I'm So Confused

[mholstrom]

Hi Everyone,

 

My boyfriend of 5 years has been hurting me so bad lately- physically, verbally, and mentally. I have to admit, I've done some pretty stupid things, and he's had to put up with a lot of my crap, but I'm not sure if any of it justifies the way he's been treating me.

 

He's always had a temper, but when he's "himself" he's SO nice, kind, and respectful. He loves that I spend time with my family, he encourages that I go out with my friends, he sees a therapist 2 times a week, and acknowledges his faults.

 

I'm SO confused because he'll act so healthy one minute, then the next minute, when I'm not telling him the truth he wants to hear, it gets bad. 2 weeks ago, he saw an email from a from a friend, thought it was a guy I was sleeping with or something ( I wasn't) and he told me I had to tell him who the email was from, or else. I told him it was private between me and a female friend of mine (long story) but he didn't believe me and wanted to see the email. I said im not hiding anything, it's just private. He got SO mad he slammed my laptop into the wall twice, shattered and broke it, then threw me down twice. After we made up, he said he hates who he is when that happens.

 

Then, when we got home from vacation, he threw me down again at his house, because I did something to piss him off. He's been calling me a five year old, immature, bored, and all kinds of things. I've done my share of things, but im trying SO hard to be nice, to make up, and to put the past behind us. It seems all he's been doing is getting more and more annoyed and pissed off at me. We're doing a long distance right now, and we'd made a pact before I left 2 weeks ago that we'd move forward and be positive to each other. So far, everything I do makes him mad. I'm the one who calls, emails, and makes the effort, yet i still piss him off. I love him, he's my first boyfriend, and I"m so confused. I must sound so silly, but i'm so attached to him. by the way, i'm 25, and he's 36.. Can he change with therapy, and if we both make an effort, or will I be wasting my time trying with someone who will always be this way? As I said, i've done my share of things, but I'm TRULY trying so hard right now, and all he's been doing is disrespecting me back.

[Whiskers]

Nope, none of this is acceptable and though you say you love him and probably believe he loves you - this is NOT love. What he is doing will only get worse. Therapy or no therapy, it doesn't appear that he is getting a whole lot better.

I doubt you need to start making more of an effort, you sound like you have been but he needs to do something and he needs to do it fast.

The problem is, you don't say anything about fighting back and though I don't expect you to take him on, I wonder if you are just letting him get away with it. Has he come close to losing you? Have you ever come close to leaving?

Personally, I think whether you love him or not you need to get out...things are likely to get much worse and I worry for you. Physical abuse is not on (no abuse should be a allowed) but where there is violence or the promise of further more harsh violence, one has to look out for themselves and run.

XXXX

[mholstrom]

Thanks Whiskers. Your reply really hit home. I think physical violence, no matter what, is unaceptable.

 

He's been so cold to me lately, treating me more like a friend than a girlfriend. He's come close to losing me, but he always finds his way back, and I've let him.

 

It just really hurts me to have spent my early 20's with a man who seems to not really care.

[blackgnat]

Get away from him as soon as possible.

 

What right does he have to put his hands on you in violence or to mistreat you this way? Is this what you think love is? I could NEVER love someone who treated me like that.

 

This sounds like a very scary relationship. I'm glad he's far away from you. Keep it that way. Change whatever you can in terms of his being able to contact you.

 

Why are you making all (any?!) effort to keep in touch with him? What do you get in return?

 

He is your first boyfriend-maybe you don't understand that partners don't treat each other that way. This is NOT the norm and being the first doesn't mean he is allowed to abuse you. Look for a guy who is respectful and loving. Good people don't abuse the person they want to share their lives with.

[Whiskers]

You can chalk up your early 20's to experience and learn not to make the same choice again.

There is someone out there with a wonderful mix of affection, love, fairness and everything else you deserve, so stop letting him do this and walk away. No doubt he'll beg but he won't change and you deserve to be happy and well cared for.

XXXX