Happiness After Cheating

[Maverick44]

After reading through many, many posts, I think I came to wonder this:

 

1. Is there happiness after you have cheated on someone?
   
   • The person you cheated on doesn't know or never knew.
     
   • Even if it was one-time, one night stand, or an ongoing (missing something in the relationship), etc...
     
   • I just want to know if the cheaters gained happiness in their relationships despite cheating on their partner.
     
     • Not about guilt so much. That might exist but were they able to move on and live with it? Ongoing even.
       

I want to know this because I always read others say "Don't cheat, etc.." and while I agree because honesty is a virtue and something we should value and appreciate, I just wanted to know if on the flip-side, despite all the drama that comes with the truth, can it be considered to cheat, not tell, and still live a happy life?

 

I'd say it depends up to most people but I guess the replies I get will tell a tale of how a broad group of people would react.

 

Maverick

[isilv3r]

Cheaters never prosper. You don't gain anything from it. If anything, you lose it all. There's no happiness in cheating. You will always regret it, even if the "other" doesn't know. Karma will kick you in the butt! True story!

[Maverick44]

isiv3r-

 

Your answer is a noble answer and I understand what can be hoped at for karma, etc...but what instills this? Is it faith in karma? Is it your values?

 

What makes it so cheaters never prosper? The idea they will feel guilt?

 

And will you 'regret' it if the other doesn't know or is it that you 'should' regret it?

 

I wonder about some of these based on how many stories we hear of people in our lives who floundered around throughout their whole life and did they really feel guilt? Even some of the people, with the advent of the internet, that we are now exposed to all the time and hear about their indiscretions - I don't know that they always regret or feel guilty.

[soul_soother]

I believe there can be but, it makes things so complicated... Everytime

you watch a movie or anything that has to do with cheating everything

will bring brought up in your mind.

[isilv3r]

Forginving a cheater means that u truly care for them deep inside and u know that a piece of u is with them when u jump right into a relationship with them again after they have cheated once...or twice...or any amount of times...forgiving someone that hurt u can be very tough but if u love them then forgiving them is what hurts because u think that u are just going to get hurt again. So this time u walk in to this relationship with ur fists clenched tight...but u shouldnt do this, no matter how much our hearts tell us to because then we never truly forgive or forget the whole situation...if u can remember to just breathe and let it all leave ur mind for good...then forgiving a cheater can open u up to a new or rejuvenized relationship...

 

HOWEVER.......

 

The guilt comes from the "cheater" because they don't trust themselves, they put distrust on the other person that is completely innocent. Makes you paranoid and no matter what the outcome, the other person always takes the fall even if they aren't the ones that cheated. Eveyone is different. Some people just are cold and don't care enough about other people and are only concerned for their own needs.

[isilv3r]

I believe there can be but, it makes things so complicated... Everytime

you watch a movie or anything that has to do with cheating everything

will bring brought up in your mind.

 

Everytime you see that person will remind you. Something like that always sticks in the back of your head. Cheating can literally destroy a human being to pieces....specially if it's done "while" you're on the phone with them and you don't know that they are doing it AT that moment while they are telling you that they love you.......

 

Yup...that was fun!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Some cheaters simply have no conscience so they can live quite happily and go on to cheat several more times. I think cheaters who feel remorse will always be haunted to some degree by their bad choice. Sure they can go on to live happily, but I think deep down there is a certain element of sadness over what they did...it has to do with disappointing themself.

[melrich]

Some cheaters simply have no conscience so they can live quite happily and go on to cheat several more times. I think cheaters who feel remorse will always be haunted to some degree by their bad choice.

 

Yes I think that is a really important point. For some people, cheating will be against their values and they will be consumed by guilt and remorse.

 

At the other end of the scale there will be people who have no personal moral issue with cheating and they will be immune to feelings of guilt or remorse.

 

My wife's ex was one such guy. He was a serial cheater. He never had relationships with other people but he had a lot of one night stands with people whilst he was in a relatioship with my wife. It never bothered him. Even when he was caught and confronted he just shrugged it off and went on his merry way.

 

Different people will respond differently. But there is definitely a "type" out there that can happily sleep around without having the feelings of guilt and betrayal most of us would have.

[Gratsy]

It doesn't bother some people. Karma isn't a real concept. Jerks get away with being jerks sometimes. Sometimes they get what they deserve, sometimes they dont'. That has little to do with you...you should just live your life and not take things personal. Just do the right thing then you won't worry about whether someone else deserves karma...you can't control justice...only fight for it.

[charles89]

yes i have cheated and yes i have found happiness again.

 

i dont know if there is a formula for this happiness but just like in any situation its going to require work on both sides. in my case i told my gf immediately.

the guilt got to me and continued to eat away at me even about 8 months later(remember i admitted it, just dealing with it is tough too). im about to hit the 1 year mark and things are going great. we took our first trip to mexico about a month ago as what she described as the best experience in my life and likewise to myself. it really started to turn around recently though, i had a lot of trouble dealing with the guilt even though i was forgiven.

