there, hes just not being realistic. Its all well and fine to think you can get a barbie doll, but truth is you can keep dreaming and wishing all you want, but unless you see things realisticly then your going to keep thinking that its settling to be realistic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D_Lish Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 *Only settle, for what you feel you deserve*. I'd say my standards were pretty high these days, but they aren't unrealistic as in I'm looking for Brad Pitt... I'd rather be alone for the rest of my days, than just settle for the sake of having someone around/being in a relationship, with someone I didn't really want to be with. Nobody would be single, if everyone just settled. Know I'd be a relationship now anyway, if I was just willing to settle for the first thing that came along.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 * Nobody would be single, if everyone just settled. Know I'd be a relationship now anyway, if I was just willing to settle for the first thing that came along.... Well, no, there are many reasons people are single, including desire to be single, mental or psychological issues that prevent people from connecting with others in a healthful way, bad luck or bad timing for a stretch of time, etc. I think most people settle at least a little bit - at least those who are honest as in "well he's not _____ but all the other things about him make up for it, and it's a sacrifice, I wish it were different, but I am willing to make that sacrifice." And I am talking about "real" sacrifices not "I wish he had blue eyes." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Yeah, this makes me think of an article I read (which may or may not be an excerpt from the book Annie is talking about) in which the author goes on and on about the virtues of "settling" to women who wants children, and a family. It bothered me, but mostly bc I found the woman still to be generally clueless in a lot of regards. Yet the impression I got was that she wasn't so much saying to "settle" for someone below your standards, but to re-examine your standards as far as what a relationship IS and what is important in a man. In short, if you want a family and a hubby, to look for the type of man who can first provide that, instead of waiting or chasing after the men who are more able to provide the storybook romance and rockhard abs. Men settling - since when is that a new concept?! I think the above applies to men too. "Settling" can mean setting your standards in the values and important aspects department, or it can mean looking at what is truly important in a woman in being able to provide a longer term, healthy relationship. As in, settling into a more family and long term life and so setting standards that are more in line with that, rather than the arm-candy or fun-times or whatever it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cimmie Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 I'm 35 and I feel pressure to 'settle'. I think a lot of women in their thirties feel this pressure as the bus to babyville passes them by. It's unlikely I will meet 'Mr. Right' in the next say, three years, so if I want to have a child I should go out and grab the next available fertile man, sink my claws into him, and mate in order not to end up a wizened childless old spinster... That's how the logic goes. Whereas, if I hold out for someone 'special' - I'll only have myself to blame for doing so. I think it's ridiculous, but I am very aware of that kind of desperation in women around me. And I sometimes have to fight against it myself. BTW, I'm surrounded by ordinary-looking men who believe a supermodel is their due. I think both sexes have highly unrealistic expectations about finding a partner and are very confused about what love actually is. I blame the 'celebrity' obsessed media Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Just to add to Cimmie's insights and maybe this is just my personal experience, but do you also know of several women who said they would never settle, and then, in their mid to late 30s, all of a sudden just happened to meet Mr. Right, and got married within a year..... but, knowing them, knowing the relationship - you just knew they were settling and not telling you (or maybe not themselves?). I can think of at least 5 examples of that in the past few years and I am not talking about the women who become more realistic and then meet someone who satisfies those realistic and heartfelt standards. I also know of the "opposite" where she really did meet her "the one" in her late 30s (on a rainy valentine's night in a laundromat!) and is now almost 41 and pregnant with her second child -- so i do have a point of comparison. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cimmie Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 on a rainy valentine's night in a laundromat! Sigh And I thought romance was dead Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 God, that stuff is kind of depressing. Cause there is some truth to it. If you want to have children from your own body, at some point within a certain time frame, you need a mate. Ok, for some the sperm bank or being a single mom (by choice) is fine and dandy. But what about us others? I don't want to be one of those women who settles. And yet, there is a part of me that wants to have children on my own. The only way I can make this not disturb me too much or cause a time crunch is to think of it in terms of "I'm ok with adoption, foster families, a nontraditional family". And I really am. But it *sucks* still to be a woman in this regard. To know you have a time frame to do things, and it is shorter than a man's. To make these major decisions, and get your ducks in a row. I mean, let's face it, not all of us are ready early on to start families. I know I haven't been. I'm not even ready now!! So yeah. My rant about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Well, I hope you take a lot of pride in the fact that you are willing to admit to yourself that you're not ready to start a family-- that can be so tough to admit that and to act on it rather than "ok it's time to have kids, ready or not" - your attitude is selfless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
civilservant Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Someone once said to me it's not about the time, it's about the person. When you meet the one you'll know you're ready to settle down. Until then, don't settle for anything else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Well, I hope you take a lot of pride in the fact that you are willing to admit to yourself that you're not ready to start a family-- that can be so tough to admit that and to act on it rather than "ok it's time to have kids, ready or not" - your attitude is selfless. Thank you for that. It isn't an easy thing to accept, but it's the truth. So at least with that, I've been able to make some changes. Just which the changes could come faster, with less work. lol. But this is who I am. And now I finally learn the value of having some faith. lol. ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Someone once said to me it's not about the time, it's about the person. When you meet the one you'll know you're ready to settle down. Until then, don't settle for anything else. Yes I disagree with the whole "you'll know when you know" - because I know of many people who had to have the right timing in their lives -whatever that meant to them - for some it meant finishing school, for others it meant being established in a career, for others it meant feeling comfortable that their elderly parents were taken care of financially, whatever. For others it meant doing the inner work first. The platitude of you'll know when you meet the one" is appealing because it doesn't require any active work on oneself, or any active mindset in general, it leaves it all up to fate, and it certainly has a romantic appeal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madmarten Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 Yes I disagree with the whole "you'll know when you know" - because I know of many people who had to have the right timing in their lives -whatever that meant to them - for some it meant finishing school, for others it meant being established in a career, for others it meant feeling comfortable that their elderly parents were taken care of financially, whatever. For others it meant doing the inner work first. The platitude of you'll know when you meet the one" is appealing because it doesn't require any active work on oneself, or any active mindset in general, it leaves it all up to fate, and it certainly has a romantic appeal. Batya, I agree have to agree with you here. I would also add that, it romanticises marriage a bit too much for me. Marriage is really hard work!! The lovey-dovey stuff only goes so far if other stuff isn't there to back it up. Also, my friend says that true love is a choice. This especially true in context of marriage. You take the good and the bad when you say "I do" and you better make sure you are ok with the bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 I know of many people who had to have the right timing in their lives -whatever that meant to them - for some it meant finishing school, for others it meant being established in a career, for others it meant feeling comfortable that their elderly parents were taken care of financially, whatever. For others it meant doing the inner work first. I agree. Up until recently, I used to think that when you meet the right person, things will follow from there. Well, I think that's only partly true. Timing (based on career and other considerations) and inner work (based on being 100% happy being alone and figuring out what I want in a relationship) are increasingly becoming important to me and I've come to realize that all of that has to fit with also meeting the right person (and I believe there are many potential "right people" rather than just one who is "the one"). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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