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Meeting with an ex – so confused NOW…!

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I described my situation in another thread a few weeks ago, but as it is pretty long, just a short summary:


He’s 37 and I’m 35, we casually dated from October to January (no sex; we met every 3 weeks on average as we live in different towns and that was his “timing” anyway). Then we had an “exclusivity talk” initiated by me (in which he said nothing about exclusivity, but was, it seems, serious about “us” and attracted to me a lot, so I didn’t ask too many questions).


Then I discovered he dated (probably casually) other people, so we talked (this April) and he told me he would end his other “dating situations” as he wanted to be with me; still, he was very anxious about our bad communication problems he implied and quite confused. Practically, he “broke up” with me this April (though it was me who explicitly decided not to meet until he sorts things out). He limited contact since, so I did, too, and he claimed he was busy (he was).


I asked him via IM to declare when he would end his other "casual dates"; he gave himself a month to do this. As the date coincided with an important deadline in his work, I realized he’d probably wouldn’t make it till then, but I was so emotionally exhausted by the situation I asked for an IM talk anyway after that month. We talked for 11 hours; he said he hadn't had time to talk to other people involved yet and that because of this he felt as if he failed to keep his promise to me. He confessed there was a girl he casually dated about whom he was confused, but finally said he wanted to end this, too. He even said he loved me, but it was when I finally told him I didn’t want friendship with him if he didn’t want us to be together, and I didn’t want any contact from him either – so this “I love you”, sadly, felt more like emotional blackmail, anyway…



[end of the summary! ]



In two day’s time he sent me an IM message saying he was "alone" now (that is, he probably broke up with the girl he met with), but that he needed this alone time to sort things out and that he didn’t see us together in the “very near future” anyway. He felt I was probably still angry with him and he needed space, too. I asked him in an e-mail to meet in one-two month’s time - to which he readily agreed. I explained once again that we couldn’t be friends as I wanted more. In the e-mail I also told him I don’t want us to contact each other unless it’s really important (and then via e-mail only, no calls/texts).


After two or three weeks of NC he broke NC and sent me a short e-mail saying “does the July meeting still stand?” to which I replied more or less “It does, but I’m busy now - I’ll write or call you at the beginning of July”. He replied with “ok”. (BTW, I told him in our IM conversation I was casually dating someone; he didn’t know – and still doesn’t know - whether I still do, he might be confused about it too.)

We fixed a date. The day before our date he texted me (I didn’t answer) and after 20 mins called to confirm the date.


We met... It was like our usual “date” - I initially did want to talk about “us” (that’s what we planned, after all) but had this overwhelming feeling he wouldn’t feel happy about it… So I decided not to bother him with any “break-up-or-reconcilliation” discussions – well, if it’s over, it’s over… When I decided to myself “ok, it’s over”, I felt relief and was able to talk to him lightly. He said he initially wanted to take me to his place (for the first time ever) as his brother was planning on a short presentation of his photographs from around the world that day, but the date of the presentation changed.


As the weather suddenly changed from sunny to stormy/rainy, we couldn’t go to a park and had to stay in McDonald’s for an hour ;-) (he noticed I wasn’t happy about it) - then I took him to my new flat which was quite near (in his town) and we drank tea (that's the only thing I had there, I don't live there yet and wasn't prepared for the visit).


He walked me to my bus as I had to go back home that day, and he even waited for the bus to go (not a usual thing for him before). OK- I thought – if that’s our last meeting, that’s very nice of him, but still just a polite thing to do… In a few minutes I got a nice, a bit humorous text asking me to tell him when I would be home, safe and sound (with a smiley). I answered in a few hours that I was home, good night (with a smiley) and got another text instantly, “Good night” (yes, with a smiley, too ).


The next day and yet another one I woke up broken hearted at 4 o’clock, assuming we probably met for the last time (yes, I’m in love in him and I want to be with him unfortunately… and that’s “cruising for bruising” sometimes, I know). I wanted to text him these two days badly (strange, NC was quite easy for me, and now…). While asleep, I dreamed of him coming back to me (literally turning back and approaching me) – and when I woke up I decided to follow this strange piece of advice and wait for him, and not to contact him any more. But how happy would I be, I thought, if he texted me and asked me to meet with him! But that’s impossible now, I thought.


Just imagine my surprise when he texted me the same day asking “are we planning on any further “visits” or “re-visits” or something like that? /smiley/” (just my poor translation). It’s his typical way of asking for a date. I answered “just a minute /smiley/” and then next day “yes, that would be nice /smiley/”. Then I got a text next day “How terribly busy today I am” (without a smiley) to which I answered a few hours later. Yesterday, hesitantly, I sent a text (breaking my “no texts rule”, but it was him who contacted me three times in a row, so I decided it’s my turn now) - to which I still didn’t receive any answer.


Well, now I’m pretty confused. I told him before I don’t want friendship and if he doesn’t want us to work on “us” - I don’t want him to contact me. It looks like he behaves exactly the way he did a few months ago – and we might again end up “casually dating” once in four weeks and sending texts once a day - which is not something I would be happy with.


I explicitly told him a few months ago I wanted to meet him at least once a week – if that’s not possible, I’m not interested… So what is going on? Is he disrespecting my wishes, or just as confused as me? And yes, I still didn’t communicate well with him during our last date; I was too confused/angry to be relaxed during the first few hours of our meeting - so he may have felt uneasy again being with me/talking to me and certainly has his reasons to be intimidated by me (he even once said he is afraid of being in a relationship with me).



Thanks for reading …


And thank you, BrokenDuc, for the reply I got last time, too - although it wasn’t very optimistic (but probably reasonable, unfortunately)...



My question: should I talk to him and remind him I’m not interested in meeting him once in a month, wait for him to fix a date and go with the flow (hoping for the best, accepting the worst - maybe, btw, "taking it slow" is ok?), or maybe I should stop answering his texts?



I just DON’T KNOW… any advice/ viewpoint on this will be desperately appreciated ;-)

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I would just leave it alone now and let him come after you. See what happens. Don't give him ultimatums yet. You will be able to figure out soon enough if he is serious or not. It is rather disconcerting that he dangled the "carrot" of getting together and then when you agreed, he pulled the carrot away..and then when you contacted him, he ignored you. I would suggest that you continue going about your life..and if you are dating others, continue to do so. This guy still sounds rather immature and into game playing. I think giving him another ultimatum won't work...the only thing you can do is let your actions speak volumes...in other words, don't wait around for him.

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Thank you, Crazyaboutdogs, for your reply. What you suggested is the best I can do at the moment. Still, I may not find strength to do this.


It seems I shouldn't have answered that I would gladly meet him - that was my mistake. Now after almost two months of no contact, when I was quite happy, I am again left waiting for a stupid text from him... And it's Saturday afternoon...


And yes, it's hard for me to understand how this situation can continue for so long, almost a year - why does he ask if I would meet him, initiates contact three times then doesn't answer when I contact him (although mine was just a "have a nice day" text - well, I'll wait a few days anyway). That's really confusing. Maybe he is playing games, maybe I agreed to a meeting to eagerly and he just doesn't want me to be disappointed. My answers to his texts were a bit delayed, too, so, maybe ... sweet revenge? ;-)


I'm now inclined to talk to him on IM in a few days' time (and I know I'll regret it) and tell him not to contact me again - how could we even be friends if he keeps on treating me like that...? And yet I miss him. Not good...

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