Should it be over?

[advice24]

Hello everyone,

 

Just wanted some advice, since I've been mulling this over in my head for a couple weeks. Could really use different input.

 

So my girlfriend and I are happily together over the past year and a half. She currently is on a study abroad trip for 6 weeks over seas. This girl is very idealistic, change the world type. She has little to no access for telephones/internet/email except every few days. So I basically don't hear from her for most of the week. This six week deal is not what I'm worried about, but it got me thinking about a conversation we may need to have.

 

She wants to travel abroad once again this January for 3 months into an even more desolate area where on the website it stated that phones/internet was "non-existent". This means basically a whole 3 months of no talking or connection. I think I could possibly muster enough courage for this one if there is a pay off, i.e she is going to settle down on the traveling and/or we can agree on a place to live nearby each other at least.

 

Once that trip is over she wants to go to graduate school. Now she has been talking of the East coast (I live on the west), but also has brought up California as an option (where I'm from).

 

Once she gets back we will have a long conversation and if she isn't willing to agree on an end point where we both can finally be together, should I dump her? Keep in mind we are terribly in love, but if she puts her career ahead of the relationship should I pull back?

 

Thank you!

[Jeximo]

It seems to me as if you're looking for someone to settle down with and be on the same level when it comes to love vs. career. You said she is idealist and if that's true, she may be "on the go" her entire life. From my perspective, this seems to be a quality that you're not okay with, and that's perfectly normal. But if this isn't a quality you could live with, I think serious consideration should be taken about ending the relationship.

 

" I think I could possibly muster enough courage for this one if there is a pay off, i.e she is going to settle down on the traveling and/or we can agree on a place to live nearby each other at least."

 

You may not like this, but in my opinion I think it is selfish (maybe not the right word, a step down from selfish) that you want to hold her down when she may want something different entirely.

 

 

If this isn't the case, I'm all for hearing more about it.

[advice24]

"You may not like this, but in my opinion I think it is selfish (maybe not the right word, a step down from selfish) that you want to hold her down when she may want something different entirely."

 

I've thought of that too. I don't like LDRs whatsoever, but strange enough I've gone through with it for her. I've heard this from other people too.

 

What is throwing me off the most is that she doesn't have concrete plans to do anything. She wants grad school and that is all I know for certain. I need to know what her plans are so I can make mine.

 

I've already told her I'd leave my current job in a year and volunteer with her abroad for a bit. Always something I've wanted to do anyway, especially if I had someone to do it with.

 

She is really the only person I’ve dated that I’ve fallen for. It just seems like it has to work out, ya know? Like there isn’t another option.

 

I know she is willing to do the distance, but is it worth it?

 

So many questions, I know. It’s been long few weeks so far, I apologize if this is difficult to follow.

 

Thank you for your response in advance

[DN]

Well, selfish is as selfish does. One could also argue that she is selfish for putting her own wants and desires before the relationship. She doesn't 'need' to do these things, she is choosing to.

 

And that is the issue - choices. She is perfectly entitled to make whatever choices she feels are in her best interests - but so are you. And if you feel it is not in your best interests to stay in a relationship with someone who is choosing to be constantly absent from your life for extended periods of time - then that also is your right and you should not blame yourself for choosing to walk away providing you don't blame her for the choices she makes.

[Jeximo]

"What is throwing me off the most is that she doesn't have concrete plans to do anything. She wants grad school and that is all I know for certain. I need to know what her plans are so I can make mine."

 

I think you have it backwards here. If you make your own plans and start following them through, I think that will build more attraction on her behalf because it shows that you know what you want and you're willing to take the steps to get there. I find that women in general find this more as a leadership and dominance role and they can't help but to be attracted to someone who knows what they want. I'm not saying that you're plans have to be "Set in stone", but I think you should make your decisions based on what is best for YOU.

 

That's awesome that you would want to volunteer and take time out of your life to commit to something that she is truly interested it. Just that line alone shows me that you are really committed and genuine. And if I can notice this, she surely would too.

 

The distance thing is hard to discuss because it's extremely opinionated, person by person bases. If you think it would not be worth it, then don't. But at the same time, all it takes is her to have a slight realization for her to change her mind entirely. The point of this paragraph is that I think you need to recognize that she needs to make this realization-- which is directly affected by time and nothing by what you say.

 

Not hard for me to follow, I enjoy responding.