Am i doing to much? or am I just selfish?

[daniel4peace]

Me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for about 13 months and I must say she makes me feel absolutely amazing. But in these past couple of weeks we've been arguing more and more.

 

I pay for almost everything and I feel as though I don't get appreciated as much as I should. I'm the only one that drives because she's saving for other things and I don't get any gas money from her. I know that the things she is saving for are important but does that mean I have to pay for everything?? Shouldn't she share the expenses as well?

 

I feel as though there are many things I would do for her yet she would not do in return. Ex: About a week ago I was feeling awful and I had stayed home from work and I asked her if she would call at a certain time and sit down and have a conversation during one of our favorite shows. She said "no I have already made other plans" But about two weeks before that I had a speech due one day and she told me that she wasn't feeling well the night before and I went to her house to try and make her feel better while she had known that I had to prepare for my speech the next day and I ended up losing about 4 hours of prep time. I know it sounds foolish but is it too much to ask?

 

Lately she told me that we both needed time and space for ourselves and that we just needed to focus on other things other than just eachother. I agreed. She told me during a conversation that I was smothering her and that she to breathe but, she has also chose to spend that time with me. Is that completely my fault? Should I be blamed for something she knew about and was well aware of? During the summer we've seen eachother almost everyday and I can understand where she would get "smothering". But can she blame all that on me?

 

One day we were having a conversation with a good friend of ours and she referred to me as her pet. Since then I haven't been able to get that off my mind.

 

I always seem to be the one to "fix" things after an argument or start up conversation after we have hung up on eachother. and I'm really quite tired of it.

 

Don't get me wrong this girl is amazing!!

She's absolutely the most beautiful person I know and I have to say that she is my first love and the first person I was ever intimate with. It may sound corny but we were also eachothers first kiss. We've shared countless memories with eachother and I can honestly say that I wouldn't mind spending my life with her. I plan on buying her a promise ring for her birthday and telling her that I would really like to se how far we can go in this relationship. It's just these few minor things we need to fix first.

 

But How??

 

Am i doing to much? or am I just selfish?

[LittleInuit]

You're not selfish.

Have you tried talking to her about it?

If y'all both love each other, y'all will be able to fix the minor things so don't worry too much about it.

[daniel4peace]

I have tried.

But after every time I bring things up she jumps out with the "I'm such a bad girlfriend" "you deserve so much better"

I mean she's really not. She's not perfect, but, who is? I know I'm not and I know I make mistakes. But I don't want her to think that she's a bad girlfriend.

[itsallgrand]

Pardon me. It appears from what you are writing that your girlfriend is feeling smothered, and is finding (what I consider) passive aggressive ways to deal with it.

 

So what you got is a girl who is backing away, and starting to take it for granted that you will work hard to repair things. Also - basically coming from an angle that you will be there no matter what.

 

And would you? No matter what?

 

She can be amazing and all that. But in this situation, I'd personally wait before going out and buying that promise ring.

 

I don't think you are selfish, but I DO think that you have some troubles in how you go about getting what it is you want.

 

For example, if you want her to start helping out more and putting a more equal share into the relationship, you do have to hold her up to that and not continue to give give give with the occasional chat about it. There has to be some real motivation for her to change, and to stop doing what she is doing now.

 

If I were you, which I am not, I'd start giving her more space. Even if she shows up all the time - that doesn't mean you have to go along with it. Sometimes you can be busy.

Sometimes you can say "No".

 

She will respect, even if she fusses and makes a deal about it (which she probably will, people get into patterns and will try to continue that pattern often even when it isn't the healthiest one to do) but you don't have to "cave".

 

* The comments such as "I'm such a bad girlfriend" and "You deserve better" - that you really shouldn't tolerate if you want a positive outcome. You can acknowledge her saying it, but don't feed it nor try to console her when she is essentially saying to you "This relationship isn't working for me and I'm looking for a way out of it" in a passive aggressive or manipulative/unaware way.

 

She's giving herself an out that takes the responsibility off herself when/if things don't work out and she leaves.

 

When someone says something, take it as their truth. She doesn't believe she can be a good girlfriend to you, and so her actions will be in line with that . She won't treat you the way she thinks you deserve.

 

The challenge is to change your expectations, and behavior so that it honors what it is that you need in this relationship and to communicate that all clearly to her (mainly through actions, but with words too) .....all the while being respectful and honoring her needs as well.

 

No way to force or to predict how she will choose to react or act when you make these changes, but if you don't , the end result is going to be more of the same and worse. And I believe, you will ultimately drive her completely away from you and be left there thinking "What did I do to deserve this? How did this happen?"

 

Don't let that happen. Take your full responsibility for your end of this relationship being the way it is. It takes two. Good luck.

[Loltastic]

My ex did this, all the passive aggressive ways of trying to get me to dump her because she didn't want to look like the bad guy, In the end we talked about how I expected more from her and she said she would try to give a little more to the relationship. It was a matter of 2 little too late... I couldn't trust how she felt about me because of the things she had said in the past like that she doesnt feel the same way I do ect. I couldnt bring myself to break up with her though because she was so amazing... every time I convinced myself she was a * * * * ty girlfriend, id find a way to place the blame for everything on myself and then end up sucking up to her even more.

 

Talk to her about it, tell her you want more, if she denighs everything or says your needy then just dump her imo and find someone better.

[DN]

Sorry, but this girl is not amazing in the way you think she is. She's using you. The fact she might be saving for important things is no reason for her to manipulate you into paying for everything and use your gas as well. She's freeloading. And i imagine she does regard you as a pet - someone to do her bidding, be there when she wants him and send him away when she wants her alone time.

