ctedde Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I left my wife 3 days ago. I'm a 30 year old married man with a 22 month old son and I'm in an abusive relationship. It took me a year to build up the courage to leave and now I've moved in with my brother. I'm having a hard time deciding whether to stay @ my brother's house or go home. She's calling me crying and telling me she realizes how much she messed up and that she'll keep her hands to herself when she's mad. She won't accuse me of sleeping around on her anymore. She won't be mad all the time. She sounds really sincere, but my family and friends tell me abusive people rarely change. I called the cops on her last year for acting psycho. She told me she would change if I didn't leave her. We had a great relationship for about 5 or 6 weeks after that. Then it went sour again. Just writing that out makes me feel like a chump. When I left her 3 days ago she grabbed my throat and squeezed really hard and threw a remote control at me really hard. Luckily it hit my shoulder instead of my face. If I'm at Walmart longer than she thinks I'm supposed to be, she wants to know who I'm sleeping with. But I've never even sent a girl a signal since we started dating. I get accused of sleeping around on her 3-4 times a week. Every week. I work 50 hours a week and go to school full time. She begs me to quit school because she says I don't spend enough time with my family. If I'm not at work or school, I'm usually at home. Maybe once a week I go to my brothers house. When I get back we get in an argument because she says I don't spend enough time with my family. She scares me sometimes. She's told me that if I ever cheat on her, she'll kill me. She's ran at me with scissors during an argument. She's hit me on top of the head with a 4-inch book very hard. She's repeatedly back-handed me while I was driving the family. She's head-butted me. She's punched me in the side of the head. She's kneed me. I've unloaded the pistol in the safe before after an argument because I'm not sure what her limits are. I know I sound really stupid for even considering going back. But the thought of being home with my son on my lap sounds really good. I really miss him. I miss him waking me up in the morning by banging a toy on my head. I miss his big smile. If my wife could control herself better, I might be able to put up with her to be around my son everyday. I know I should probably go ahead and get a divorce, but it would make me feel better to hear what you guys have to say. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 She needs psychological help. Perhaps you could try couple counselling or she could go for counselling and anger management, and you could taek it slow, not move in straight away, see her every now and then and see if she changes. Link to comment
kaoticbaby Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Honestly, if she is this abusive to you, I wouldn't put it past her to be like this to your son when he starts to get older. I think you should divorce her, and get a good lawyer. You are likely to win a custody battle if you can prove she is abusive. Then you can be with your son, and both of you can be away from her. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 you need to get away from her right now. usually it's the woman who is the abused one, but here you are. you need to get away from her, and maybe call a sheltered for battered women and tell them that you are a battered spouse and see what they recommend. i am reading a really good book right now, 'The gift of fear' and it has a whole section on abusive husbands, though some of the suggestions would be useful for men too. she has already tried to kill you, so going back is dangerous. please call a shelter and see what they recommend. if she is crazy and trying to kill you, you need to stay safe. restraining orders don't always work in these situations. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 She needs psychological help. Perhaps you could try couple counselling or she could go for counselling and anger management, and you could taek it slow, not move in straight away, see her every now and then and see if she changes. we wouldn't give this advice to a woman though, we would tell her to get the heck out of there. i agree, get a divorce and leave. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Have you spoken to anyone (professional) yet? I think you really should. The police is a start. Or a shelter. Or even a crisis line. The idea is to get resources in your city, available to you and help to do what you have to do. You were right to leave! You were right to leave! Those are unlivable conditions. And she is abusive. What is it that you want to do? Would you like to have your son living with you? She told me she would change if I didn't leave her. Classic! I've heard it all before. I grew up in conditions like this, where this is considered 'normal'. Well it isn't normal. And half the things an abuser says, are lies to cover up their own shame and fear and hate - all so that the horrible cycle can continue. It doesn't stop until people decide it will stop, and when they do, you know it. There is no pleading, crying, begging and dramatics. It's efficient and it is drastic and you will know it. Your wife is nowhere near ready. You - you sound ready for a real change. Your son doesn't have to grow up like this. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Honestly, if she is this abusive to you, I wouldn't put it past her to be like this to your son when he starts to get older. I think you should divorce her, and get a good lawyer. You are likely to win a custody battle if you can prove she is abusive. Then you can be with your son, and both of you can be away from her. I agree. Staying in this kind of relationship will not help your son. Abusers typically do the begging and crying and pleading and promising to change when the victim leaves...but once the victim comes back the cycle of abuse starts all over again and often even worse than before. See if there are some support groups for male victims of spousal abuse...and read up on abuse on the internet. Spousal abuse is the same whether the abuser is the husband or the wife so whatever you read pertaining to male abusers, just substitute female abusers. Also, do you think that she may be cheating on you? Often an abuser who carries on about their partner cheating is actually the one who is cheating. I would really suggest you contact any kind of abuse support group and find out how to go about ending the marriage while protecting your rights and getting custody of your child. To go back to this situation would be a very big mistake. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 yes - something else to think about - what if your son were a young man, and his gf were treating him like this. what would you do? would you allow the son to keep seeing this woman? or would you keep him as far away from her as possible? Link to comment
Whiskers Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I hate to admit it but I think your friends pretty much said it right - she won't change. Not only will she not change, there is nothing and no one who will stand in her way during her next mood. You need to get away from her because her behaviour will only escalate. It's got sod all to do with the amount of time you spend on study and working away from the family - this is who she is. Consider your son but don't go back to her for him. You need to find a way to make sure that during her next mood she doesn't look at him, see you and get more angry. Counselling is a must for her but it's not a miracle sure. It takes more than a sobbing abuser to convince anyone that they are ready to change and months of therapy doesn't even work if there isn't some desire for it. Think of yourself and your son. Get away and find someone else who loves you and knows how to show it. Don't suffer the marriage because of your son - she can't take him away from you. Believe that you deserve better. XXXX Link to comment
