Anyone feel like dating is like walking on eggshells?

[madmarten]

I think the eggshell analogy is a bit harsh, but I do agree with the people who say that you should take the time to get to know eachother well, before you become too attached. There are boundaries that should not be broken in the initial stages. If someone breaks those boundaries, it is usually a red flag.

Mature individuals, who know what they want and who they are, will take the time to get to know you and not rush into a relationship without evaluating your compatibility first.

This may seem like walking on eggshells, but it is actually prudence.

 

I think you/we may be talking about two different (but related) things. Being prudent and not wanting to jump into anything to soon is ok. But that isn't the same thing as being worried and nervous about each date. Ask most people about their better relationships, and i'll bet they'll say that they felt relaxed around the person right away.

[gracerules2008]

well, when the first date feels more like a therapy session, that's not a good sign. of course, you should be yourself, but it's good to show the good things about yourself before unloading about some negatives.

 

I might as well reveal my flaws early on. She's going to find out about them sooner or later. The sooner the better so that we're not wasting time on something that is not guaranteed to go anywhere. I want to know about her negative qualities as soon as possible too.

 

Both of us have a right to make decisions about each other early on based on the information revealed. I go into dating with the mindset that I'm ready to say "NEXT!" Instead of discovering negatives about one another 3 or 4 months down the road.

 

Some negatives are a relative notion by the way. For example she might not want to date a guy who has a tattoo on his back. Other women don't care. I'm going to be honest from day 1 and tell her that I wear a tattoo on my back.

 

If she wants to know how much money I make a year then I would hope she would ask me on the 1st date so we can get all that out on the table. It's all about saving time so that we both can move on and get closer to the people who are right for us.

[lady00]

I think there may be two different discussions going on here. What I see is (1) the discussion about being yourself vs. putting on some kind of front and (2) the discussion about worrying about making mistakes and pitfalls early in the dating game.

 

When I talk about eggshells, I'm talking about #2. What I mean is, it seems like aside from just being yourself, dating involves a lot of skill. It involves knowing just how much to give, how interested to act, how to hold back, how to let loose...it seems like that part is hard and it doesn't seem to be very related to who you are as a person or how great you are or even how compatible you are with the other person...it has more to do with having dating skills. That is something that I struggle with/worry about.

[Batya33]

I don't go with the "just be yourself" because if there is intense chemistry off the bat, you're probably going to lose all sense of "self" sort of like if you were drunk.

 

I saw huge red flags when a man was self absorbed enough to dump all his "flaws" on me on the first or second date instead of letting me get to know him over time. If he was such a wreck - or thought he was - perhaps he shouldn't be on the date in the first place. If he wasn't such a wreck but instead confused "honesty" with oversharing, then I would doubt his sense of discretion, judgment and manners -- and also assume he was trying to sabotage the date either because he was scared or just not that into me.

 

And of course there were those times I silently thanked the guy for being so "honest" about, let's say, his pot smoking, drinking, his sex buddy, etc.

[gracerules2008]

Well fortunately it's not your place to decide whether or not someone should be out on a date because nobody's perfect like you. You don't get to draw the line as to how much self improvement is necessary before someone is qualified to be dating.

 

I'm sick and tired of running into people like you who think they are God and can decide that someone is not unworthy to be out dating just because you don't think he's a good match for you. There is somebody for everybody.

 

This "getting to know someone" over time is just an excuse to waste precious time that could have been used to get closer to the right person. The bottom line is that you would have rejected him later anyway when you discovered all of his flaws that you could not accept.

 

So it's a blessing in disguise for him that he didn't get a 2nd date with you. He didn't waste time and neither did you. NEXT!

 

This is an example of how guys can't win with women. We can turn women off by being too honest too early on in the relationship. We can turn women off by waiting too long to reveal information that she should know about. Then we get accused of stringing her along. Either way we can't win.

 

So how many dates should I wait before telling her I don't want marriage or kids? How many dates to wait before telling her that I have high cholestorel? How many dates before telling her that I only make $30,000.00 a year? If I wait too long I'll be accused of lying by omission. If I tell her too soon then it's too much information. Too soon and she'll say "why did you bring that up?" Tell her too late and she'll say "why didn't you tell me about this sooner?"

[renaissancewoman101]

I need to hone my dating skills. I know I can flirt. I will talk to guys and joke around with them. I did it at class tonight. I don't joke well though.

