Happiness After Cheating

[mrmaximum]

How can you tell if they're sorry they got caught or if they're sorry that they hurt you?

 

Very good question, I'll try my best to answer as everyone is different. What is their attitude like? Sure some will go through the motions so to speak to quell your fears as they continue look out for themselves. However, their attitude while they engage in these behaviors can be quite telling. Do they seemed bothered to engage in the actions that you may have agreed upon earlier? Do they willingly meet your demands listed to build trust or are they full of complaints, somewhat upset at the freedoms that are now curtailed and privileges lost? Do they engage in what you have requested grudgingly or eagerly?

 

See, someone who is upset that they got caught will be put off by what would be necessary to fix the situation, this affects their lives too much and isn't worth the effort but in order to keep the status quo they will do so. They don't want to lose everything now, do they? Those who truly want to fix the relationship will be eager to do what must be done. They realize that it was their choice to damage the relationship and now they are paying the price to fix it. They think of what they have to do in order to build trust like an investment with the dividend being a rectified partnership which is more than worth it in their eyes.

 

The biggest thing in my eyes that shows where their loyalty lies is whether or not they came clean to you or if you had to find out on your own. If they came clean, they risked making themselves vulnerable and essentially their whole lifestyle to once again be on a clean slate with you. If you had to find out; then they are essentially thinking about themselves and what they have to lose at your expense. That one action speaks a lot about a person's character and whether or not any healing can progress from that point on.

 

Hope that clarifies things somewhat.

[SpeedingCars]

He told me he was eventually going to tell me, he just didn't know how and he didn't want to hurt me. Load of BS! He said, "I guess in a way, by not telling you, I DID hurt you..."

 

He slept with someone while we were on a break... or when we agreed that we were not to be involved with anyone else. It's actually quite complicated, but that's the only way I can break it down.

 

However, I had to find out on my own. I had been prodding him for the truth well over a few months and he'd keep denying anything happened. Finally, he broke. Then told me.

 

His actions after his little "confession" (by the way you describe), show that he is sorry he got caught. We hardly talk anymore, and he doesn't really check up on me or anything.

 

Then again, it's not as if we're boyfriend/girlfriend. We're merely exes who are... involved. Again, it's complicated... I probably shouldn't even waste my time with him.

[desi1987]

It does. I was in a ldr with an ex, and I had to find out from a text at 6 in the morning from the person she cheated with after they had gone thru her phone looking for my number(she kept screamin my name while she was drunk)

 

When I found out I called her alot of times(she ignored) when we finally did speak I told her that I would forgive her and give her another chance(big mistake) even after I found out that she stayed at their house the night I found out. The only thing I asked of her is NOT to have contact with the other person, she kept making little excuses saying they live in the same city and that they hang out at the same spots..lol she was soo full of * * * * . I dont know why I didnt see it then..its true that love def. blinds you. Well come to find out a week later after snoopin on her social site she was in a rel. LOL that was a little over 2 months ago..guess what? She wants me back now.. HA HA HA

 

Soooooo yea I guess she was def the type that regretted getting caught.

 

AND NO...im not taking her lying cheating sorry excuse for a woman as*s back

[lonelyguy0f4]

ive cheated on my wife. Ive alway was faithfull until she stop having sex with me . Our sex drives are different I know ,mine being greater. Before marriage things were great and she said to me then that when we get married the thought of that would want her want more , with the sucurity and extra committemant. When we had kids it was rgeat even after. Fast forward 10 years and she stop wanting it . Ive alwas initiated it and it always the same. Itry eveything ask her what she wants and likes but she just wants the same. No oral, I,m even ok with just giving her. I,ve tried to talk to her and she doesnt want to talk about it and says our sex life is fine. I don,t only once amouth if I,m lucky and I alway start it. I alway bring her to orgasm at least 3 times but she only alo=ws me once .I asked her to seek concelling with me just to talk but she would,nt. ,ve tried and tried to talk about it many times and years . I work hard I give us trips ,do everything for my kids and her , whatever they need or want ,I do without alot for them because they are the most important to me but i keep getting pushed away. Sex is important in my married . Its gives me quiet alone time with her and makes me feel closer and of course feels good. I need it and want it from her. After all the trying I gave up . A girl that paid attention to me for months finally gave me what I want . I,m sorry I did it ,many times but I needed the attention and sexually release. She didn't care I was married and understood what I was talking about .I sorry and now trying to work on saving my married of 20 yrs. She started to have more sex with me and listen tom me but now has been cutting me off everything again. What should I do ? I kiss her ass on everything ,{trips ,alone time ,I do all the housework ,cook supper for her do thing alone together] I just don't get it.

