Should i break up with him?

[h0pelessr0mantic]

Ok so i have put up a few posts about my current situation with my boyfriend. I have made the decision that i DO have to leave him, the question is...when? See this summer i am currently working in a research facility for cancer (full time) and i am also going to classes and studying for my MCAT which i have to take on Sept 5th. Now the MCAT is THE major test for medical school, and it has alway been my dream to go to medical school. I need to focus and study for it as much as i can. Here's my dilemma. If i break up with my boyfriend now i am worried that i will be soo upset that i won't be able to study at all and completely flunk the MCATs. Whenever we have broken up in the past all i can do is wallow in self pity...or watch tv...or cry....or call up friends to do something to keep my mind off of him. the only problem is, is that i can NEVER get any work done. I am just utterly and completely useless. I also usually resort to drinking to try and numb the pain (i know... baddd badd ). But also staying with him also causes problems becase we are always arguing and he wants me to always go and see him...which isn't possible for me with my scheduel. I don't know what to do. I feel like it might be easier to leave him once school starts because then i will have more support from friends at school and also because i will be less busy (not working full time). But i also fear that if i am less busy, i will have more time to miss him and think about him. I am just so confused about all this. I have also thought of how to break up with him and i want people's opinions. My boyfriend always has strict rules about where i go, whoi'm with, and about ebing able to reach me at all times. However, he constantly disappears on me for hours on end and i can't reach him. What i plan to do is basically the next time he disappears on me... i will do the exact same thing to him. I know that if i do the same, he WILL break up with me because he has broken up with me for much less. Even when i broke up with him for cheating, and then spent the night at a friends because i was VERY upset, the next day he called me up.... FURIOUS that i disappeared on him (and then proceeded to say that he never wants to ever speak to me again and that i am a dirty wh0re)...even though i had JUST caught him cheating and BROKE up with him. Do u think this is the right way to go about it? everytime i try to break up with him in another manner it never works because he always calls me back and tells me that he needs me and then i get back together with him. He has also told me (whenever we get into fights) that he really doesn't want to be with me, but he wants our breaking up to be my fault...not his. So i think that if i disappear on him the next time he disappears on me, that he will break up with me and then never want to talk to me again (even though...he would have just done the exact same thing the night before). please help!!! (i am also going to go and see a therapist today, so i will report tomorrow about how it went).

[kaoticbaby]

seriously, this isn't fair to either of you. he's emotionally abusive and controlling, and you are only holding on because you don't want to be upset. i understand your dilemma, but holding onto him for your own sake when you know you're just going to break up with him anyway is a selfish thing to do.

 

once you know you are going to break up with somebody, the sooner the better. i really don't think holding onto him is healthy at all.

[SapphireNoir10]

He sounds like a looser to be honest. You'll be better off without him in the long run regardless of WHY you've decided to break it off.

[DN]

As a general rule, if you have decided to leave someone you should not delay the break-up for the most convenient time for you. He might be a jerk but that would be unfair to stay with him and pretend all is well when you know you are going to leave - it would be living a lie.

[duchesstigerlily]

I dont understand your reasons for delaying this breakup at all....I mean, he treats you like crap and upsets you on a regular basis by being an abusive a$$ so how is that any different then being upset *after* you break up with him....you are miserable either way. I think you are just putting off breaking up with him and coming up with excuses because you arent ready to be without him (although what the "pros" are in this relationship, I'll never know). He is clearly no good for you and I think you need to move on and stop putting it off for your own wellbeing.

[Love_Music]

I would just wait until i had taken the test, and then break up with him. And since you're going to be breaking up with him ANYWAY, when he wants you to spend time with him while you need to be studying, just tell him no and hang up. If he comes and harasses you, call the police on his sorry tail. That's what I'd do.

[kaoticbaby]

I would just wait until i had taken the test, and then break up with him. And since you're going to be breaking up with him ANYWAY, when he wants you to spend time with him while you need to be studying, just tell him no and hang up. If he comes and harasses you, call the police on his sorry tail. That's what I'd do.

 

doesn't mean that that's the right thing to do though.

[Love_Music]

doesn't mean that that's the right thing to do though.

 

 

It could be the right thing to do in her situation though. She said that if she breaks up with him before taking her test, then she thinks she won't be able to concentrate bc she'll be sad and try to do other things to keep her mind off of him. If she just waits to break up with him after her test, she won't have to really worry about passing or not bc it'll be out of the way.

[d24]

if you think breaking up with him before the MCATs will ruin your chances of a good score then do it after. It also gives you the excuse not to see him because you're studying and can't go round. Gradually phase him out, or like you said - since you're afraid of conflict - just do something and let him feel smug that he's broken it off. (when in reality it was your choice)

 

Good luck, hope you heal soon

[DN]

There is lying by commission and lying by omission.

 

The first would be to tell your partner to their face that you want to stay with them when you are planning on leaving them.

 

The second is when you plan to leave them but lead them to believe otherwise by not telling them that intention and carrying on the relationship.