[Luke Skywalker]

Well, it depends on how you look at it. You could see surfing as a hazard, but people do it for fun. Maybe the right way to look it is just like any other risky activity that people do for the heck of it and enjoy the process.

 

I feel that whenever I'm dealing with someone I don't know dating wise it's like you are walking on broken glass ,

you have to watch your step. A perfect life would be borning anyway - surfs up!

[CaptainPlanet]

My feet are made of stainless steel I couldn't walk on egg shells if I wanted too. However, I am a really nice guy so I can get away with a lot of clumsy walking in general.

 

I don't get that feeling I just kinda go with it until she decides she wants to be just friends or has no spark, usually, about 1.5 dates.

[thejigsup]

I like me, imperfections and all. I want someone who can put up with what I truly am and that takes a heck of a man! I am upfront and honest from the beginning because I have learned the hard way that the true you comes out eventually and if someone bails after they get to know the real you, it hurts because you have become attached to them. If someone bails right away, it doesn't hurt and you haven't wasted any time. It has nothing to do with self-esteem and more to do with honesty and time management. I know not everyone agrees with this and that is fine. We each do what works for us.

[gracerules2008]

I like me, imperfections and all. I want someone who can put up with what I truly am and that takes a heck of a man! I am upfront and honest from the beginning because I have learned the hard way that the true you comes out eventually and if someone bails after they get to know the real you, it hurts because you have become attached to them. If someone bails right away, it doesn't hurt and you haven't wasted any time. It has nothing to do with self-esteem and more to do with honesty and time management. I know not everyone agrees with this and that is fine. We each do what works for us.

 

 

Yes life is too short!

[Batya33]

I think timing is an important consideration. Telling someone your shortcomings on a first date is out of context, and doesn't give the listener the right kind of information to make a decision. And that kind of inappropriate oversharing often is a turnoff in and of itself. If you're not willing to put in the time to get to know someone over time, and to share about yourself in a way that takes into account the other person and whether dumping on the person would be healthful for you, the person, the developing connection, then I don't think dating with the potential for a serious relationship is right for you.

 

That's distinguished from facts - if you have a terminal or very serious illness, a drug or alcohol problem, a criminal record, or you are not yet divorced then yes I think the person deserves to know that very early on. But when it comes to personality flaws, bad habits, etc I don't think dumping that all on a first date or a very early date is advisable or fair.

 

I would say the same about a mental illness that is controlled through drugs and therapy - I think that can wait too because often early on you learn about the person's attitudes towards persons with a mental illness or disabilities, just in being with them. No need to share that unless it seems like you're really connecting and the person seems to be a person of sensitivity and compassion.

[Batya33]

I am entitled to my opinion just as you are without being attacked for giving my opinion - and that's all it is, just to be clear. I disagree with the basis for your defeatist attitude and negativity.

 

If you don't want marriage or kids, that's a fact that should be shared in most situations as early as possible unless it is clearly just a fling or a casual date. I don't agree with the lying by omission on the cholestorol or the salary. Who would assume that you had normal cholestorol or made any particular salary such that it would be "lying by omission?"

 

Also you continue to confuse being "honest" with "being open" - you don't need to tell all in order to be an honest person - the two are often confused but are not necessarily related. Of course I want all people I have close relationships with to be honest, but I don't want some guy to dump all his personal stuff on me on a first or second date. For example, one guy decided to tell me on the second date - he was 40 at the time - that he was molested once as a teenager while traveling.

 

Maybe someone else would be flattered that he was so "open" - I was turned off by his lack of judgment - on a second date over dinner you're bringing that up with no particular reason other than a travel-related anecdote? (and yes, that's all it was meant as - not to explain who he is now - and if that had been the case, and it was some sort of dealbreaker for getting involved, I still wouldn't see why it was necessary - just don't ask me out again then).

 

It's fine if you want to make excuses why not to get involved, but then call it what it is - excuses - rather than starting down the slippery slope path of "men can't win because if we tell or if we don't we're screwed." At least in my collective experience, that couldn't be further from the truth - other than with people who start out with such a negative mindset, then it often is inevitable and based on that person's choice to be negative. I would suggest making a different choice, but then I'll be playing "god" again, yes? But I'll suggest it anyway because I can take it. ;-)

[ycmanvs]

I think that "being yourself" and "not sharing too much information" are not mutually exclusive. You can be yourself on a date, but you do not have to dump all your baggage out on a first date or even a second date. Your personality and your communication skills are part of who you are and if those two things are not what the other person likes, there will be no other dates.