[Jodie75]

I for one cannot forget about my husbands cheating. I found out that he was doing it while we were engaged, for 3 years! I would confront and he would denie

of course. I've been taking it for many years and he would still not admit to it. I stayed due to the kids, now they are gone and I feel I really need to move on,

but can't as I have no money or anything. Every time I look at him, it's with disgust. How could he do that to me? I gave him all of me, was very attentive, like a

good married wife should. Just don't understand it. The last affair was a doosie. He said it was" puppy love", hahaha, ya right. He also says that they never did

anything, yup and I also believe that~~ not. I have forgiven him, but it's too hard to forget. We don't have sex anymore due to this. I really don't think I love him

either.

He is just is here like a room mate. I have to beg for anything I want or need and that's what he loves. I used to be totally independent, but not now. Long ago

when we did have sex, he even called me one of his affairs name!! So you can see what it's doing to me. I'm going to end up hating him at some point. We live our

separate lives to a point, but I do the house work and such, but won't do the extra things I used to do for him and he doesn't like it. The old saying, "once a cheat,

always a cheat", is very true. I am thinking of an affair my self, but just can't bring my self to do it as I am still married and want to be. Why should I leave and not

get the things that I've invested in this marriage? 38 years is a very long time to just throw away!! Besides, what is out there for a 50 something woman??

[swampyankee]

I hear what you're asking there Maverick. I've always wondered that, along with the related question of how trustworthy a former cheater could be in a new relationship.

A few years ago during a dark time in my life I was in correspondence with a woman from a midlife crisis forum. We shared alot of thoughts and feelings about our journeys and alot of our darkest secrets. I was faithful to my marriage, but chose to end it. She was unfaithful for a time but chose to restore the lost relationship with her husband.

Recently, I was in contact with her again just to get updated. I asked her how she was doing, if she had been able to turn her back on her affairs, and if she had ever told her husband. She told me that she had had her fling during her time of crisis and questioning, but she ended it and not looked back. Her husband had made changes to try and restore their distant relationship and she found a new attraction to him. She says she knows in her heart she's over that phase in her life and is ready to embrace her role as grandparent alongside her husband. She has no regrets and that her lover gave her what she needed to get through a tough time in her life, but she knows she will never do that again.

She says she will never tell him about her affairs, because she doesn't see how confession would do their marriage any good.

[lalalollipops]

People that cheat compulsively must lack a conscience. Even after more than a year, the ex that cheated still maintains he did nothing wrong. That it's all just a big 'misunderstanding.' I got blamed too lol and called crazy and nuts, walked out on me when all I wanted was some answers. Then came the emotional blackmail and threatening to kill himself. Uh even most recently, he still says he never cheated. Says they were just friends, that he could even give me her number so I can talk to her? Funny thing is that was just one of several girls. He cheated through the whole relationship you see. =( So essentially some parts of me still thinks everything we had was just a big lie.

 

You have no idea how much that made me shiver in pain. He said the last bit 10 or so months after I broke up with him. He must really think I'm completely stupid. Or have gotten amnesia.

 

I remember everything. Every little thing I found out. I still have issues breathing normally when I think back to everything that happened. Hate the after effects. Hate that he doesn't feel guilty.

This was the guy I fell in love with? Out of all those guys I've dated, I fell in love with him? What does that tell you about me?

It still makes me feel like a big idiot.

 

Meh. Whatever. Either way I'm not looking back. I'm going to find me a guy who won't ever do anything like that to me.

Some people are just twisted and messed up. Nothing we can do but hold our head high and move on and be happy.

[ElizabethB]

OK. We are talking about married or not single people who choose to cheat. But what about those "single" people who cheat with them??? How would you call them? If they know you are married and they will do it anyway? And what if you were not their first "forbidden fruit"? What if they had history of 2-3 wives at least?

[Liraele]

yea... no kidding right... she told me i had to think about how i must have made her feel to drive her to do something like that. crazy huh Than she went around telling my friends that i was a bad boyfriend (see my other thread)

 

I really think she went around trying to tell herself shes not that bad.

 

Yea... still bitter haha

 

Yep, I pretty much got this one too. Because I didn't automatically trust him enough out of the gate, I drove him to cheat. My fault. Because, doing the very thing that would destroy ANY trust makes PERFECT sense, right?

 

Yeah, I'm kinda bitter too. But getting over it.