 

So I think you need to see her for what she really is and decide if you really want to be used like this.

[clean_slate]

Your girlfriend, and relationship, sound exactly the same as mine. I also have pretty much paid for everything and driven everywhere, and it definitely leaves me feeling slightly used and unappreciated. Nip this in the bud now before things get worse. Just read my thread about what I'm dealing with right now to understand what I mean.

 

My girlfriend has taken the "time" thing a bit too far. Basically, she had an emotional fling with a married man and tried to cover it up. Then she uses the guise of friendship as an excuse. And now she wants time because she's under so much "stress." Finally, last night I was supposed to go with her and her brother to see Dark Knight. Instead, she gave the ticket to her female friend and expected me to be fine with it. I wasn't, nor should I have been. We texted back and forth and she came out with "I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore." Yeah, that garbage.

 

You smother her? Nope. Your girlfriend just isn't that into you and is probably already scoping out the field for your replacement. Take what she says with a grain of salt. Her actions (and words) aren't those of love. They're those of disdain, and those of a self-centered individual that guys have let walk over in the past. Don't be that man. Don't be like me. It just reinforces your girlfriend's mentality that "she has the vagina, so she's in control."

 

itsallgrand took the words right out of my mouth.

And I believe, you will ultimately drive her completely away from you and be left there thinking "What did I do to deserve this? How did this happen?"

That's exactly what I am thinking right now.

 

But after every time I bring things up she jumps out with the "I'm such a bad girlfriend" "you deserve so much better"

I mean she's really not. She's not perfect, but, who is? I know I'm not and I know I make mistakes. But I don't want her to think that she's a bad girlfriend.

 

My girlfriend said the same exact phrases. I thought she was simply feeling bad about hurting me. Turns out, she was trying to tell me she wanted out. She is a bad girlfriend. Period. And you do deserve better. The question is, are you strong enough to take the necessary action? Are you strong enough to do what's in your best interest? Like I said, don't go down my road, because it is absolutely horrific. You're well on your way there, unfortunately.

[daniel4peace]

Is it really as bad as it sounds?

I guess I forgot to mention that we had an argument about the me paying for everything about 2 months ago and she has tried. We split everything almost evenly now and about 2 weeks ago she purchased us some $200 concert tickets and was kind of taken back by it. But she still doesn't give me gas money. and everyone knows how much it cost too. It's not a rude thing of me to ask for the money is it?

I think I made have made things sound worse than they actually are.

The only thing I've ever really felt like I was getting used for was the transportation.

Is it to much to ask just to be for a little more appreciation?

 

I don't think I smother her either. I think we do our equal share of the smothering.

 

I honestly don't think that she is "scoping out the field for your replacement" But i mean I could be wrong.

 

I honestly do think we can work things out.

I think that itsallgrand Is right I think i need to fix the ways that I go about getting things from her.

 

Thanks

[JeckyllNHyde]

i think she should offer to pay once in a while.

but since she isnt, i think you should ask her. its not rude.. it is kind of rude to let someone do all the paying even if you 2 are dating.

 

at the moment i do all the paying and the driving around. but when we go out the bf pays. and i don't need to drive him around to other places (e.g. work, to his friends, etc)

if i had to be paying for gas, plus other costs too.. yes. i would feel used too no matter how much i love someone.

 

also. don't always be the one to call and make up. if she is wrong, let her. it's lovely for her, but it also gives her a feeling of beng fully in control of you and the relationship.

 

i don't see anything wrong with seeing each other every day. i COULD get smothering yes and apparently it did.

however, i don't see the need to ask for space. she could have easily just said. "hey i think we should see each other every other day.."

[daniel4peace]

Oh no I don't drive her to places like her friends or anything. I do sometimes pick her up and take her to work when we've already or are going to spend time together. I guess I only drive her around when we're spending time together i.e. going to the movies or out to eat or getting a movie. And we have started splitting the expenses and what not. I don't pay for everything like I use to just every now and then (just being nice).

 

We've talked about the "calling after fighting" situation and she has told me that she needs time to think about what just happened before she can call back. Which I find reasonable. And I have found that I don't always have to be the one to fix everything.

 

And we have begun just having our alone time and I do realize that I don't have to spend every moment with her.(I'm not saying that I wouldn't) And it feels good.

 

Do I really have anything to worry about?

Besides the whole paying for gas situation? (Stupid truck! >

[JeckyllNHyde]

i dont think you have anything to worry about. then again i dont know every single detail about you, her and the relationship.. only the few details shared.

if you feel good in your gut (gut feeling i mean lol) that's what matters..

 

now that you've found you dont need to always fix the problems.. dont. let her call when she is up for it. it will also make you feel way better.

[daniel4peace]

Thanks! the advice really helped.

[clean_slate]

Define "every moment" spent together. See, here's my problem. For the first few months of my relationship, my girlfriend was extremely eager to spend time with me. I even thought she was excessively needy with the cuddling and stuff. But now she's turned it around and put the blame on me, saying I'm too needy. To be clear, we don't live together. Both of us currently live at home (unfortunately), and we don't see each other every day, and we certainly don't sleep next to each other that often or have sex. So, I find the asking for time thing to be quite odd. The vast majority of my time is spent either at home or at work. Same with my girlfriend. She chooses to spend her time at home playing World of Warcraft instead of out. But when I bring it up, she'll say that she is needed at home. How is that my fault?

 

Anyway, I'm just giving my perspective. Every situation is different. I doubt your girlfriend is currently looking to leave you. Hell, even mine claims that isn't the case. But you still need to be cautious and realize that your definition of appropriate time and energy may be very different from that of your girlfriend.

 

Sorry to sound doom and gloom. That's not my intention.