Why would I tell someone I just met how much money I make or what medications I may or may not need? If I had a terminal illness, I would probably talk about that, but if it is just a minor thing, it is nobody's business until I know that they will be there long term. First dates are just to get an idea of your interaction with the other person. If you find them pleasant enough to keep talking to them, you will eventually find out their flaws anyway....sooner than you might think.

[Batya33]

Thanks much for putting this much better than I could in several attempts. I guess if "being yourself" is "chatty cathy" or oversharing, better for the person to find out then, but if it's some agenda to "I'm going to lay it all on them all at once and if they don't run screaming we'll go out again" - then it's very transparent to most people what the motive is and that it's not being yourself.

[JadedStar]

I totally agree. I was reading thru some of the posts and am a bit baffled why some people think you cannot 'be yourself". Being yourself but being your "best self" as in putting your best foot forward is what you do when you first start dating someone new. I have never been someone i am not even in the very early dating stages. What good will that get ya?

 

For those of you who do not know how to be tactful, polite and put on your best face forward and still be yourself then maybe you do have to walk on eggshells. I have no problem being myself with someone when i started dating someone new, and being myself surely is not congruent with sharing all of my flaws, revealing quirks or bad habits, etc. Do some of you truly have to do all of that to really be yourself? IF so, that is something perhaps you need to work on.

 

I think a lot of people are confusing being yourself with being yourself at your worst.

[ycmanvs]

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this lately because I have not dated in more than 4 years, so I have recently re-entered the dating world. I am a much different person than I was 4 years ago and my goals have changed, but my personality has not. I am still a great listener and a good conversationalist, so I can get along with anyone. Finding the balance between becoming someone's friend versus someone's girlfriend is what I have a hard time with. People tend to tell me everything about themeselves very quickly because I seem extremely non-judgmental. So, I have to be the one who has to decide if these people are good for me or not.

Yesterday, I bumped into a guy that I went on one date with after I broke up with my ex. Even though we had a nice dinner, I never wanted to see him again. He drank about 7 shots of wiskey in an hour and a half and he was in medical school (so you'd think that he would know what alcohol does to you), and he seemed very uneasy, like he was hiding something...or walking on eggshells.

 

It is very easy to tell when someone is uncomfortable or acting on their best behavior. There really are no rules of dating, but there are rules of COMMON SENSE. If you parctice common sense in your daily life, it will tranfer into your dating life as well.

[gracerules2008]

I thought the idea of dating was to get to find out if the other person would be compatible. At least for me the purpose of dating is to see if the other person is compatible for the long term. Why waste several months when you can find out about a person's flaws in 1 day? Those several months of your life will never come back.

[ycmanvs]

I thought the idea of dating was to get to find out if the other person would be compatible. At least for me the purpose of dating is to see if the other person is compatible for the long term. Why waste several months when you can find out about a person's flaws in 1 day? Those several months of your life will never come back.

 

But you can find out their flaws from the way they interact with you. You never truly know anyone until you have spent many years with them and you have both been through hard times. Those few hours of the first date are not going to give you that much information....but will give you enough to know if you ever want to see them again.

[gracerules2008]

But you can find out their flaws from the way they interact with you. You never truly know anyone until you have spent many years with them and you have both been through hard times. Those few hours of the first date are not going to give you that much information....but will give you enough to know if you ever want to see them again.

 

Then you run the risk of wasting years of your life on the wrong person. If it's important to a girl that I make at least $80,000 a year then she better ask me on the first date how much money I make. This way I can run out the door. Don't waste my time making me think it's not important and ask me that question on the 4th or 5th date. Then I've wasted 3 or 4 dates that I could have spent with someone else. That's why I would be inclined to tell her I only make X amount of money per year on date 1.

[ycmanvs]

Then you run the risk of wasting years of your life on the wrong person. If it's important to a girl that I make at least $80,000 a year then she better ask me on the first date how much money I make. This way I can run out the door. Don't waste my time making me think it's not important and ask me that question on the 4th or 5th date. Then I've wasted 3 or 4 dates that I could have spent with someone else. That's why I would be inclined to tell her I only make X amount of money per year on date 1.