bellanicola003 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Well I thought I was bad with picking fights, saying ignorant things sometimes, and when I lost my temper I would throw something, hit my bf, etc. (This occurring only maybe 1 or 2x's a year), but that's 1 to 2 times too many and it scared me. I put myself in therapy to find out what my problem is though to help me and my family. It sounds like your wife needs to do the same. It's true that abusers will go back to their old ways, but I can tell you that I know of people who were abused as children, abused when they got older, got scared, got help, and have changed. It's possible that there are some deep rooted problems that your wife is dealing with, whether it be psychological or emotional. I would tell her that you're not coming home until you seek counseling and go for about a month before you go back home - that's only if she's changed. Tell her in a polite way that you think she has a problem and that you both need to go together to see someone. This way, she doesn't feel as though you're coming at her. They may even be able to put her on some medicine to help her. There's nothing to be ashamed of in taking medicine. I took some for my anxiety and then for my depression and came out of it. She may also be suffering from low self esteem issues with always wanting you around and wondering where you are! I was the same way and truly have no reason to have a low self esteem because I am a very attractive woman, educated through graduate school, have a great job, etc. She may be the same way, but just feels she's not good enough. The counselor will help her and hopefully help your relationship. Do you love her? Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I assume that she has your son? Do you think she will hurt him, or use him as a "weapon" against you? You need to take action, and you need to take action now. Don't go back to her - get away from her, and get YOUR SON away from her as well. Get a good attorney and file for divorce and sole custody of your son. I know it's rare that father's get custody. But the police report you filed against her is a good start. Did you EVER document any of the other assaults? It's really important to do that. I'm really so very sorry for your pain. I was also in an abusive relationship. I give you so much courage for leaving. You so seldom hear about men, but I know they are out there. Call a local shelter for woman. They should be able to reach out to you and offer you some real help. My best to you... ~Allie Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I agree with everyone else....she most likely will not change.She sounds like a woman with very deep problems... I'm sorry you and your son need to go through this... I also have a 2 and a half year old and I can't make myself leave a cheating husband mostly because of her...the things we do for our children,huh? But with the help of a good lawyer you could win full custody due to her violent relationship... It definitely won't due your son any good to grow up with a mother like that... Good luck! *hugs* Link to comment
CakeLove Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I agree with everyone else....she most likely will not change.She sounds like a woman with very deep problems... I'm sorry you and your son need to go through this... I also have a 2 and a half year old and I can't make myself leave a cheating husband mostly because of her...the things we do for our children,huh? But with the help of a good lawyer you could win full custody due to her violent relationship... It definitely won't due your son any good to grow up with a mother like that... Good luck! *hugs* Your two year old also will not benefit from your own abusive relationship. You should take your own advice ! And no, get away from her. Don't stay. That's crap to even consider after all you have told us. Link to comment
ctedde Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 Thank you so much for your comments. You all just reaffirmed what I was feeling. Annie, your right. If my son came to me with this story I would be appalled. To answer someone else's comment on her psychological problems, she grew up in a house where her dad beat the crap out of her mom for not keeping the house clean enough for him. When her mom finally left her dad, he killed himself. She was 13 at the time. My childhood wasn't peachy either. My step-dad used to beat the crap out of me and had me convinced I was worthless. That's what depresses me about my life right now. I thought that chapter of my life was over when he died. I just want to be happy. You guys are soooooo right. I can't go back into that situation. I just want to be happy. I was going to try and share custody with her, but I'm going to take your advice and try to get custody. I think I'll also call a local abuse shelter. But do you really think there's much out there help-wise for a husband? Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 Your two year old also will not benefit from your own abusive relationship. You should take your own advice ! My husband may be a cheater that broke the vows but he is certainly not abusive. My daughter worships him and he worships her back. He has never laid a hand on me or said anything insulting. Yes,our relationship is damaged,possibly permanantly,but abusive is definitely not the word I would ever use to describe it. Good decision you made ctedde. You are a strong man and good father! All the best! Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted July 21, 2008 Share Posted July 21, 2008 Yes, I do think there is help out there for men...it's just NOT talked about as much as women. I went to classes for abused women, so I know it's out there. Make the call. ~Allie Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Go to a lawyer immediately and set things in motion. Particularly if you have any physical markings from her, get to a lawyer/file a police report IMMEDIATELY. There are resources out there to help you, and you absolutely do NOT need to go back to this. You are not crazy, and she will not change, ever. It will not be difficult to have custody of your child, but you must move now. Link to comment
CakeLove Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 I agree with everyone else....she most likely will not change.She sounds like a woman with very deep problems... I'm sorry you and your son need to go through this... I also have a 2 and a half year old and I can't make myself leave a cheating husband mostly because of her...the things we do for our children,huh? But with the help of a good lawyer you could win full custody due to her violent relationship... It definitely won't due your son any good to grow up with a mother like that... Good luck! *hugs* I guess you aren't being abused. Cheating on you doesn't make you unhappy or hurt you...or affect your children. I guess thank god for small favors eh? It's a good thing that none of those scars can be veiwed with the naked eye. Link to comment
Up and Down Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 usually it's the woman who is the abused one, but here you are. This is a fallacy, usually it's women who talk about/report abuse, however I don't believe that men are any less abused than women in relationships. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Never go back to that and take your son out of that situation. She need some SERIOUS help. Get a lawyer and file for a speration or divorce and get custody of your son. Also get some help for yourself. Link to comment
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