how much self improvement is necessary?

[gracerules2008]

I read many threads on here that say that someone has no business pursuing a dating relationship unless they've achieved a certain amount of self improvement. The question is how much self improvement is enough? Do I have to be perfect? If so how can that perfection be defined? Do I have to be close to perfect?

 

Where should one draw the line and say "okay I've done enough self improvement to be worthy to go out on a date?" Has anyone here arrived close to perfection? If you have let me know. If you can define what close to perfection is let me know.

 

I can only speak for myself when I say that I have weaknesses and I will have weaknesses as a man for the rest of my life. I am nobody special and when I die it won't make any difference to me if nobody in this world remembers my name.

 

I've been living on this planet for 28 years. I just had my birthday June 23rd. It's been my experience that as soon as I get finished overcoming one weakness then another weakness pops up. It wasn't until 6 months ago when for the first time I met a girl who is not pointing out what's wrong with me. She's actually pointing out what is right with me. It feels too good to be true. I want to believe it. Before I met her I was so used to people pointing out my faults and ignoring what was right about me.

 

Now when is it a good time to relax and take a break from self improvement? Since weaknesses always pop up whenever I get finished overcoming one weakness I'll be working to overcome weaknesses for the rest of my life.

 

So is it ever okay to take a break from self improvement? Is it ok to ever rest and just enjoy myself for the time being and say "well I'm far from perfect but I am acceptable for the time being?" According to western society the answer is "no it's not ok to take a break from working on yourself."

 

I'm pretty much burned out and I'm just about ready to throw up my hands and say "I need a break!" I think I can afford it. It's not like any of my weaknesses are causing me to break the laws of the land. I'm a law abiding citizen, I still hold down a job, I don't have kids so it's not like I don't have the luxury to take a break from self improvement.

 

So if it's not okay to take a break let me know. Then I will have all the confirmation I need that this site is not for me and move on to another message board. I can accept that ENA is not for those who want to take a break from self improvement. I'm sure I'll have no problem finding a site that is geared more towards pointing out what's right about people instead of dwelling on what's wrong.

 

I don't need to be around people who think they are God by telling me that I have no business looking for a date just because I am shy or insecure or because I don't make X amount of money per year or because I don't like shaving my facial hair, etc. etc. Why not? there's no law that says I can't look for a date. I don't even have a criminal record. That kind of advice just lowers my confidence level even further. It's like kicking someone when they are already down.

[NametheGame]

I've heard mostly that it's not a good idea to go dating around and try to find someone to love you before you've come to love and be comfortable and happy with yourself alone. I agree with that, but whatever you're referring to that "people" have said sounds like nonsense.

 

Regarding self-improvement: Like everything else in life, a balance is needed. You need a balance between work and relaxation, doing things for others and doing things for yourself, ect ect. Similarly, you need a balance between accepting/being happy with yourself as you are, and being aware of/working on on your flaws.

 

In summary, it's perfectly okay to like yourself how you are, and seek out people that like you that way, and I'm sure most people here would agree with me! No one is perfect, but we're all perfectly human

[CynicalGuitarist]

All I can say is... if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen sometime regardless of how stable and secure you are. Love takes hostages, and life's not fair.

 

I had to learn that the hard way.

[gracerules2008]

I've heard mostly that it's not a good idea to go dating around and try to find someone to love you before you've come to love and be comfortable and happy with yourself alone. I agree with that, but whatever you're referring to that "people" have said sounds like nonsense.

 

Regarding self-improvement: Like everything else in life, a balance is needed. You need a balance between work and relaxation, doing things for others and doing things for yourself, ect ect. Similarly, you need a balance between accepting/being happy with yourself as you are, and being aware of/working on on your flaws.

 

In summary, it's perfectly okay to like yourself how you are, and seek out people that like you that way, and I'm sure most people here would agree with me! No one is perfect, but we're all perfectly human

 

 

I don't know about balance. All I know is that just because someone on the internet or even in person addresses a weakness I have that does not give me the power to overcome it. It just zaps my motivation to change my behavior.