 

ive been through a rough long term relationship breakup that lasted a while and i can say that dealing with the emotions of a breakup are about the same as what a cheater will go through. the reminders from both a breakup and being a cheater will have adverse affects. i remember seeing movies and tv shows that involve cheating with the cheater getting the impending deserved justice and it would hurt. with the breakup just seeing old hangout places or finding an old picture would hurt. with both, the adverse affects will be less and less significant as time goes on. there is no doubt i will think about what i did when i see a reminder, but now it has little to no affect at all. its not like i have to turn off the tv or look away when i see a reminder, its nothing more than an afterthought now.

 

i will consider dealing with being a cheater is tougher than a breakup although they are comparable. this is because you will go through this emotions with reminders as you remain with your significant other. meaning BOTH if you will be going through the same emotions with reminders. both of you have to have the strength of being mentally dragged through mud over and over again and not giveup... the small minority that decides to continue on won't even make it past this.

 

so yes, you can be happy. but im warning you- its a very very small minority of couples that will continue to remain together. i have made many other posts saying the same thing, 99.9% of the relationships that involve fidelity will either breakup, or remain together really unhappy. i do not know of any other couple that have remained after cheating was involved, one even lasted 8 months before the victim decided to end it. if you decide to stick with it the best i can say is to carry forward with the best intentions, and there will be no gaurentees it will last. i figure i will do my best, and if in 1, 2 or 3 years it ends because of my actions i will have to just accept it. i am owed absolutely nothing.

 

good luck.

[AustinHand]

sorry, I've always been on the other end of the stick

[lapseinjudgement]

Im pretty sour about cheaters.. I was cheated on and she tried to make me feel like it was my fault. Regardless of if it was or not it doesnt matter.

 

As far as im concerned remorse, guilt, or whatever the feelings that come after. I only wish they were worse. Its a horrible thing to do to someone you "love". Its brought me pain unlike i have ever known. Honestly its frigging low in my book. I can only rely on karma to help me out here. Lifes a ***** sometimes. I think if you dont feel bad after doing something that horrible you are a twisted person. If you can work things out with your "love" and be happy again thats awesome all the power to you but honestly its a horrible thing to do.

 

(sorry, bitter )

[RedHead33]

I would agree with lapse. If you're the kind of person that feels bad about cheating on your partner, and realizes that you've done wrong, I would say these type of people could still find happiness. On the other hand, the types that cheat regularly and don't even blink, will never find happiness. Mentally, they're ruined. Just like a war vet that's seen and done too much killing.

[j0shua]

Im pretty sour about cheaters.. I was cheated on and she tried to make me feel like it was my fault. Regardless of if it was or not it doesnt matter.

 

As far as im concerned remorse, guilt, or whatever the feelings that come after. I only wish they were worse. Its a horrible thing to do to someone you "love". Its brought me pain unlike i have ever known. Honestly its frigging low in my book. I can only rely on karma to help me out here. Lifes a ***** sometimes. I think if you dont feel bad after doing something that horrible you are a twisted person. If you can work things out with your "love" and be happy again thats awesome all the power to you but honestly its a horrible thing to do.

 

(sorry, bitter )

 

bitter +1, lol.

[Gratsy]

Im pretty sour about cheaters.. I was cheated on and she tried to make me feel like it was my fault. Regardless of if it was or not it doesnt matter.

 

As far as im concerned remorse, guilt, or whatever the feelings that come after. I only wish they were worse. Its a horrible thing to do to someone you "love". Its brought me pain unlike i have ever known. Honestly its frigging low in my book. I can only rely on karma to help me out here. Lifes a ***** sometimes. I think if you dont feel bad after doing something that horrible you are a twisted person. If you can work things out with your "love" and be happy again thats awesome all the power to you but honestly its a horrible thing to do.

 

(sorry, bitter )

 

She tried to make you feel like it was YOUR fault? Thats insane.

[lapseinjudgement]

She tried to make you feel like it was YOUR fault? Thats insane.

 

yea... no kidding right... she told me i had to think about how i must have made her feel to drive her to do something like that. crazy huh Than she went around telling my friends that i was a bad boyfriend (see my other thread)

 

I really think she went around trying to tell herself shes not that bad.

 

Yea... still bitter haha

[mrmaximum]

yea... no kidding right... she told me i had to think about how i must have made her feel to drive her to do something like that. crazy huh Than she went around telling my friends that i was a bad boyfriend (see my other thread)

 

I really think she went around trying to tell herself shes not that bad.

 

Yea... still bitter haha

 

Buddy of mine just got out of a LTR for this same reason. Walked into their apartment and another guy was there. When he confronted her she blamed him, he drove her to do that.

 

He's moved on, met a great woman, and they are happy, however, his ex is trying all sorts of things to get him back and whenever she actually communicates with him, she STILL takes no responsibility for what happened!!

[lapseinjudgement]

Buddy of mine just got out of a LTR for this same reason. Walked into their apartment and another guy was there. When he confronted her she blamed him, he drove her to do that.

 

He's moved on, met a great woman, and they are happy, however, his ex is trying all sorts of things to get him back and whenever she actually communicates with him, she STILL takes no responsibility for what happened!!

