needing a little advice.

[suzie q]

my story in short:

 

my ex and i were together for 9 months, but knew each other for a looong time and were close friends for about a year and a half before we officially started dating. he bought a house in june and asked me to live with him. we get along great, of course we argue because we're human, but we were never hurtful. his ex recently moved back to the area from germany. her husband is in iraq and will be back in august.

 

he told me that he needed some space, so i freaked and didn't understand why or where it was coming from. after a little over a week, he asked me to come over and started acting like nothing happened. i brought up the situation and finally got out of him that he wasn't sure he was over his ex. he told me that it wasn't fair for me to wait around because he is so confused and has no idea what he wants right now, so we broke up. we still at this point hadn't said/done anything to be hurtful to one another. he told me i could stay at the house for the night with him, but i told him i was going to leave--we hugged and said we loved each other and that was it.

 

i found out that he had a party at his house a few weekends ago and his ex was there. i was devastated. my friend told me that she loves her husband, blah blah blah. my ex's sisters and i are really good friends and one of them told me she heard him talking to her at dinner one night with the family and he got off the phone and told everyone they were strictly friends and she is happily married and when her husband comes back, they are getting a house.

 

i started NC 12 days ago. he bought me tickets to a concert next weekend for my birthday before we broke up and told my brother yesterday that he put them with my mail and has just been waiting for me to come pick up my mail. he told me i had mail about 2 weeks ago, but i haven't really been able to get out there.

 

right now, i'm feeling a little bad. i feel like because i haven't contacted him and am now accepting this gift from him that he will feel like i just want the tickets when i go get my mail. i still have a key to his house, he hasn't asked for it back and i still have some things there that i was supposed to get, but then initiated NC.

 

does anyone feel like i should explain to him why i am not talking to him? should i tell him that i am not mad at him (which i'm not), but that i want him to have the space and time he needs to sort through his feelings? i don't want him to feel bad because this break up was not a bitter one and we have a really strong friendship that i don't want to lose altogether.

 

i do really believe in my heart that he and i will get back together eventually. i feel like his life was interrupted by his ex and confused him, but she was his first love and he never got closure. he never really allowed himself to get over the relationship because it hurt him so bad. she cheated on him a lot and really broke his heart.

 

i am in really good spirits and have been for the past few days. i don't hate his ex and i certainly don't hate him. sometimes i worry that something more is going on, but when i think about it rationally and take out the jealousy, i know that he wouldn't mess with a married woman. his family was affected by cheating--his dad had an affair on his mom and he saw what she went through, so i know in my heart that he wouldn't put someone else through that. my jealousy does get the better of me sometimes, though, i must admit.

 

well, that was a long winded post, but i suppose i want to know what people think about the NC and if i should tell him why i'm doing it or just keep at what i'm doing. i'd also like to hear some outsider input on my story--just to see what you all think about what i'm going through and the relationship itself.

[civilservant]

Hi Suzie. unfortunately us blokes can get our heads turned from time to time, and it's not pleasant, even for us. I think you've 100% done the right thing by going NC, as that's effectivly what he asked for. I don't think you need to break it to explain why you're doing it, because he basically asked for it to begin.

 

As to the concert tickets, if you don't feel like taking them from him then don't, I wouldn;t blame you for it and if the mail isn't important then you ahve no cause to go around there. Absense makes the heart grow fonder, and if you are meant to be together than by not seeing him it may speed that process along.

 

I think you're doing the right thing.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would think that you should probably go pick up your mail...I would also suggest that you go to the post office and pay to have your mail forwarded to where you are living now. I would also suggest not taking the tickets...just pick up your mail and leave. He needs space to sort things out and I don't think you owe him any explanations for your silence. Since this women had cheated on your ex many times when they were together, it wouldn't surprise me if she has cheated on her husband while he is in Iraq. It also wouldn't surprise me if she has tried to put some moves on your ex..hence is confusion. Whether or not he took her up on it is anybody's guess...but I would suspect, given her track record of cheating, that she is batting her eyelashes at your ex. So be very careful with this one and stay far away...let him come to you.

[suzie q]

thank you both for your advice!

 

i did get my mail forwarded, that was before i had done so, but thank you for that thought.

 

i have talked about these tickets and whether or not i should take them in another forum, and i concluded that i will accept them seeing as he bought them for me while we were together and i don't want to look petty by not taking them. he is being super considerate by trying to get them to me and i don't think he deserves that slap in the face if i decided not to accept them.

 

you're right, crazyaboutdogs, she isn't the most faithful person and i don't know what they have or haven't done. it's important for me to accept that and i appreciate you pointing it out.

 

thank you, civilservant for your response. i do think i am doing the right thing, i just feel bad. i don't want to hurt him, even if he has hurt me. but, you're right, this is what he asked for and if he wants to talk to me, he'll do the calling.