 

I'm more inclined to change those things I don't like about myself when I spend more time with people who point out what is right about me instead of dwelling on what is wrong. I don't know if there is even a such thing as constructive criticism because any form of criticism does not empower me to change my life.

 

Now if I see evidence that a certain flaw of mine is holding the rest of society back from being a better place then yes I'm going to be inclined to work on it. So it just depends on which flaws have the potential to negatively effect the rest of society and which ones don't.

 

Unfortunately the decisions we make with our lives will almost always influence society in a positive or negative way. That is when I have an obligation to go to work on myself. I'm either part of society's problems or part of society's solutions.

[Rosee]

Anyone that you meet will have flaws too, who cares, you don't need to wait til you're perfect because you never will be and neither will anyone else. Someone can strive all they want and still end up dead at the end of it all so why not just go for it and if you feel like tinkering later on then you can. This isn't meant to be negative even if it sounds it, lol.

[gracerules2008]

I'm not a balanced person. I am an all or nothing person. I'll either be hot or cold. I go to one extreme or the other. One minute I'm a real jerk to my girlfriend and the next minute I'll be a pushover.

[brando]

I think you are missing the point.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

we never stop working on ourselves- we are always working on self improvement.

 

however, with that said, the one thing that stuck out to me in your post is how defiant you became towards the end. I think someone who is comfortable with themselves and their choices wouldn't care what others said or thought about their decisions.... in this case, your decision to date.

 

One of things that i have learned through my own journey is that its MY LIFE ..i call the shots... if things work out ..great... if they don't ...great... its my life. My choice, my decisions, my mistakes...

 

I think for you, your journey should be about being ok with your decisions and choices and to not look for approval from others...

 

Its perfectly ok to put your self improvement journey on the back burner, test the waters and date... everything..and i mean everything in life is a learning experience... even if you say "no more self improvement" .. you will still find ways to improve.

 

Its a beautiful thing!

[gracerules2008]

Okay how many think that self improvement should only apply for those who want to date? If I decided that I didn't want to date anymore then would self improvement be less important? Seeing as how if I'm not looking for a date I'm free to do whatever I want without worrying about the girl's interest level.

 

I look at dating as going under a woman's jurisdiction. If I'm dating her then I'm under her jurisdiction and feel obligated to improve my lifestyle. If I'm not dating then I'm not under anyone's jursidiction and I owe her nothing.

 

So how many would say that I don't have to improve myself unless I want a relationship?

[gracerules2008]

I have to disagree. One of the things I've learned is that some decisions I make with my life will positively or negatively effect the direction of society. So there are some things I have to consider for the sake of society. I'm only free to make the decisions that I have positive proof will not hold society back in any form.

 

Unfortunately some decisions are interconnected to the direction our society is taking. For example the reason I take care of my health by trying to eat right and exercising is because I see the consequences my failure to do so will have on society.

 

If I suffer a stroke or heart attack because of my bad health choices then it will effect others as someone is going to have to pay that hospital bill and take care of me while I'm indisposed for the time being. So those are decisions that have negative consequences for other people.

 

Now I admit that I am in bondage to seeking approval from others over decisions that I have proof will not effect their lives at all. I do want to get away from that learned behavior. So seeking approval from others is not always a bad thing. It just depends on whether or not the decisions will effect the lives of others.

 

I wish I could be a neutral influence in other people's lives but that's not the way it is.

 

But as for taking a break from self improvement? How long do you think it's ok to put it on the back burner? 2 months? 1 week? a few days?

[Jetta]

Part of self-improvement is self-acceptance. There are some things that just cannot be changed. For example I have a birth defect, it has inhibited me but I've learned to live with it. One foot is smaller than the other. It affects shoe buying, syles of shoes, etc.

 

As for taking a break from self-improvment I don't think you should ever take a break from improving yourself but if it's become taxing upon you then lay off and go with the natural evulation for a while. And that can last as long as you feel necessary, even up to year.

[gracerules2008]

Okay that brings up a better question for the ladies. How much will you allow your boyfriend or husband to backslide on his self improvement before you'll dump him?

 

I'm sure everyone has occasional lapses in their self improvement program but how long would you tolerate those lapses?