Letting it go forever.

[bambina maxima]

It is day 17 of no contact for me. We broke up 5 months ago; it was the second and last time. I am struggling with giving up all the empty words that were spoken and accepting the mis-matched actions.

 

When he came to my door a month ago to tell me he loved me and he wanted to be with me, he squirmed and danced around the fact that he also still needed to be single (and date) a little while longer before he gets married. This is not the kind of love I can accept and return going into a lifetime commitment. In fact, I felt totally disrespected by him actively going out to date other people when he declares he loves me.

 

The last time we communicated, via email, it did not end on good terms. I finally threw up my arms in disgust. He needed to know his behavior was infuriating and wrong. I was a little over the top, but at the core I believe my reaction was justified. I think it ended as "amicably" as it could have, in light of what went down.

 

I have been dipping in and out of bitterness and anger, trying to work towards acceptance and finding peace. Sometimes I worry that I'm going to be bitter about it forever. I am actively trying to accept that his reality and my reality are two different things, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I logically know that this is the end, and I believe it will only be a matter of time before I can feel it emotionally to be true. I can't control his irrational behavior. All I can do is refuse to let it into my life anymore.

 

The only thing that really seems to give me peace, or the only way I feel I will be able to let it all go completely, is never communicating with this person again. I just can't imagine a scenario where it would lead to a positive outcome. At all.

 

I have had so many conversations in my head with this person...at the moment, mostly filled with righteous indignation, or calling him out on the BS. NONE of those conversations lead to a better me. Not a one.

 

I am ashamed to think of how angry these conversations in my head are... I am pretty preoccupied at the moment. I want to just find peace and let it go. It seems like it is an uphill battle.

 

I know it takes time. It's just tough sometimes. Not really looking for anything specific...just wanted to get some of it off my chest.

 

Somedays ya just get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

[Hopelives]

/hugs

 

Hope

[ljoy74]

I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. I never even thought the breakup I am going through would ever happen. It seems like one day you're madly in love with your best friend and the next you're wondering why someone who seemed so wonderful betrayed you.

Just know that you are worthy of much more than someone who wants ANYONE but you. As for time passing, it will never seem to pass quick enough. Keep the nice sunny days for you though. Don't waste them on those mean conversations you have in your head (don't worry, I have them too). Someone new and someone right will come along and wipe away all of those memories of the guy who didn't deserve you. You and the new person will work and he will want you, and only you. It will be wonderful and it will happen before you know it.

[bambina maxima]

Hopelives, ljoy, thank you.

 

I think it's the feeling of falling out of love...it is a very emotional experience. For all those months, I tried so hard to not hope, but it wouldn't die. Now I feel iron conviction that I will never be with this person, and the desire/hope is gone. It feels a little bit like a vacuum. I don't feel empty or horrible or desperate or lonely, but like something big has just left the room and the space where that big thing used to be is palpable.

[Karmageddon]

I wish I had some magic for you b/c I know exactly how you feel. I have trouble with the disconnect between someone's words and their actions. Words are so easy, but I guess for some people backing them up is hard. If you are like me, you don't say things you don't mean or don't intend to do. Integrity is everything & its important to me that people can take what I say and rely on it. So its very difficult dealing with someone who doesn't have the same values. You want to rely on them, they are hurt (when after many past experiences) you don't, but you know you can't b/c it will just come back to bite you & then somehow, you are still the bad guy? People like that dont really see what the big deal is & they don't really care to hear why follow through is important.

 

Sounds like you know who you are though! It should help in identifying certain personalities sooner. Atleast that is what I am hoping for myself! LOL!!

[kuhl282000]

I just left a girl after 4 1/2 years ......she still wanted to go out there so I moved out and gave her the opportunity to do so. It was womderful at times and she was the love of my life ........but she had issues like we all sometimes do. I like you wanted love to win out in the end. In my case it did not. Its been a month and a half of pure hell in my head playing old tapes back and fourth. Sometimes I get really mad about the words that were left unsaid ...........it was all really sad in the end. We used to be able to talk about anything and now its all gone with the wind. Its a really slow process for me, and I'm having a real hard time getting my self back to being me again. I miss her a lot but I had to let it go and save myself as hard as that was to do. I like you wanted a long term, she was willing to throw it all away over her own selfish wants .........

 

Here is a special song for you ...it will make you cry and help you heal so get a few kleenex's next to you and turn up your speakers.

 

I feel your pain, I'm in the same place right now ........I'll pray for you, you please do the same for me.

[bambina maxima]

Karmageddon, i know what you mean about the wishing there was some magic you could do to make it all go away. but really, there is...and it's time and distance. It just isn't as instantaneous at we'd like it to be. Oy.

 

I especially feel what you said about "its very difficult dealing with someone who doesn't have the same values. You want to rely on them, they are hurt (when after many past experiences) you don't" ... In my case, he kept trying to explain how his actions do make sense, and that he does still love me, etc. But at the end of the day, it makes sense for HIM only, and not for me, and that is where the huge divide begins.

 

 

Kuhl, thank you. I have a confession. I watched that video and it was healing for me in a different way. Maybe it's more my age than anything, but the video made me giggle.

 

I'm not huge on sappy songs...but I do appreciate the sentiment. It's funny that you keep playing back the old tapes... are you hoping to find some new information in those old conversations that you didn't see before? In my case, the conversations that I keep replaying never have and never will happen. It seems so pointless, I don't know why I keep doing it. It'll pass, though.

[bambina maxima]

An update.

 

So, after all that, like a scene out of a bad chick flick... after a very indignant/angry email to him and three weeks of no contact (5 months since breakup), my ex was waiting at my apartment building when I get home from work on Friday.

 

He had come to say he's done messing around, he's done being single, he wants to be with me, this is it. He's still scared, but this is it.

 

But...I don't think I can go back this time. The last time we communicated, 3 weeks ago, I had reached that point. I just don't think he's thought this through at all. The past few days, I've let him say what he wanted to say, and I have asked him all questions imaginable, but it doesn't change what's already been done. The whole thing is just too much.

 

It's a damn shame. I can't justify it to myself, let alone my family and friends. There are too many patterns that have been established. There was just a little bit too much teetering on the edge of dishonesty. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully trust that he would be into us and excited about it.

 

It really does seem like they tend to come back when you've had enough and you're done.