michelle427 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 The facts: Been married for just over 2 year. Our marriage has been very rough with some arguments ending with us saying we wanted a divoce but we are still together at this point. Both of my parents have passed away. I have two brothers, 1 lives in the city the other lives 2 hours away. Since getting married my husband has fostered a strong dislike for my brothers. My brothers have tried to be nice to my husband but he doesn't see it that way. The Problem: My oldest brother is married and his wife is about to have a child any day. I told my husband that its my desire to go to the hospital (2 hours away) when we get the call that she is in labor. My husband said that he doesn't want to go and wants "US" to wait a few days before going anywhere. And has said that if/when we have a child, he doesn't want my brothers to come to the hospital at all because they aren't welcomed. This will be the first child born out of any of my siblings as well as the first child born in our extended family since my father passed away 18 months ago. So I feel a special connection/need to be at the hospital when my brothers daughter is born. My husband has indicated that if I go to the hospital that this will cause a great problem in our already rocky marriage. I feel that this is a big moment and I want to be there. And I feel that this is just a continuation of him trying to control my behanvior and limit the time I spend around my family, all of this is adding up to something not good and not how I see the rest of my life. What would you guys do? Would you go and see your niece on the day she is born or stay home? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 If it was my sister, nothing would keep me away. Did your husband always dislike your brothers, or is it just since you got married? Do you know why he dislikes them? Link to comment
madj3ff Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 he sounds very controlling and very insecure, i'd just go with whats in your heart Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Go and see my niece. No man would EVER stand between my family and me. He sounds selfish and disgusting to give you that ultimatum. Seriously...why are you with this guy? Link to comment
Parsley Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I would definitely go. He has no reason to dislike your brothers, and he is just being selfish and petty. I was 2 hours away when my niece was born, and if anyone had tried to stop me getting on the train to go and see her, they would still be in recovery now. I find this sort of problem in a marriage very distressing. It sounds like you're as close to your family as I am, and I can hardly bear the thought of someone who supposedly loved me trying to separate us. What are the other problems in your marriage? He is already talking about keeping your future children away from your family, that is simply not right. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 i would go as well... he'll get over it... what is his issue with your brothers? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 This is extraordinarily controlling behavior on his part. Why can't you just go alone if he doesn't want to go, and he can meet you later (or not go at all)? People sometimes have the (false) impression that marriage means you are joined at the hip and have to do everything together. Not true, not healthy. And for him to try to stop you from going to your sister on some principal that he gets to choose what you do and don't do, means he's a neanderthal in terms of thinking how he should be able to control you. I'd go to your sister, and schedule an appointment witn a marriage counsellor. Tell him you are going to the counselor to see if the marriage can be saved, or is even worth saving. If he won't agree to counseling, I'd assume he wants to be a control freak in total charge of you, which is no way to live, so i'd leave him. Link to comment
lunatic Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Blood is thicker than water! No one should ever get in the way of family or a marriage. I would go and if he leaves because you went to be with YOUR family then you are truly better off. This man sounds like he is a control freak and a selfish worm. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 So, he is controlling in other respects as well? One of the hallmarks of an abuser (be it emotional, verbal and/or physical abuse) is their need to separate their partner from the their friends and family. Isolating the partner is step 1 in how to slowly get rid of the partner's support network and lower the partner's self esteem. This results in the partner being totally dependent on their abuser and then the abuse escalates from there. If you see signs that he is controlling other aspects then this goes much deeper than a simple dislike for your siblings. I see some glaring red flags. Do not allow him to dictate whether or not you see your family...if he threatens that he will leave...then let him...because that is all part of the control/abuse game. Link to comment
Mlost Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Go. Forget him and enjoy your family. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 It's very distressing that he is making you choose between him and your family, but unfortunately it is not unheard of. What is it about your brothers that your husband doesn't like? Are his feelings valid? If this were the only issue in your marriage I might suggest trying to work it through. But you have mentioned that you have numerous problems with your husband other than his dislike of your family. What other problems are you having with each other? Have you considered counseling? Do you feel this marriage is worth saving, and how do you think that would be possible? Link to comment
Kalika Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Another vote for Go. It's one thing to not want to be around your brothers for get-togethers or whatever, but for him to expect you to miss the birth sounds a little absurd. It this one single event could affect your already rocky relationship, it doesn't sound like much of a relationship to begin with. Link to comment
Odysseus Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 So, he is controlling in other respects as well? One of the hallmarks of an abuser (be it emotional, verbal and/or physical abuse) is their need to separate their partner from the their friends and family. Isolating the partner is step 1 in how to slowly get rid of the partner's support network and lower the partner's self esteem. This results in the partner being totally dependent on their abuser and then the abuse escalates from there. If you see signs that he is controlling other aspects then this goes much deeper than a simple dislike for your siblings. I see some glaring red flags. Do not allow him to dictate whether or not you see your family...if he threatens that he will leave...then let him...because that is all part of the control/abuse game. I agree. I skipped my best friend's wedding in the early years of my marriage because my wife absolutely had a fit about me not going with her to meet her girlfriend and her man in Chicago. She really rode my family, my parents and any time I wanted to be with them (alone) was seen as a threat. Many other examples of this. Of course, I let this happen for too long, which was all my fault. You need to be with your family. Link to comment
John Bendix Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Odysseus makes a great point. When the ego so dominates someone life and the decisions they make in reaction, they can view almost anything as a threat. Call it low self esteem if you want but is really their dependence on protecting their ego against what they perceive to be as threats that causes them to fight against such events. The more the ego dominates their existence, the more oitis trained to perceive more and more as potential aasaults against it. Link to comment
michelle427 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Share Posted July 21, 2008 so how did you handle it? did yall get a divorce? all yall still together? Link to comment
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