 

So, you can give out that information if you think it is important. I am only talking about what I would divulge. If someone asks a question, I will answer it, but people who walk on eggshells do not tend to ask a lot of questions.

[JadedStar]

Then you run the risk of wasting years of your life on the wrong person. If it's important to a girl that I make at least $80,000 a year then she better ask me on the first date how much money I make. This way I can run out the door. Don't waste my time making me think it's not important and ask me that question on the 4th or 5th date. Then I've wasted 3 or 4 dates that I could have spent with someone else. That's why I would be inclined to tell her I only make X amount of money per year on date 1.

 

Savvy people know how to figure out a person's character without having to be told flat out things on the first date such as "i have bad credit" or "i squeeze the toothpaste from the middle and take ridiculously long showers".

 

Lying by ommission? Hmm, then i guess eveyrone you will ever meet is a liar because most normal people discriminate as far as what they share with people. If you are sharing everything at all times I would suspect you might have problems in the area of interpersonal relationships. People should be told things they have a business to know. ON a first date there are many thigns that it is not that person's business to know becuase neither of you know if it will proceed into a real relationship and to be honest there is no NEED to know on date one if it will. This is why those who take a bit longer to get to know a person tend to have more success. There is no need to figure it all out on date one and it should not be a race. What you see as a time waster others may see as a very realistic timeframe that it takes to get to know someone and they do not mind a few dates to figure it all out.

 

if a man blurted out to me on date one how much he much he earned there would not be a date two. Reason being is because i would feel he was either bragging, or made so little that he feared i'd leave him over it. Neither of these are good reasons to blurt that out on date one. The first reason suggests an ego and braggart and the second suggests someone pretty insecure.

[skyblue1]

Always being so careful not to say the wrong thing, the clingy thing, the insecure thing, being careful not to say anything that may imply you want or expect too much too soon? Does anyone else feel like dating is like walking in eggshells and yet find it hard to imagine that everyone who is in a successful relationship had to go through that phase and navigate the pitfalls and never say or do the wrong thing? Sometimes, it can get exhausting just worrying about it all! Being single just seems so much easier and more fun!

 

I used to hold back with dates but now i say what ever i like, i be myself and if they don't like that screw them. Why hold back and not talk about stuff just incase your date takes it the wrong way. I'm sick and tired of thinking of what to say. Be yourself.

[Tallisman]

... Even though we had a nice dinner, I never wanted to see him again. He drank about 7 shots of wiskey in an hour and a half and he was in medical school(so you'd think that he would know what alcohol does to you), and he seemed very uneasy, like he was hiding something ...or walking on eggshells.

Did you try to find out if he always drank that much alcohol any other time?

For a non-judgmental person, I'll hate to see the judgmental you.

You drew all those conclusions about this guy from one date. You probably made the poor guy nervous as hell(and yes, some guys gets nervous).

 

I used to get so drowsy whenever I do long (2+ hrs)trips with passenger or not. The only thing that helped keep me awake was smoking. Often I will go thru almost a pack of cigarette during a 4hrs drive. That is the only time I smoked, not even in bars.

 

... and he seemed very uneasy, like he was hiding something...or walking on eggshells.

Perception is not always reality

 

The way I read this is when people finally meet for the first time on a date, if the chemistry and and physical attraction is not there then these other factor will seem to loom really large and may become deal breaker.

 

 

...Then I've wasted 3 or 4 dates that I could have spent with someone else.... That's why I would be inclined to tell her I only make X amount of money per year on date 1.

Going on dates could be rather time consuming and expensive, but do you stop going on dates with other women because you go on dates with a particular woman?

You don't stop going on dates with other women until you agree to date you any one of them exclusively.

[Tallisman]

...It depends, but when I date, I try to mold myself to what the person is looking for, or what will "turn his key", and then I zoom in on that. Doesn't always work. It's harder to do that with guys you meet from online sites. I dunno. With online dating, it's never turned into a relationship.

 

In a way, I'm like a chameleon, I try to adapt to what is called for at that time.

You make it seem bad to be adaptable and supportive of your partner.

Isn't that what you call nurturing/nesting behavior?

 

As long as you don't loose your self in the process or becomes resentful that you are doing all the "giving". Hopefully the partner will appreciate and reciprocates in kind.

 

Most guys who are ready to a committed relationship will probably like that and those who just want to date(around) may not.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Lady, I feel like this sometimes too.