Devastated and scared

[Twistedwhispers]

This is probably going to be a long post, but i really need to get things of my chest. well i havent wrote on here for a long time, i use to come on here alot and it did help me talking to other people in the same situations so thats why im on here again.

basically when i use to come on here it was over my ex, i ended up having a baby by him and he broke up with me after i had his baby, our relationship was always on and off but i always begged him to take me back coz i loved him and he was my first love. the last time we broke up for good was when i fell pregnant again and i fell out with his mother and he broke up with me, i ended up losing the baby and ive never had time to deal with it. things my ex did to me still hurt me when i think about it coz he treated me so so badly. anyway, i met someone about 3 months after i lost my baby and i thought he was amazing, he was so sweet and caring and he really wanted to be with me, at first i kept him at a distance coz i was scared of having my heart broken again,but he promised he wudnt do what my ex did to me and he wouldnt abandon me like my ex had done (ive got such a fear of being abandoned now)

 

i will admit that out relationship was rushed and we shud have waited before rushing in but i thought this time it wud be different. we moved in together after a few months, we spent ages buying stuff for the house, i was so excited. my little boy loved him to bits and he was great with my little boy, he even ended up calling him daddy, coz my little boys dad doesnt want to know about him. throughout our realationship his family have been a problem, hes 23 but hes immature for his age. what annoyed me about him and his family was that he felt the need to talk to them 24/7 and to see them 24/7, i love my family but coz we were moving in together my focus was my little boy and my partner, however his family are always there with us. like on the second day we had moved into our home, the house was chaotic and so messy and his sister foned and said she was coming up for a cup of tea, we had agreed that we wudnt invite any1 over until we were properley settled in, anyway he was telling her that no we didnt want any1 coming up yet coz we wanted to get settled, she kept telling him that she wud be coming up no matter what and kept asking him for our address, he ended up telling her which i was so annoyed about coz shes the type of person who will turn up whether its convinient for u or not.

even thought we hadnt been together long our relationship was very up and down, mostly coz he kept bringing his family into every argument we had.

he has a temper aswell, he had planned to go to anger management in a few weeks, he flys of the handle at the slightest thing and although hes never hit me, he has gone to hit me, im ashamed to say that when hes gone to hit me ive gone for him too. my son has never witnessed any of this.

 

a few days ago we argued yet again about his family and he stormed out of my parents house where we were waiting for out dinner, i went after him but he ran away from me, i was crying my eyes out coz i just wanted to talk to him. anyway i went bk to our house thinking he might be there and we cud talk but he didnt turn up all night, i eventually went to bed and cried myself to sleep i then got woken up at 2 by him ringing, we talked for about 3 hours then he got a taxi to our house from his sisters house. the next morning (yest morning) we talked about alot of things and i promised that i wud try harder and he promised he wud too, we went out and had a lovely day then when i put my little boy to bed i cooked him a meal. about half 10 we went to bed, at 11 i was woken up by banging on the front door and the living room window, i * * * * myself coz i wondered who the hell it was at that time of night, we went downstairs and it was only when she started shouting hello?! that i realised it was his sister, he opened the window coz we cudnt find the keys and he was like "what you doing here? how did u find out where we lived?" and she said she needed to talk to him. i was furious at this point not just coz she had frightened me banging the windows like that but coz she had woken my son up and he was crying and she wanted to come in to talk.

i ended up telling her that she cudnt turn up and this time and knock on the door and shout like an idiot, and we ended up arguing. in the end he went outside to talk to her. they were out there about ten mins so i went outside and i said sorry that i didnt mean to be rude but she had frightenened me and woke up my son, instead of accepting it she started having a go at me again, calling me names saying i was trying to control her brother and i wont let him talk to his family coz he doesnt talk to them as much now, through everything she said, my partner at the time didnt defend me once.i said to him u cant just stand there and act like ur the innocent victim in the relationship we are both as bad as eachother and he didnt say anything. his sister then told me i was lucky to be with him.

 

they went outside to talk again and when they came bk in he started putting his shoes on saying he was staying at his sisters house, i started crying saying that he cudnt leave me like this and we had had a lovely day together.

he was just saying no im going, so i followed him out by the gate, his sister then was saying things like u have left ur baby in the house on ur own im going to phone social services on u and there going to take him away from him, my ex joined in with this, he knows how much i love my son and how it wud kill me if any1 ever took him away from me. i was only a few yards away from the front door its not asif i had ran down the next street.

i was begging him not to leave but he was getting angry at me saying he had had enough of me trying to cut him off from his family, they drove off and i ran into the house cryin my eyes out. i had to ring my parents and they came over and i went back to their house with my son.

