Am I asking too much, or is enough enough?

[maggie1212]

Hello all,

I am new to this forum and thought I would ask anyone and everyone their advice. Any help would be much appreciated. my bf and i have been datinig for 2 years. He is a very nice guy but we have been having some issues lately. we are both finishing up with college and planning/thinking about our future. since i am going to grad school and he is a year older he technically would be finished with school before i am. he will be an education teacher and talks on and off about wanting to get his masters. i have told him it would be best for him to get his masters right away after his undergrad as i will still be in school and then once he is done we can settle down. he wants to settle down first and maybe after a few years of teaching get his masters online (which will end up taking 3-4 years). i know him, and know that if he doesn't do it right away he will never go back. getting his masters would be huge for his career adn the path he wants to take but i fear he is being to lazy and making up excuses as to why he wont just get his masters right away. everytime i address the issue he blows it off and says im thinking about it. it has now been a YEAR of him thinking. our relationship is suffering becuase i want to plan a future or move on and he won't give me a definite decision. i finally told him that if he doesnt start to make a decision or look into it more im going to have to move on. i didnt' want to threaten him but i cant wait around forever. i wish he would just be more dedicated to us. he says he doesnt want to lose me but yet it obviously doesnt mean enough to him to just go on for his masters right away and keep me at he same time. the last thing i want to do is be controlling but at the same time i feel like he really isnt thinking about our future. i keep telling him how by going to get his masters right away he woudl have it done with and it wouldnt have to put off our future. nothing seems to make him address the issue. bottom line... i know this prolly doesnt seem like much of an issue to many, but it is killing our relationship right now. i really need some advice. should i just back off and let it be. or should i stay true to my word and walk away if i dont get a decision? i dont want to be controlling his future career, but by him making the decision to put it off and affect us in the long run isn't that letting him control me? any help would be appreciated. thanks!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sorry to say, but YOU are the one controlling him. It is his education not yours and you don't have a right to dictate the timeframe in which he gets an advanced degree. He is clearly committed to you because he wants to settle down with you...in fact, he wants to settle down with you sooner than you want to settle down with him. You are making your settling down with him contingent on whether or not he goes for the degree in your timeframe. That is not fair. He clearly wants to work for a bit first and is maybe not too keen at this point to go for a Master's degree. Maybe he will feel differently about it later on, maybe not. Sure, he may not even do it later on..but is your love for him contingent on him getting his master's degree? Sure the master's degree may open up more doors for him in the future...but the bottom line is that he is not up for it at this point in time and if you continue to be angry and harp on it...or silently seethe about it, you will drive your relationship into the ground. To threaten to end the relationship because of the education level YOU want him to attain is actually very selfish and controlling.

[rosephase]

i dont want to be controlling his future career, but by him making the decision to put it off and affect us in the long run isn't that letting him control me? any help would be appreciated. thanks!

 

 

It sounds like you are being very controlling of him. These are big choices and they don't come to everyone in the same way. Just because you know what you want doesn't mean he does. In fact it sounds like he knows what he wants and you are rejecting it.

[DN]

I agree with the others - you have no right to dictate his career and education choices.

 

You can certainly choose to leave him if you think his choices will mean that he won't be successful enough in his career to meet your expectations regarding your standard of living and status as a couple but that is something you must decide for yourself.

[maggie1212]

I understand what you are all saying and I appreciate the replies. Trust me I have thought this over a million times as I am really not a controlling person. I know this may be hard for you to know as you do not know me but the matter is much deeper than that. Yes, it his education and yes, it is his final call. But what role do I have as the other part of the relationship? Do I remain quiet and hope for the best while being tugged back and forth with his decisions, and waiting around until he finally makes one? He has done this before where he jumps around back and forth to different career possibilities and finally makes a decision after I assist him. Do I have no right to address my opinons to him while I am fully affected as well? And when he blows the topic off and doesn't address it- how is that okay?

[DN]

Because this is his life and he has the right to make his own decisions free from pressure from you about what they should be. If you pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to and it all goes pear-shaped for him then who will he blame?

 

How would you like it if he said he wanted you to quit school now, get married straight away and start a family - or he would find someone who would?

 

Don't confuse concern with his well-being for concern with your well-being.

[nutbrownhare]

People do things in their own time. The thought of going straight onto a Masters Degree after my B.A. would have been enough to make me chew off my own foot. Several years later, I did my Masters - when I was ready.

 

I'm having some problems understanding where you're coming from - are you in a situation where you will have to support him financially if you stay together? If not, why are his decisions tugging you back and forth?