lady00 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Always being so careful not to say the wrong thing, the clingy thing, the insecure thing, being careful not to say anything that may imply you want or expect too much too soon? Does anyone else feel like dating is like walking in eggshells and yet find it hard to imagine that everyone who is in a successful relationship had to go through that phase and navigate the pitfalls and never say or do the wrong thing? Sometimes, it can get exhausting just worrying about it all! Being single just seems so much easier and more fun! Link to comment
JadedStar Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Yes. When you are with someone not compatible to you it is very much like walking on eggshells all the time. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Yes, often in the beginning it is like that. for better or for worse I was very good at that stage so it wasn't such an eggshell experience for me. However, often the ones I was most smitten with from the get go, the eggshells feeling did not subside even after a month or so with the negative result that I really wasn't getting to know the "real" person since I was so self conscious. Sometimes a tad less smittendom isn't such a bad thing because then you often feel more comfortable, faster being yourself. Link to comment
DakotaSkye Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I know exactly what you're saying. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells constantly with my boyfriend of two and a half years. He gets so upset about everything that I can't even joke around without him getting angry or offended! Many times I just shut my mouth and avoid saying anything that could be taken the wrong way... And it shouldn't be that way. I think a lot of it has to do with compatibility, like JadedStar said. If you find someone with the same sense of humor, the same values, and the same beliefs you shouldn't have to be so careful about what you say. But I think the most important thing is to just be open-minded and have a sense of humor. That person needs to not take everything so seriously. Because if he does, everyone around him will be afraid to offend him... My point is, it's more the problem of the person who gets offended than it is yours. Unless what you're saying is particularly offensive, you should be able to speak your mind without worrying about how people will take it. I finally learned that after two and a half years... Unfortunately, I still haven't done anything about it. Take it from me. Say what you feel, when you feel it. Never hold back, and never be afraid that you'll scare that person away. It doesn't matter if it's clingy or insecure or even wrong. If it's how you feel, don't hold back. If that person freaks out because of it, he's not worth it. No one should ever have to suppress their feelings for the sake of their significant other. I should heed my own advice... Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 the 'eggshells' phase probably has a really good purpose of not becoming too emotionally attached to a person, and not revealing your great childhood traumas too early and all that. no one wants to hear on a first date that your mother is bipolar and that your father is an alcoholic (happened to me!) 'walking on eggshells' isn't a good feeling, but maybe better of thinking of dating as showing the best side of yourself. ie, maybe your best friend doesn't mind if you call her complaining about your heavy period, and maybe a husband wouldn't mind it either, but not a great thing on a first date. and maybe your husband wouldn't mind if you call him 3 times a day, but a new guy would probably get freaked out. you still want to be 'yourself', but the cool, collected version of yourself. Link to comment
caro33 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I found that the eggshells experience only really happened with guys I had nothing in common with. When I decided I didn't care so much how much of myself I showed, I found much better bonds with much better matched blokes. But it is a bit of a lucky dip when you first meet them, isn't it? Better to be yourself from the outset perhaps, to save time wasted with eggshells guy who you never end up clicking with... Link to comment
gracerules2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Honesty is always the best policy in dating. Present an honest image of yourself from day 1 and let the other person make decisions based on facts and not on an image you think they want you to have. This way nobody is wasting any time. Walking on eggshells is not beneficial for you or your partner as it just gives a false image of yourself. It's not fair to deny the other person a chance to make a decision about you based on the facts. If my dating partner's father is alcoholic then I need to know that as it has the potential to effect our relationship down the line if one develops. I don't like the idea of treating the 1st date as a job interview. Remember that whatever you are doing to get that person interested in you is what you'll have to do to keep them. Link to comment
gracerules2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Amen. I would much rather be single and have the freedom to express myself than to get involved in dating if I have to walk around on eggshells. If dating has become this way then it's not even worth playing the game. Link to comment
pinkelephant Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I never walk on eggshells. I'm always myself. Maybe this is why my relationship fails. Haha. I usually go from strangers to relationship pretty quickly if there will be one though. I'm not very good in this transitional period. it's weird. i never have been. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 If my dating partner's father is alcoholic then I need to know that as it has the potential to effect our relationship down the line if one develops. I don't like the idea of treating the 1st date as a job interview. well, when the first date feels more like a therapy session, that's not a good sign. of course, you should be yourself, but it's good to show the good things about yourself before unloading about some negatives. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 That is the reason why I'm afraid to date sometimes. And I agree with pinkelephant, I rather just skip the dating part and go on to a relationship, mainly because the "eggshell walking" stage is usually a time of worry about making mistakes, etc. The few long term relationships I have had in my life, I didn't really go through the "egg-shell" period. With my first ex, mutual friends set us up and I eventually picked up on what made him happy and comfortable and I strove to provide that for him so that he would be happy and content around me. That worked to an extent. With the second ex, I approached him at a party, struck a conversation with him, we exchanged numbers, chatted on the phone and went on a date. I picked up on the vibe that he was a bit insecure and also I realized his parents liked me from first meet. From talking to him, I realized most people walked all over him and treated him badly, so I took the opposite stance and treated him very well, cared for him, stuff like that. He was so in awe of someone who had her life, a career, money, her own place, etc., wanting him, that he seemed to fall in "love" with me. It depends, but when I date, I try to mold myself to what the person is looking for, or what will "turn his key", and then I zoom in on that. Doesn't always work. It's harder to do that with guys you meet from online sites. I dunno. With online dating, it's never turned into a relationship. In a way, I'm like a chameleon, I try to adapt to what is called for at that time. