A whole new level...please help..

[isilv3r]

This is my previous thread on which I was making progress with everyones help and my friends.

 

 

 

I broke down yesterday and called her. We were having a fine conversation and than all of a sudden she says "i have to go"..I asked her why she didn't want to talk to me and then i realized what was going on...Her ex boyfriend was coming over to her house, which she had promised me while taking this time to figure things out, that she wouldn't let him in her house, they'd meet other places. Apparently, he's sleeping beside her now...but just 2 days ago she told me that she misses me, thinks about me all the time and wants to see me more than anything.

 

But now, im hurt more than ever...I don't know what to do with myself, she makes it seem like she wants me to wait but than she does this after being in the same bed with me for so long. Im so lost as to what to do or believe. This is the first time i've been hurt like this and i was making progress but I just took a giant leap back. I want to send her a message saying, "I guess since he sleeps beside you now, you made your choice..." and say bye..etc., Is that a bad idea? Seriously, someone slap me! What do i do??????

[bellanicola003]

Ok...although my life is in shambles, I can give you some very good advice about this. She sounds like me actually with my late fiancee (who has passed now for 8 1/2 years). We were together for YEARS - through HS, etc. For some reason, I had given this man ALL that I had and never truly wanted to walk away from him, I couldn't to be honest. If we broke up and I met another person where it was great, that was great for me, but it never lasted long. He would find out about it and come around again. Now, I can tell you that during this time we were in our late teens and there was no sleeping with other people, etc, but the idea is the same.

 

It seems like she feels like she has invested a lot of her life with this guy - 5 years. It's hard for many people to walk away from that. Yes, during the breakup she met you and everything was great, but sadly, when you first start dating anyone, it's fantastic. In her mind, I guarantee you that's what she's thinking. She knows it can be good with you, but she is still connected to him as well and wants to see how it goes there.

 

It's not uncommon for someone to do this, but it's not fair to you for her to ask you to wait. You can not wait. You had a great time with this girl and she had a great time with you. Maybe you are soul mates and meant to spend the rest of your lives together, but for some reason, she can't get this guy out of her system. And that's not to say it's not her fault...some people just grab a hold of us and no matter what they do, we can't let them go. Especially when they come to us and seemed like changed individuals. You would almost feel compelled to give them that second, third, or fourth chance. Why? Because you love them, you invested many years in them, they become a part of your soul. If she was truly in love with this man, then this is why she's done this. She's not doing this to be mean to you, she's just following her heart.

 

At this point, you need to just not contact her and BELIEVE ME I know it's sooooo hard, but you CAN'T! When you start to think about her, think of something else. You have put the ball in her court and she'll let you know whether or not she's going to play the game with you or him.

 

I know that you have invested so much time and love into this girl and that's why it sometimes hurts the most, but...let her make her decision. Maybe this is the last time that she needs to see if it will work with him. But, keep in mind to yourself that you're better than that. Tell her that you won't be there and see what choice she makes...she's going to follow her heart and maybe that road will lead her right to you!

 

Here if you need anything!

[Whiskers]

You need to put her behind you, repair yourself and move on. This girl is letting you hang there knowing she can reach out to you whenever she feels like its and when she and her (supposed) ex have an argument, she's running straight for you. While all this happens you're not going to repair, move on or heal.

You need to tell her you aren't waiting for her any more and that you'd appreciate little to no communication as it will do you both good to move on.

 

Do you want her back knowing she could do it again? That she might run back to her ex?

 

XXXX

[isilv3r]

At this point, you need to just not contact her and BELIEVE ME I know it's sooooo hard, but you CAN'T! When you start to think about her, think of something else. You have put the ball in her court and she'll let you know whether or not she's going to play the game with you or him.

 

I know that you have invested so much time and love into this girl and that's why it sometimes hurts the most, but...let her make her decision. Maybe this is the last time that she needs to see if it will work with him. But, keep in mind to yourself that you're better than that. Tell her that you won't be there and see what choice she makes...she's going to follow her heart and maybe that road will lead her right to you!

 

Here if you need anything!

 

 

Thank you so much for replying to me on this. What you've said, i've heard but in different fashions. But everytime i hear it, it puts me back into control...somewhat. I've been wanting to tell her that i won't be there when she finally figures it out but im afraid to, because i want to be. But i mean, i've already lost her for now, I guess if i completely lose her, it will just take a lil longer to heal right. I'm trying so hard to be strong, I have friends that actually take my phone away but they know that it doesn't solve it. So just to clarify, if i send her a message to tell her that I won't be there, what do i say? how do i say it? ..It's funny cuz all my life i've always known what the right thing to say is but now, im completely stumped. I'm hurting but I dont ever want to say anything to her that pushes her away from the feelings she has for me, i defend her but at the same time, she doesn't deserve it...ya know..