 

Sick how people can try to make themselves feel justified so they dont think lower of themselves.

Seriously we used to talk with such disgust about the people we knew that had cheated. She promised and swore up and down just like i did that we would never do such a thing.. Now shes trying to tell me its my fault.

[Gratsy]

yea... no kidding right... she told me i had to think about how i must have made her feel to drive her to do something like that. crazy huh Than she went around telling my friends that i was a bad boyfriend (see my other thread)

 

I really think she went around trying to tell herself shes not that bad.

 

Yea... still bitter haha

 

Don't be bitter...forgive, move on, forget and FIND SOMEONE WORTHY OF YOUR TIME. To me: cheating is dispicable...its the lowest of things you can do to someone: the basic component of a relationship is trust : if you can't even have that, its not a relationship...its like calling a house with no walls, no floor and no roof- a house.

 

Buddy of mine just got out of a LTR for this same reason. Walked into their apartment and another guy was there. When he confronted her she blamed him, he drove her to do that.

 

He's moved on, met a great woman, and they are happy, however, his ex is trying all sorts of things to get him back and whenever she actually communicates with him, she STILL takes no responsibility for what happened!!

 

Good for him...GREAT STORY and GREAT example of how a victimized person can't blame themselves for the actions of someone else and how they can be free from their victimization.

[allalonehere]

As the cheater, I would say that there are probably many who don't feel remorse. But for those that do, it is agonizing to watch someone you care about in pain because of something you did. A couple in that state doesn't make it (I think) mostly because of the guilt and paranoia that surround them from both sides. The trust is destroyed and the image of the act of cheating whether the person saw it or not is usually more than they can bare and yet they continually relive it and visualize it.

I personally, made sure to let my spouse know that it was not his fault, and that all blame should be placed on me - I should have recognized the situation I was in and left, but I didn't and gave in to alcohol and temptation. It is now my burden to bare forever and I am starting to think that we will never be the same again. We get close to happiness but it feels like a facade sometimes, my own guilty conscience doesn't let it feel real and is constantly paranoid.

[lapseinjudgement]

See thats what im worried about.... If me and my ex ever decide to try things again i dont know if i could ever truly forgive her (want to or not we'll see than) I dont know if i could ever really trust her again. Like was said before trust is what a relationship is.

 

If i had ever been in that situation i got myself out of it i didnt want to do that to anyone let alone her. I dont understand it.

[charles89]

See thats what im worried about.... If me and my ex ever decide to try things again i dont know if i could ever truly forgive her (want to or not we'll see than) I dont know if i could ever really trust her again. Like was said before trust is what a relationship is.

 

If i had ever been in that situation i got myself out of it i didnt want to do that to anyone let alone her. I dont understand it.

 

you have to decide if its worth carrying on or not. you can't think about whether or not you can truly forgive and forget .. it will just happen over time- and you will then know if you can or not. if it doesn't workout at least you know you both tried your best.

 

unfortunately there is no way to tell if you can trust them again until you try to.

[SpeedingCars]

I think the answer is "yes". Some people have the ability to convince themselves that they can do no wrong. They will try and reason out WHY they cheated and justify it with lame BS.

[mrmaximum]

See thats what im worried about.... If me and my ex ever decide to try things again i dont know if i could ever truly forgive her (want to or not we'll see than) I dont know if i could ever really trust her again. Like was said before trust is what a relationship is.

 

That depends on the situation. That is a question that all BS's have had to consider at one point in time or another. I call it the 'Terminal Precedent'. How do you take back a WS without them thinking that they got away with murder?? How do you fix the situation and get past it without fearing a relapse? At this point actions speak much louder than words, and well, they have too, any words from the WS are considered questionable at best. Trust must be restored and this means actions must be taken.

 

First off, does the WS show any remorse? Are they truly upset about what has happened or are they just upset that they got caught? There are indeed marked differences in this type of behavior but it can be a challenge when one's emotions are running high. Do they accept responsibility for what they have done? There are many WS's who will deny until they die or shift blame as much as they can so they can settle their own conscience. In cases like that it's hard to fix something that one says isn't broken and it's also hard to begin to think like a team again when it's clear that one partner is only thinking about saving their own skin.

 

In quite a few of the cases where reconcilliation seemed successful that I've come accross, the couple came up with terms that had to be followed. Usually the WS asked the BS how to restore trust and a list was made. After that, the WS followed that list to a "T", without complaints. These are just some of the factors that have to be weighed out and it can be very difficult while trying to keep one's emotions in check. You will see the whole spectrum actually; BS's who drop their WS even though they take responsibility and are willing to work things through, then you have BS's who are still trying to work things out even though their WS's are still talking to the OW/OM and treating them like dirt.

 

At the end of the day, we all have to weigh out the pros and cons and use both your heart AND your mind to make an educated choice. If you feel that there is a chance, then you owe it to yourself to find out and fix it. If you think that things are over, then you are only making things worse by postponing the inevitable. I've said this many times but I don't think it has been said enough; Not every relationships needs or should be continued and there isn't a fix for every relationship.

[SpeedingCars]

How can you tell if they're sorry they got caught or if they're sorry that they hurt you?