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 And I agree with pinkelephant, I rather just skip the dating part and go on to a relationship, mainly because the "eggshell walking" stage is usually a time of worry about making mistakes, etc. see, now that's where i disagree. i just had a 'breakup' this weekend, if you can call it that. me and this guy dated for not even a month, but it was an 'instant-relationship.' we were basically bf/gf from day 1, he introduced me to all his friends, asked me on vacation with him, etc..... all these things. however, we really didn't have that 'getting to know you' and 'getting to trust you' phase which is pretty important, now i see. he really forced the relationship fast (and i didn't really help matters either), and we skipped over the stage where we got to know each other, so in the end, it was just too much too fast and we exploded. now i see the wisdom of that slow 'getting to know you' phase. eggshells isn't a really positive way to describe it. if you can get to know each other and take things slow, and present a positive view of each other, that is much better. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Annie24, I'm sorry about your breakup. I do agree, sometimes when things move too fast, it can blow up. But sometimes, even if you move things too fast, you can work it out later. I dunno. I'm not a dating pro. But in the period of taking it slow and getting to know each other, you have to be so careful about your moves. In a way, it can be exhilarating, but then, esp if you are starting to really like the person, and you let down your guard a bit, and commit a booboo, it could really screw things up, if you know what I mean. And no, I'm not talking about sleeping with the guy. It's a given that one should NOT sleep with someone on the first date or within the first few months of dating. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I learned very early on in my dating life not to do the eggshell bit. I am me from moment we meet and it either attracts or repels someone. That's okay, if it turns them off it would have happened eventually, so it makes no big difference to me. Guys like me because I don't play games and am very upfront and honest. One boyfriend said I was like hanging around one of the guys, very natural. I don't play games and I'm very blunt. Most of my relationships last years and I'm the one who generally pulls the plug. Link to comment
lady00 Posted July 15, 2008 Author Share Posted July 15, 2008 I learned very early on in my dating life not to do the eggshell bit. I am me from moment we meet and it either attracts or repels someone. That's okay, if it turns them off it would have happened eventually, so it makes no big difference to me. Guys like me because I don't play games and am very upfront and honest. One boyfriend said I was like hanging around one of the guys, very natural. I don't play games and I'm very blunt. Most of my relationships last years and I'm the one who generally pulls the plug. I sort of wonder though, if the fact that you have a lot of self-confidence (I get that impression from what you've written here) changes everything . I'm very different--not very self-assured when it comes to dating. If you were different, let's say, insecure about dating, would you be honest about it? I've learned not to be at this point...I try to keep my insecurities to myself and to be very careful about saying what I want out of a situation because it tends to freak out the guys that I have dated if they know I am looking for a relationship. I've also always wondered about the whole thing about being like one of the guys...I sort of always thought that was a turn-off to a lot of guys. I guess it varies from person to person, like most things. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 i don't think it's eggshells. if i had a bad date, i'd just blow it off. no big deal. why should i get upset or be worried on a date? i'm just displaying who i am to the person. they have a choice about me just as i do about them. no reason to watch what you say, etc. sure, there is respect and all that, but that is still you as a person. some people are over the top with who they are. they get dropped really quick. i like girls that are one of the guys. but, BUT, they must be girly physically. i don't like girls that wear sport shorts and a t-shirt out unless to the gym. Link to comment
allypally Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I agree that it will feel as though you are walking on egg shells if you can't be yourself around the other person. This happened to me once with a guy who flew off the handle quite easily. I never felt secure with that person, and I also always felt as though his mind was on his hobbie (mountain biking) and nothing else. Found it difficult to ask him to spend time with me and do things TOGETHER which didn't involve mountain biking. We weren't remotely compatible. I don't regret never seeing him again put it that way. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I used to often feel like I was walking on eggshells when dating... I wasn't ready or comfortable with myself. I probably shouldn't have been dating at all. Link to comment
allypally Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Well I think personal growth comes into it a lot. If you rely on the other person to give you the things that you should be giving to yourself, then you will never be happy. I have fallen into this trap many times. I think I am only just learning about this and becoming more fulfilled by making myself happy and doing the things I love without relying 100% on someone else to bring me happiness - its not fair on them. Having said that, its a little disconcerting when the other person leaves you hanging about whether you are going to get together or not. Link to comment
george237 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I just be myself and if the other person doesn't like me then that's their problem. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I just be myself and if the other person doesn't like me then that's their problem. bingo. 100% Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Yes. When you are with someone not compatible to you it is very much like walking on eggshells all the time. I was going to say the exact same thing........ Link to comment
madmarten Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 My take is yeah, I used to be nervous and walk on eggshells on dates. But then I had kinda of "Office Space" moment wear I just stopped caring about being worried and nervous. I think you make sure your game is up on par but you shouldn't worry about anything and you shouldn't change yourself. Whatever you do on a date, for goodness sake have a good time. Dating is supposed to be fun. If it doesn't work with somebody whatever, but have a good time. And if you are relaxed and have good time on a date, then actually you have a better chance of having a good outcome to the whole process. BTW, If you are on eggshells too much it could mean that you are just creeped out by the person and you should just let him/her go. Link to comment
Stambler Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 It all depends on the chemisrty. If it's there, you can simply be yourself and have great fun. If it isn't, well, you probably shouldn't be on the date! Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I think the eggshell analogy is a bit harsh, but I do agree with the people who say that you should take the time to get to know eachother well, before you become too attached. There are boundaries that should not be broken in the initial stages. If someone breaks those boundaries, it is usually a red flag. Mature individuals, who know what they want and who they are, will take the time to get to know you and not rush into a relationship without evaluating your compatibility first. This may seem like walking on eggshells, but it is actually prudence. Link to comment
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