[isilv3r]

 

Do you want her back knowing she could do it again? That she might run back to her ex?

 

XXXX

 

That is a fear that I've thought of...definitely don't want to go through this again, however if she did come back, he would have to be completely out of the picture or i couldn't be with her.

[civilservant]

It sounds like he may never be completley out of the picture, and if you couldn't handle that (which is entirley understandable) then she's not the one for you. I know it hurts, but consider this- don't you want something that is so wonderful, so complete, that you can;t believe you ever have it? Don't settle for anything less, forget about this person and move on.

 

I know it's easy for me to say it, but we've all be then there (myself recently) and it's one of the most painful experiances you can have as a human being. I defiantly agree that No Contact and begin to work on you alone. It'll be hard, there will be times that you feel you'll explode if you don't call/text/write but you have to stay strong. This is a brilliant place to be, and when you feel low just tell us on ENA about it and there'll always be someone around to talk to you.

 

In a few months, perhaps less, perhaps more, you'll look back and realise that your over her and ready to get on with the rest of your life. That time will be some of the best in your life, and the sooner you start the sooner that time will come. If you ever need to talk, post on here, or feel free to PM.

 

Good luck, you can do it!

[isilv3r]

How do you lose the questions i keep asking myself? Like...how could she tell me so many things and continue to tell me them, everything be perfect and then BAM she's laying beside someone else?? can she really forget about me that fast? Can you honestly be in love and then someone comes along and immediately dissolves those feelings? how does a human being do that to someone they say they care about?

[Whiskers]

That's true but would you trust her to do it?

 

The thing is, by telling her that you want to be left alone so you can move on and get over her, she might panic and decide she is actually interested. If she wanted to come back to you in those circumstances then she would more than likely refuse not to have anything to do with him...and would more than likely still have some attachment.

So, even if you did want to get back together, it's advisable that you leave some time.

 

 

But in any case, you need to put some big distance there and concentrate entirely on yourself. You don't deserve to be dragged behind someone who doesn't put you first.

XXXX

[fleck1234]

How do you lose the questions i keep asking myself? Like...how could she tell me so many things and continue to tell me them, everything be perfect and then BAM she's laying beside someone else?? can she really forget about me that fast? Can you honestly be in love and then someone comes along and immediately dissolves those feelings? how does a human being do that to someone they say they care about?

 

Words are easy to say. My ex said alot of the same things to me. Actions are more important. She is telling you alot more with her actions. I think you need to go NC and start to move on with your life. Sorry that you are going through this.

[isilv3r]

Words are easy to say. My ex said alot of the same things to me. Actions are more important. She is telling you alot more with her actions. I think you need to go NC and start to move on with your life. Sorry that you are going through this.

 

Yeah that seems to be the going response. Sad but true.

 

Thanks to everyone for their feedback.

[bellanicola003]

Isn't it amazing how when we are faced with something after knowing our whole lives what to say at that exact moment, we are stumped when our hearts are on the line? one thing that you need to keep in mind is this...if you're meant to lose her you are going to whether you tell her you're not going to be there or not. I know how hard it is to read "if you lose her", but you were right in your other posts...you have already lost her. She's not yours anymore, so you've got to let her go. It's a long, hard, and drawn our process...we all reach out to one another for help at times like this, but you will live.

 

She is no longer the woman you fell in love with, she's changed. Not just bc she's with someone else, but she's changed to you now hasn't she? Do you want her back like that? Quit thinking about 4 months ago and how great it was. Think about right now. Do you want this woman right now? You may be surprised by your answer.

 

If you do talk to her...which I would just tell her that you're letting her know that you're moving on with your life and thank you for the time that we had. Make it very short...don't ask if she loves you or misses you...because honestly...what if she says no and then you're stuck feeling HORRIBLE! Don't set yourself up for the fall. Don't text her either about it and if you call and she doesn't answer...leave it on her vm. Just thank her for your time together and say that you just know that you are a better person than to wait around for her. Wish her well and then continue healing. It sucks soooooo bad, but what can you do? You're not a doormat. You're a loving, giving, and caring individual who deserves more than to play second fiddle. You deserve to be number 1 and you deserve to have someone make you feel that way!

 

Keep smiling hun and get strong! It's easier to stay weak when you are weak, but once you become strong...it gets easier and easier to remain that way. Get angry and get strong! You can do it!