 

Im completely devastated coz ive texted and emailed my ex today and he hasnt go in contact. im so hurt that he walked out on me like that and how he didnt defend me. i have no idea what hes been telling people for her to act like that, she made me feel like the wicked witch ever. i know i have my issues coz of my past stuff with my ex and the fact i lost a baby and all the other stuff thats happened in my life, but im not a bad control freak, i do truly love him and i just wanted him to love me the same way and put me first. i do realise now that he wud never put me first. he was only outside with her for 20 mins and when he came back his attitude had totally changed towards me and he was walking out, he wouldnt stand up to her either.

im planning to stay with my parents for a few days whilst i decided whether i want to stay in the house that was suppose to be ours or i want to move back in with my parents until im ready.

im just hurting so much right now, i remember feeling this pain with my babys father, i miss him so much and i dunno what to do with myself. i hate the fact that his family think im such a bad person coz its not all one sided, we were both at fault. im getting tearful again now, i feel really lonely and scared, i feel like ive failed my son again, i cant even provide a proper family for him i feel so sad coz my son loves him to bits and hes going to miss him alot, i wish i cud turn the clock back. im angry that my ex is making me out to be such a horrible person and hes the innocent one.

x

[herra]

hello twistedwhisper,

 

Are you Okey now....sorry to heard that all what had happened with you.... but what theys says keep moving on. I think it is right with you to live with your parents as my concern is the little boy where your parents can have him to talk and be with play as well which hes now missing his own daddy..... For you just calm down..dont think it too much not only you passing that kind of relationship, me as well but i manage it so well, what i did last time is not to be alone in one room which its always drawn to my head. why dont you go searching a friends pretend nothing happened, i mean leave it in the past even its just freshly happened but we can be pretend even as acted, having a new friend can help.....right man comes on the right time.....

 

takecare,

herra

[thejigsup]

Don't feel so bad, please don't! You and your son are a proper family. I raised my son on my own and we have both turned out just fine! Any bf I have had was never introduded to my son until I had known the guy at least one year. That's a good rule to live by. My son has not been hurt by a revolving door of men and my dates never felt pressured to meet my son and make a "family" with us. WE were a family and did not need a man to make us one. I have now been with the same man for nine years. My son is all grown up and me and my bf are talking about getting married. Hang in there, you will both be fine!

[Jeximo]

Clearly his family feels as if you're trying to tear him away from them. And given the situation, I don't think they have any reason not to think so. I think that more importantly then you and him having a conversation, you need to have a conversation with his family. He seems like he'll follow his families advice before he'll listen to his own reasoning, and this is especially apparent when he didn't step in to take middle grounds between you and his sister.

 

The way I perceive it, his family is extremely important to him. So the best way to tackle your situation is to get his family, if not on your side, then at least to an understanding of your point of view. There will be arguments between you and his family at first, but you just need to push through them, no matter how angry either gets.

 

I think the best way to begin the conversation with them is assuring them you aren't trying to take him away and if anything, you would much rather be supported by them instead of against them.

 

If you can get his family to see your point of view and once you understand theirs, he won't feel so under pressure to please both them and you.

[Twistedwhispers]

I have always made an effort with his family, ive always talked to them and gone to family events. what they didnt seem to understand was that we had moved in together and i wanted our privacy together at least for a little bit until we had settled in.

i have tried to tell his sister that i wasnt trying to take him away from his family, but she wouldnt listen to me. my family are also important to me, but i knew where to draw the line. if my brothers were to say stuff about him like that infront of me i would have instantly defended him because he was my partner and it was our relationship and nobody has the right to interfere.

like i said, he was great with me until his sister took him outside and spoke to him then he was totally against me. he didnt have to try and please both of us, all i asked was that he didnt talk to his family 24/7 and to spend abit of time with me without his family interrupting.

 

Thanks for your kind advice, u saying about how u have been with ur man for 9 years gives me abit of hope, just right now i feel like im going to be alone forever. i really thought it was going to work. right from the start i told him i wanted to go slow coz of my past and he said he did too, but he kept pressuring me. first he wanted to meet my parents, then he wanted to meet my son then he wanted to stay over my house. he kept going on until i gave in. the reason i let him meet my son so soon was coz he convinced me that he wouldnt hurt either me or my son and he was planning to stick around. i always said that i wouldnt introduce a man to my son unless i knew it was right between us.

 

i have thought alot about things and i think maybe from my last relationship with my sons real father, i think i was still very much hurting from that and ive never really gotten over my ex, i think was trying to compensate for not giving my son a father, i was trying to make him into my sons real father in a way. he loved it when my son called him dad, but his sister said to me that it was worrying that he was calling him dad and he shouldnt be, that hurt me alot coz he didnt even say to her that he liked my son calling him dad coz he loved him. he just said nothing.

 

i feel like such a fool, i keep checking my phone and emails to see if he has replied to any, he hasnt and everytime i feel like crying. i keep wondering how he can just ignore me like this and why cant he just talk to me instead of listening to what his family say. I hate this so much, it feels like im back to square one, like when my sons father treated me badly, i feel the same hurt all over again. I have thought about what u said, acting like nothing has happened and going out making a life for myself, coz i have a feeling that all this hurt is over my relationship with my sons father mostly. but wouldnt pretending nothing had happened be worse for me in the long run? i just dont know what 2 do with myself.