 

That may be convenient but it is deceiving your partner and, if you are someone who had a conscience, it should be something that you would either not do or regret doing later. The fact that someone does not treat you well is not an excuse or a reason to treat them badly in return.

[d24]

no offense to anyone here who's said it's dishonest and terrible to string him along because under normal circumstances i'd agree, but the MCATs are the most important test you can do for that field. If breaking up will ruin her chances to study for it there's no way in heck I'd risk years of studying and schooling by doing it. he can wait, you have more important things to do right now.

 

She shouldn't need to feel guilt over it either - because all she's doing in protecting her future career. I say do it once your MCATs are done.

[DN]

The problem with that though is that any reason that a person gives for not acting in the right way morally or ethically is the most important one for them at that time - and so by that reasoning any one can do whatever they want to without feeling they did something wrong.

[deleted-account]

I don't understand how you'll be sad if you break up with him now, but you'll be fine with you wait till later. You know you aren't going to be with him either way, so what's the difference in your mind? If you break up now you can forget about him, instead of thinking about breaking up with him all the time.

 

I agree with the people that say do it as soon as possible. It'd be real crappy of you to wait. Be better than that.

[duchesstigerlily]

I *still* think that part of the problem is that she isnt ready to break up with him so her upcoming test is more of an excuse to delay having to do something she isnt quite ready for in her heart and mind. I, personally, dont think she owes him much in the way of niceness or understanding in choosing how she breaks up with him...from all the posts I have read he is an abusive pig who hasnt earned the respect that certain people are suggesting she show him in the manner of her breakup. He treats her like dirt so, honestly, how could she feel any worse by breaking up with him?

[ycmanvs]

Here is what I did and it worked for me. I needed to study for the bar exam, so I just did that and told my boyfriend to go out and have fun because I was studying and I could not see him too often. I was also working full time. I did not have the emotional energy to break up with him, even though he was cheating on me.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You have to do what is best for you. In this case it is studying for the MCAT.

So study as hard as you can. Do not see or talk to him too often...that way you will not have time to argue....then take the test...and then re-evaluate your relationship, after the pressure is gone.

No need to make rash decisions now.

Now is the time to study.

[h0pelessr0mantic]

Thank you everyone for your posts. I talked to a psychiatrist and i have taken some time to re-evaluate everything. I am going to wait until after my MCATs, and it is not just because i want to do well on the test, it is also because i really don't have the strength to break up with him yet and am...regretfully, still making up my mind. Currently i keep going back and fourth with my decision, sometimes i am absolutely positive that i want to end things, and then sometimes i believe that somehow, things can maybe work. From my previous posts alot of people have told me to break up with him, and so have alot of my friends and family. I have tried so hard to break up with him in the past but have gone back because he has made elaborate promises of changing and being better. I am now slowly beginning to realize that he may never change. Please know that i am not trying to string him along. If I still didn't have deep feelings for him, i would have let him go long ago. With me studying and him still acting how he always does, it is a good eye opener for me. I believe if i break up with him now, i will end up back with him. If i stay with him, i will slowly begin to see why we should not be together and why being with him will never work out. When i have finally realized and accepted that this will no longer work... i will break up with him.

[h0pelessr0mantic]

Also, i have told him many times that if he continues with the way he is treating me, that this can't work between us. I have told him time and time again to please stop calling me rude names, cheating, disappearing on me and treating me like his maid because it is really damaging on our relationship and it really makes me rethink if we should be together. I also tell him that if he continues to go out late at night and disappear on me, then one day i will do the same thing because it is not fair that he keeps me from going out, yet keeps going out himself. Everything that i feel, about how things can't work out if he keeps this up, i tell him. I tell him that what he is doing is hurting our relationship and that he has to stop or else things will have to end because i don't deserve to be treated that way. Whenever i say these things he just shrugs them off and makes jokes like"u'll never leave me, u can't". Then i'll say "well one day when i have finally had enough i will" and then he will say something like "hahahaha yea right... u don't have the balls". I believe he knows that i am unhappy and want to leave ( i have told him this)... but he doesn't care because he truly thinks i can't.

[jessiesgirl14]

i dont get it. What "relationship" are you speaking of because i def dont see one. Im not trying to be mean but you say you have told him to stop calling you rude names and CHEATING ON YOU!!! are you serious?? why do you think you should have to ask to not do that??

 

BREAK UP WITH THIS LOOOOOOSER!

[duchesstigerlily]

I dont understand it either. How can an obviously intelligent woman truly believe she has a real relationship with this man? What she has is a lazy, abusive loser who knows that he can take advantage of her and treat her with everything but love because she doesnt have the "emotional strength" to tell him to get lost once and for all. I bet if she sat down and wrote down the pros and cons of this so-called relationship that there would be absolutely *no* pros...honestly, how can there be?

 

Do yourself a favor and realize that you deserve and can find better then this. You are missing out on the opportunity to meet a great guy who will treat you with love and respect by staying with someone who uses you as a convenience and who does not love you...there is something mentally and emotionally wrong with this guy that will likely never be fixed....why be his victim?